The whole codependency scheme seems like a vortex - from what I can tell of it.
Not sure if you've followed me from the beginning, but my M was NOT one of the "blindsided" sort. I was indeed shocked at the EA, and stunned by H's beliefs about me and our R. But things had only worked for so long, I believe, because of my conscious decision to be "compliant" during the early years of our M.
There are those who insist I did this out of "fear". I can't discount this opinion entirely, however, I would remind them that at the time I was mom to 4 children under the age of 5. I do not have a high paying job - or resume to attain such. My H had children from 2 prior M's, none of which he paid support for. One does what one feels one has to - especially for one's children.
Now, post bomb, I have some concerns financially but soon the last 2 of the 4 will be 18. This means I no longer have to sacrifice out of fear for my kids continued support. Without the bomb, I would no doubt have continued with the compliance, the status quo -at least for a fair amount of time. But the bomb has freed me from that. Of course, after 2 decades of compliance, I have become rusty at certain skillsets. And am rediscovering "who" I am, and what I would like to do. Sometimes this is fun, sometimes its overwhelming.
Regarding my H, well its a funny thing. We are having to establish new roles for ourselves. I told him in the last R talk that his concession about ow only changed the here and now. He was maybe surprised to hear this, to hear that I agreed that "this doesn't really change anything". He clings to the idea of remaining together until the twins turn 18 - I told him "maybe".
Little thing that happened this morning - I offhandedly asked H to make me breakfast.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
