Without any contact, I wonder how she could be attracted back. I guess I just need to have faith in the process.
The WAS tends to rewrite history and convince themselves that every single problem in their life, both great and small, are because of the LBS and if only they can get the LBS out of their life then it will free them up to live the amazing, fantastic, fun-filled extravaganza that they've been wanting to live for years. But more often than not, when the LBS is removed through separation and going dark, the WAS suddenly discovers that their fantasy life isn't there for the taking after all. It's a rude awakening to discover they STILL have to pay bills, STILL have to vacuum and do laundry and balance the checkbook and go to work and go grocery shopping and get the oil changed in the car, etc. etc. and most shockingly of all, there is not a line of Fabio lookalikes standing outside their door waiting to sweep them into a deep, romantic embrace. The skies are NOT filled with rainbows and unicorns and there are NOT rivers of chocolate on the ground flowing around money trees. In short, the WAS often discovers that their unhappiness is not due to their LBS after all, it's something they're carrying with them. So then they have to wrestle with that demon. They have to find out what happiness is to them, what it means to them, and where to go from there. Hopefully at this stage they start remembering that they had GOOD times with the LBS too. The fog starts lifting. Then they start thinking what if. What if the LBS isn't the enemy? What if the LBS really has changed? What if life could be enjoyable with this new and improved LBS? What if they wait too long, could they lose the LBS?
This is the WAS's journey. The only way the LBS can help is to get out of the way, to give the WAS time and space to follow this path. THAT is how the process works
Very well said. My (mind-reading ;)) therapist thinks that she still cares but is scared, and that's why she's done some of the things she has done. He's a good therapist who believes in trying to save marriages, but he concurs that I need to focus on myself right now and give it time. It's almost as if he has read DR.
Not much new here, still focusing on GAL: gym, reading, volunteering. I'm particularly looking forward to a volunteer job tomorrow. Therapy tonight. Tired of the mental real estate the STBX is taking up. Feeling a bit more anger and resentment than usual in the past few days.
Lefty, I had the exact same thought last night. But woke up this morning and it is a new day. I am going to keep with it. Keep your head up.
I'm trying, Grizz. (Do you know Dot-Com? (30 Rock reference))
It's rough for me; my situation is unique even among DBers. (Shorter marriage, no kids, wife making an ugly divorce, can't even talk to her if I wanted to.) I feel like I can't contribute to others' threads because my sitch is so different.
This is just how I feel now. And I feel angry and hurt that I am so disposable to her. Maybe that is mindreading, but that's how I feel.
What I DO appreciate is that this place respects the sanctity of marriage and is not misogynist or misandrist. A lot of places on the web are notorious for advising everybody to "dump the [censored]" or revel in putting the screws to their spouse and spraying hate everywhere. This place is so much better, and everybody here deserves props.
Well, today is a new day and I'm still okay with giving up on this. I've just become so upset with the non-stop vindictiveness I've been on the receiving end of since this began, I really don't see any possibility of reconciliation. I'm okay with this. She obviously was not the person I thought she was.
I'm still going to hang around here and post though, because this forum is pretty great and I'm still trying to better myself.
I'm trying, Grizz. (Do you know Dot-Com? (30 Rock reference))
Ha!
You're not alone.
And you're not done yet.
And I feel angry and hurt that I am so disposable to her. Maybe that is mindreading, but that's how I feel. Your feelings are yours and they're valid. You also have the ability to turn that around.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My SBTX just added my sister as contact on Pandora. She now lists her location as a city at the other end of the state. Why would she do that? Does Pandora have some sort of auto-friend function or something?
