"(maybe read Another Stander's posts again about how unattractive he felt to his wife, who is now different!)" ... where did u specifically read about THAT? TX
I think that was 25's comment that got carried over to SP's post. There's not really a specific thread that's in, it's something I've talked about in my threads as well as comments I've made in others' threads. But what she's referring to is after BD I felt unattractive not just to W, but to everyone. I spent 25 years basically shutting women down if they tried to flirt with me, so much so that I largely forgot how to interact with women other than on a professional level. I had become far too dependent on W for my self-esteem. Looking back I realize I needed a lot of reassurance from her. When she stopped offering it freely I started asking her for it, and I doubt that was very attractive to her! I needed no such reassurances from her when we met, I wasn't arrogant but I'd say I thought pretty highly of myself, LOL! I had gobs of self-confidence and I had no trouble attracting women without even trying. It took me months to get in touch with -that- guy again, but I found out that he was still in there.
After BD I felt old and unattractive, but I didn't dwell on it for long. I started hitting the gym hard, tanning, bought nicer clothes, cleaned myself up, bought new cologne, started getting my hair cut regularly instead of letting it grow shaggy. These things may seem superficial, but they did make me feel better about myself! And the better I felt, the more flirty I got, and the more attention I received. And yes, I did go out on dates, and found out that women don't see an old/ unattractive guy when they look at me; they see a mature, fit, handsome, stable gentleman that they are very attracted to. In fact I feel more attractive now than when I was in my 20's because I have a lot more life experience behind me now
Now I'm not saying anyone that's DB'ing should start dating, but for me it did restore the confidence and self-esteem that I had lost and I think that in turn got my W's attention. I don't know if we'll reconcile, but I do know she's been paying me a lot more attention in the last couple of months. Obviously I don't ask her for reassurances now (and I'll never do that again, that's just too clingy/ needy) but interestingly she does pay me compliments on my clothes and my physique now. And all of this in turn has supercharged my PMA and confidence
Again I don't want anyone to walk away after reading this thinking "I need to start dating!" What I want you to take away from my experience is that when we're at that low point after BD, the solution to the problem is to DO SOMETHING! Don't sit in the corner rocking and whimpering. Get out, GAL, lose weight, build muscle, change your wardrobe, get your hair done. Don't talk about it, do it! Get your mojo back, find yourself, remind yourself you had a good life before your spouse came along and you will have a good life in the future whether with or without them. THAT is the very thing that may attract the WAS back, and even if it doesn't, you'll be enjoying life regardless.
