Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[MrBond]

"My W is also an exaggerator. I helped renovate the house too, but she did much more: if I say that I helped too she usually beats me back saying that she did most of it."

You can't say that she exaggerated this fact, because you said it yourself that she did most of the renovations. Stop lying to yourself and be honest about the situation.

" I think the whole thing sort of mutated inside her,"

No it didn't "mutate" inside of her. What you don't understand is that she brought it up to you WAY in the beginning, but like you said, you swept it under the rug and didn't acknowledge it. To a woman, there are only so many times that they will complain about something in the relationship before they turn silent and that is when they become resentful. She felt you ignored her needs, or at least didn't think they were important. That was probably from your lack of empathy.

"into an angry, resentful emotion, with roots in no physical touch, separation due to my job,"

Yes.

"me not setting boundaries,"

What boundaries are you talking about? It doesn't seem like she was breaking any boundaries when all this first happened. And that is the key. You can't look at how things are right now, you have to look back at how and when all this first started. I believe it was when she told you she didn't like the long separations and you ignored her.

"and her feeling that time has passed with not much career or income to show for it."

Of course she feels this way. She couldn't get a job (and therefore earn alot of money) because she had to be there for the children.

"She is a proud person, and none of this helped."

This doesn't have alot to do with your sitch.

Your natural lack of empathy didn't make you see what she was complaining about. Because you don't like conflict, your natural reaction was to ignore her which made her even more resentful. You said you don't have close friends, so you have no way of relating to how she felt inside and I believe she sensed it. Her coldness was a way of protecting herself. She didn't want to be abandoned emotionally any more.

And you didn't answer my questions from earlier. Did you stay in contact while you were gone? Did you tell her you loved her or sent her flowers or tell her you appreciated her when you were gone? What romantic gestures did you do while you were gone? How did you talk or relate to the children while you were gone?