I'm a little confused after phone coaching session

[reb9597]

Thank you FS. I really appreciate your support!

I've got a lot out of the DB coach and this board. Hope it works well for you.

H came to house after I left & was gone before I got home. Instinct is telling me to pull back. I haven't contacted his anyways the last few days, only responded to his texts and we end up having an exchange. We'll see if he reaches out the rest of the week but I'm feeling like it'll be quite. That's okay.

He agreed to counseling and the next available appointment isn't until mid-april. Tax day! That'll give me lots of time to show consistent change so maybe it'll be a good thing.

Feeling kind of down this morning. We can get back to friend & co-parenting level but it feels like we're returning to our M previous BD. We were good friends & co-parents already. I can't make him love me though and I know now I won't settle for anything less than. I don't know how to help those feelings return. Need to sit back and just play the next couple months out with no expectations.

Still want to know if anyone has had to confront WAH about knowing more of the truth than he's admitted to, any suggestions for conversation?

[reb9597]

Validation - H sent me a text this am that he's going to Montana w/ his mother in May. That's amazing!! He has had ZERO tolerance or affection or patience or interest in his mother for nearly 15 years. He cut her off like a diseased limb and we had no contact with her for ages. I'm reading a lot into this, but am impressed that he is willing to give her a chance. And if he's willing to examine his relationship with his mother, maybe he's really ready to take some positive steps towards healing.

H: Going to MT with mom in May for 5 days. Wish me luck.


In light of validating him, please help me with a response?

I replied: Wow that's really cool! Was that your idea or hers? (think this may have been a little antagonistic)

H: I don't remember who's idea it was.

So I'd like to reply: I think that's really great. I'm really impressed and glad that you're giving her a chance.

It's the truth, but I think comes across as kind of superior? I want to tell him that it's such an amazing step towards healing some of his inner demons, that it shows his heart is opening to peace, that I hope his priorities are shifting and he's seeing the importance of family, and that I've spoken (too much!! ) to his mom a lot since he left and she's not as bad as we thought. She is damaged, just like we all are.

Advice on how I can say any of this?

[labug]

So I'd like to reply: I think that's really great. I'm really impressed and glad that you're giving her a chance.

You could ask: How are you feeling about that?

[reb9597]

thanks labug, I need to remember those drawing out questions!

Me: I think that's really great planning a trip with your mom. How are you feeling about it?

H: Like I said, wish me luck. We'll see.


Where would I go from here?

[Intact]

Do you need to go anywhere from there? I'm not the best to give advice so wait for the vets but perhaps "I'm sure it will be great"?

[labug]

Luck!

[reb9597]

I did just that labug. Easy peasy. Thank you. Intact, you're right, I'm still so insecure about communicating I question every sentence.

Journal:

More communication with H this week than since last summer! He's texted or emailed me every morning this week. Always about benign subjects or kids, doesn't ask any personal questions of me. I'm upbeat in my replies and even asked him his opinion about D17 issue. Sounds like nothing but it's a huge olive branch for me to give him parenting credit. I'm trying to thaw the huge ice chip on my shoulders about being a single mom. And I made an appointment with a new counselor middle of next month & H agreed. We have plans for H to meet us for day trip for d17s birthday next month too. And he's agreed to help with birthday party plans, will take D15 to order a cake this Sunday.

So why doesn't any of this make me feel good? I was excited at first but quickly realized I had to get my expectations in check. And as the communication continues, I'm feeling more and more like "option B". I don't know if his R continues with OW and I don't feel I can ask. Nothing personal is discussed. I feel like the concessions I have to make for a future R or friendly co-parenting are taken in his stride without any appreciation. It's really hard to keep the goal in site at all times. Was much easier when he ignored me. I don't know how people do it living with their WAS!

H texted me he was going on trip with his mother in May and that's a miracle. He has hardly tolerated her for years! I hope it's a huge step in his personal growth. And I worry about and feel really bad about the things I've told her. I was so crazy panicked with grief and she was a sympathetic ear. MIL invited girls and I to Easter and I wonder if she invited him too, I really don't think so. She would've mentioned it & we've never seen her on Easter so it's not like a tradition or anything.

Bad stuff: I continue to monitor H's posts on a forum site he goes to, but he's nearly stopped! Over the past 3 weeks he's only had a few posts about nothing and it's really driving me crazy trying to figure out why. He's been basically addicted to this sight since 2010 and spent all his time online with his 'friends'. Used to be 30+ per day. The funny thing is that I was really trying to cut back on looking & would only peak every few days because nothing had changed with his pattern, his posts were still stupid and offensive and it felt like it was time to close that door. But then I kept checking and now that his posts are drying up I'm obsessed in a different way, why the change? I'd like to think that he finally realizes how he's been taking time away from his family, but he's not really using his time to see kids every day. Saw them a couple times within the last week & that's a plus. Or he's reading and working on himself - unlikely according to his own admission in his email to me. Or he's spending his time with HER instead of posting online. But he's never once mentioned OW on his site at all. Or he's posting someplace new... the fact that there's no "so what have been up to?" kind of conversations between us makes me feel like there are huge secrets I still don't know about.

Good stuff: I'm doing my first mud run this Sunday. Really looking forward to it even though I haven't trained for the event. I registered for a 5k in May so this Sunday will be my springboard and I'll start a training program next week. DDs and I went to concert last weekend and really had a good time, loved the performance. We all had a little bit of negative energy to start the day off, but I talked to girls about being in control of ourselves & the energy we're putting out & day turned around well. My divorce group ends tonight with a pot luck and I signed up for volunteering meal service at the shelter on Thursday nights to replace this group. And I'm going to really look into al anon. I think that's one of my biggest concerns in thinking of future R with H, is that I really don't want to get into the same patterns of behavior. I don't want to tolerate him escaping with drinking. And I wonder if he still is and again I feel I can't ask.

I've thought a lot about the "I know more than you think I know" conversation I have to have with H, think it may be best to wait until after we start counseling.

I think I'm in a big 'be careful what you wish for' scenario because now that I have H communicating again (for now) it brings up a lot of my own insecurities about how I'll handle or what kind of R will develop in the future.

[reb9597]

Haha just reread my post and when I say "now that I have H communicating again" - that's hilarious because it sounds like I'm still in control. I'm doing a 25 on myself.

Okay I'm not in control. He can talk to me or not, I have no power over what he chooses to do. I can control myself and my replies and that's it. I can be open to exploring a new R but I can't make him do it or want it.

These are my affirmations. I need to remind myself daily.

[25yearsmlc]

Validation - H sent me a text this am that he's going to Montana w/ his mother in May. That's amazing!! He has had ZERO tolerance or affection or patience or interest in his mother for nearly 15 years. He cut her off like a diseased limb and we had no contact with her for ages. I'm reading a lot into this,

YES you do read a lot into this and you've read a lot into his reasons and you're a bit negative in the description of what he did..."cut her off like a diseased limb"...yikes...


but am impressed that he is willing to give her a chance. And if he's willing to examine his relationship with his mother, maybe he's really ready to take some positive steps towards healing.

H: Going to MT with mom in May for 5 days. Wish me luck.


In light of validating him, please help me with a response?

I replied: Wow that's really cool! Was that your idea or hers? (think this may have been a little antagonistic)


who cares? It's as if it's less than good if it wasn't his idea...His response was that he did NOT want to discuss who had the idea, imo. So don't push it. And I don't feel like he needs cheerleading as much as validation....you know?

H: I don't remember who's idea it was.

So I'd like to reply: I think that's really great. I'm really impressed and glad that you're giving her a chance.

It's the truth, but I think comes across as kind of superior? I want to tell him that it's such an amazing step towards healing some of his inner demons, that it shows his heart is opening to peace, that I hope his priorities are shifting and he's seeing the importance of family, and that I've spoken (too much!! ) to his mom a lot since he left and she's not as bad as we thought. She is damaged, just like we all are.

whoa...why all this??^^^ Just back off. Don't push your expectations onto him. He'll "fail" if their entire r isn't repaired with this one trip. A ton of mind reading is going on that I bet HE is not aware of even if it's true.

Maybe he just wants that one relationship in his life not to cause him pain anymore. Maybe he wants forgiveness or wants to give it and that's all...maybe he just wants to see if there is any bond left between them...

if they can get along for 5 LONG days, that's miraculous. And plenty for now.

Why not say "good for you"...and leave it at that? Just my gut...

Advice on how I can say any of this?

[25yearsmlc]

I did just that labug. Easy peasy. Thank you. Intact, you're right, I'm still so insecure about communicating I question every sentence.

Journal:

More communication with H this week than since last summer! He's texted or emailed me every morning this week. Always about benign subjects or kids, doesn't ask any personal questions of me. I'm upbeat in my replies and even asked him his opinion about D17 issue. Sounds like nothing but it's a huge olive branch for me to give him parenting credit. I'm trying to thaw the huge ice chip on my shoulders about being a single mom.

keep the GOAL in mind and not your emotions...your goal is melting the chip on your shoulder...and that's it for now.

And I made an appointment with a new counselor middle of next month & H agreed.

what type of c is this? is it MC or IC or co parenting?

We have plans for H to meet us for day trip for d17s birthday next month too. And he's agreed to help with birthday party plans, will take D15 to order a cake this Sunday.

So why doesn't any of this make me feel good? I was excited at first but quickly realized I had to get my expectations in check.



um yeah, big time.

And as the communication continues, I'm feeling more and more like "option B". I don't know if his R continues with OW and I don't feel I can ask. Nothing personal is discussed. I feel like the concessions I have to make for a future R or friendly co-parenting are taken in his stride without any appreciation. It's really hard to keep the goal in site at all times.

yes it is. But it's crucial


Was much easier when he ignored me. I don't know how people do it living with their WAS!

H texted me he was going on trip with his mother in May and that's a miracle. He has hardly tolerated her for years! I hope it's a huge step in his personal growth. And I worry about and feel really bad about the things I've told her. I was so crazy panicked with grief and she was a sympathetic ear.

you have no control over what she tells him. IF he comes back angry at you for bad mouthing him or complaining or revealing too much, then own it. Say you were in a lot of pain and were desparate and that you agree you should not have done that. Won't happen again...diffuse the bomb.

And now stop worrying about it. For all you know, she'll be discreet and supportive. And it is destructive to worry about what we cannot control.


MIL invited girls and I to Easter and I wonder if she invited him too, I really don't think so. She would've mentioned it & we've never seen her on Easter so it's not like a tradition or anything.

Bad stuff: I continue to monitor H's posts on a forum site he goes to, but he's nearly stopped!

WTH? Stop this.

Over the past 3 weeks he's only had a few posts about nothing and it's really driving me crazy trying to figure out why. He's been basically addicted to this sight since 2010 and spent all his time online with his 'friends'.

so now who is the addict? Even when he's NOT posting there you are obsessing. STOP GONIG THERE...it's not healthy behavior. How is trust going to be rebuilt when you are like this?


Used to be 30+ per day. The funny thing is that I was really trying to cut back on looking & would only peak every few days because nothing had changed with his pattern, his posts were still stupid and offensive and it felt like it was time to close that door. But then I kept checking and now that his posts are drying up I'm obsessed in a different way, why the change?

OMG so now we'll worry about WHY he's NOT posting there? Wow, I hope you see what an utter waste of time and how destructive, this self inflicted pain you are engaging in is. You must stop this.For YOUR sake...you sound like you are a whirling dervish of worry and obessing and blurting things out. Take a breath. Do you have an IC?


I'd like to think that he finally realizes how he's been taking time away from his family, but he's not really using his time to see kids every day. Saw them a couple times within the last week & that's a plus. Or he's reading and working on himself - unlikely according to his own admission in his email to me. Or he's spending his time with HER instead of posting online. But he's never once mentioned OW on his site at all. Or he's posting someplace new... the fact that there's no "so what have been up to?" kind of conversations between us makes me feel like there are huge secrets I still don't know about.


so snooping has not revealed all to you? Nope...you're still mind reading and NOT getting answers. Just stop it. Please...you don't know how controlling you sound by doing this and still trying to find out ALL the "huge secrets you don't know about." Well you won't ever know for sure even with him in front of you...

Good grief, I thank GOD I have some secrets from my h. I want some of "me" to be just mine...


Good stuff: I'm doing my first mud run this Sunday. Really looking forward to it even though I haven't trained for the event. I registered for a 5k in May so this Sunday will be my springboard and I'll start a training program next week. DDs and I went to concert last weekend and really had a good time, loved the performance.

Good stuff^^^


We all had a little bit of negative energy to start the day off, but I talked to girls about being in control of ourselves & the energy we're putting out & day turned around well.

wow, so now if you can just take your own advice!! (and trust me I know what it's like to GIVE good advice and then find yourself saying "OMG that's what I have to do too!"


My divorce group ends tonight with a pot luck and I signed up for volunteering meal service at the shelter on Thursday nights to replace this group. And I'm going to really look into al anon. I think that's one of my biggest concerns in thinking of future R with H, is that I really don't want to get into the same patterns of behavior. I don't want to tolerate him escaping with drinking. And I wonder if he still is and again I feel I can't ask.

pointless to ask. He can lie or resent the question. But YOU CAN go to al anon and learn a ton about detachment which is a big challenge for you.

I highly recommend it.

I've thought a lot about the "I know more than you think I know" conversation I have to have with H, think it may be best to wait until after we start counseling.

I think I'm in a big 'be careful what you wish for' scenario because now that I have H communicating again (for now) it brings up a lot of my own insecurities about how I'll handle or what kind of R will develop in the future.

why do you HAVE to tell him you snooped? What's the goal?

If you want to know how honest he'll be, give him a chance to be honest.

if he isn't and that's not okay with you just TELL HIM THAT...

you need honesty, and lying about drinking or still having an OW are dealbreakers...what's the downside if those things are true?