Alright Sailing, here come the 2x4's so brace yourself
Originally Posted By: SailingAlone
I said almost nothing, except making noise such as "ah ha" "umm" to indicate I was listening to her.
That is not validation. It's OK to do some of that, but make sure you maintain eye contact and are being a good listener. Otherwise it comes off as dismissive.
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When she said "I'm pathetic" -- I did say, "no, you're not pathetic"
This is exactly what I mean and why I asked you to type out the convo, so many people think this is validation and it is in fact the OPPOSITE of validation. You are telling her "no, your feelings are wrong." You do NOT want to respond like this! She says "I'm pathetic", you ask "I hear you saying you think you're pathetic, why do you feel that way?" This mirrors her feelings back and encourages her to talk more about her emotions. This is telling her "I hear you and I want to hear more". So it might go: "I feel so confused and lonely, that's why I feel pathetic." "Yes, I can understand why you feel confused and lonely, I'm sorry you feel that way." And STOP there! Don't fix her problems, don't tell her she's wrong, don't argue/ reason/ plead/ justify/ explain. Get her to open up about her emotions and validate them by telling her you hear her and you understand why she feels that way.
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I did give her some reassurances to the effect "it'll get better, and that it takes time to build friendships."
THIS IS NOT VALIDATION! This is dismissive!! It's telling her "I don't really care about what you're feeling now because it'll be better tomorrow, you just need to suck it up and wait it out." Again, validation is CONFIRMATION that her feelings are real, they are important, they are valid and you respect them. The way she feels right HERE and NOW is what you are validating.
