This is the part I'm having trouble understanding. If I don't lie to my W then what am I supposed to do? You say don't confront her about the affair and give her plenty of space. How do I tell her that I don't want to be around them together anymore and not lie to her for a reason? She is going to want to know why I don't want to do the same things we did in the past. For the past 2 years we have been doing everything together, vacations, weekend trips, birthdays, holidays, etc. I have to tell her something, don't I?
It wasn't a good idea to do the tape recorder thing, but I agree with Adinva that covering it up with lies is just making it worse rather than better. Sometimes people enjoy affairs because the secrecy is exciting to them. Well the cat's out of the bag, so at this point you might as well tell her you know and if she asks how you know then just tell her what you did. But first, you've got to decide what you want. I would think you do not want things to continue as-is with her having an A and both of you pretending she's not. So, if she refuses to leave OM, what do you want? Do you want her to leave? Go to counseling? Whatever it is then present that to her at the same time as disclosing the news. And give her some time frame, don't force her to decide on the spot. Give her a day or two. Prepare yourself for the possibility that she may leave. That doesn't necessarily mean it's over though. Good luck.
