My wife is having affair with a mutual friend

[adinva]

Also, my personal opinion because, like I said, I'm opposed to lying. I think you're going to have to cop to recording her. You can refuse to tell her what proof you have, but that is childish. You did an underhanded thing, recording her with your phone. You can regret stooping so low, and you can certainly expect a whole lot of flak from her about doing that, but it's done. What are you going to do from this day forward?

I feel like if I were a cheating spouse and my H came to me calmly and disappointed in both of us, for letting me down, and for our communication becoming so broken that I was lying to his face and he was recording me with a phone to catch me... and said 1 - I love you, so much, enough to want to work with you through this to a stronger marriage, to figure out together where we went wrong and how to make it better, and 2 - I won't share you. We will be separated today, starting tonight you sleep in another room, until it's all done with OM and we're working on our marriage and we both begin to trust each other again.

I do happen to agree with the above, that since you did snoop and you did get your proof, you might as well stop all the lying and get it out on the table.

I used to think my H cheating on me was the lowest of the low, and past the point where we could reconcile. But after being separated from him for more than a year I think differently. I think reaching a crisis and getting through it together is entirely possible for me, and I've seen others here get past an affair. If you can get past it, but not let yourself be a doormat through it, I think that is such strength and deep love.

Not being a doormat means deciding what you can tolerate and what you will do if you don't get that minimum. So, know your answers. You can't make her do anything, feel anything, or think anything. You can only decide what YOU will do.