Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[LuckyLuke]

Adinva,

Thanks for your long post. I think the whole thing sort of mutated inside her, into an angry, resentful emotion, with roots in no physical touch, separation due to my job, me not setting boundaries, and her feeling that time has passed with not much career or income to show for it. She is a proud person, and none of this helped.

L

[LuckyLuke]

Oh, a small question on a small thing: I bought a red shirt today, on sale even, and could either hang it up in the closet, where she will happen to come across it, or wear it. Which is better?

Tx,

L

[Intact]

Oh, a small question on a small thing: I bought a red shirt today, on sale even, and could either hang it up in the closet, where she will happen to come across it, or wear it. Which is better?

Tx,

L

Wear it! You bought it for YOU not her.

[MrBond]

"My W is also an exaggerator. I helped renovate the house too, but she did much more: if I say that I helped too she usually beats me back saying that she did most of it."

You can't say that she exaggerated this fact, because you said it yourself that she did most of the renovations. Stop lying to yourself and be honest about the situation.

" I think the whole thing sort of mutated inside her,"

No it didn't "mutate" inside of her. What you don't understand is that she brought it up to you WAY in the beginning, but like you said, you swept it under the rug and didn't acknowledge it. To a woman, there are only so many times that they will complain about something in the relationship before they turn silent and that is when they become resentful. She felt you ignored her needs, or at least didn't think they were important. That was probably from your lack of empathy.

"into an angry, resentful emotion, with roots in no physical touch, separation due to my job,"

Yes.

"me not setting boundaries,"

What boundaries are you talking about? It doesn't seem like she was breaking any boundaries when all this first happened. And that is the key. You can't look at how things are right now, you have to look back at how and when all this first started. I believe it was when she told you she didn't like the long separations and you ignored her.

"and her feeling that time has passed with not much career or income to show for it."

Of course she feels this way. She couldn't get a job (and therefore earn alot of money) because she had to be there for the children.

"She is a proud person, and none of this helped."

This doesn't have alot to do with your sitch.

Your natural lack of empathy didn't make you see what she was complaining about. Because you don't like conflict, your natural reaction was to ignore her which made her even more resentful. You said you don't have close friends, so you have no way of relating to how she felt inside and I believe she sensed it. Her coldness was a way of protecting herself. She didn't want to be abandoned emotionally any more.

And you didn't answer my questions from earlier. Did you stay in contact while you were gone? Did you tell her you loved her or sent her flowers or tell her you appreciated her when you were gone? What romantic gestures did you do while you were gone? How did you talk or relate to the children while you were gone?

[LuckyLuke]

Mr. Bond:

Yes, I stayed in contact, trying for an email every day, and maybe a call once a week. I would sign the emails with "love", and look carefully if hers were signed that way also, gauging things. I tried to stay in the kids' lives by e.g. sending my daughter a chapter of Sherlock Holmes (whom she likes) audiobook every day one trip. I sent flowers last year, though not on any particular day (e.g. Valentine's). Once, when she was on a business trip to Japan, I sent a romantic telegram to her at the hotel, apparently quite the stir with the bellboy having to find her.

The odd thing is that I've been told that I am empathetic on numerous occasions, typically by taxi drivers, whose stories I like to hear, or by a Russian guy I know. I don't feel a natural at keeping things going, however.

DB coaching session early next week. EE down payment made.

I'll think more about this - am quite tired now from two lousy nights of little sleep - more tomorrow - thx - L

[MrBond]

"Yes, I stayed in contact, trying for an email every day, and maybe a call once a week."

Should have tried calling her every day. An email is very impersonal.

"I would sign the emails with "love","

"Love" is much better said and heard than written. Unless it was in a poem.

"I tried to stay in the kids' lives by e.g. sending my daughter a chapter of Sherlock Holmes (whom she likes) audiobook every day one trip."

Did you ever "talk" to them on the phone? Ask them how their day was, etc.?

"I sent flowers last year,"

Do you mean your W or your D? Either way, it was a gesture that was too late. How often did you do that when you were gone?

"Once, when she was on a business trip to Japan, I sent a romantic telegram to her at the hotel, apparently quite the stir with the bellboy having to find her. "

What did the "telegram" say? Was it just the telegram or did it come with flowers or anything special?

Sometimes I get the feeling that in the past, you would do "just enough". You might have thought it was enough, but it wasn't.

"The odd thing is that I've been told that I am empathetic on numerous occasions, typically by taxi drivers, "

Seriously? These are complete strangers. All you're doing is listening to them and agreeing. What would your D or son say about you?

[LuckyLuke]

Okay okay - thank you for your tough honesty

What do I do now?

The telegram was a funny love poem -
Yes, I talked to the kids sometimes on the phone, and skyped with my son to help him with math.
Sometimes I would send a gift for them, and would always bring gifts home.
The flowers were just to the house. I think the message said I miss you.

I want to become a man that can nurture and have a real relationship and have friendships. During my day I usually hear from no one outside the family, which [censored]. I have high hopes for EE, hope to come back a different person and grow. The only question will be what, if anything, I tell my family about it. My MIL, for example, will need to know.

I am gone again in April. I understand that DBing requires me to give W space. Nonetheless, I want to - without encroaching on her - still stay in touch, as no communication seems too much. Any recommendation on how/when? There will be more to report this time, as I will be traveling to company HQ and presumably have tales to tell.

S/D would probably say that I love them but am not good at showing it or doing it, that there is awkwardness. S and I had a great time in Spain, and D wants to go to national parks and then to California (where I work) with me in June. I think I said this before, but taking my son to college this past September and then leaving him there was having my heart ripped out, and I told him so. Since then the grief has stopped a bit, but if I think about it, I want to call him and be there with him. Just texted my D.

S comes home from school tonight, on a late flight. I will clean the house so my W does not have to so much.

L

[LuckyLuke]

Just realized that S and I will be together here at home for 3 weeks! He has a lot of studying to do, but nonetheless, looking forward to quality time!

Now to think about what a son needs from his dad.

I send him small presents, btw, maybe once a month of so, to his dorm room. He got a kettlebell, a Paris guide, etc.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

You know, the more I think about it, I was not a bad dad, generally speaking, at least in some ways. I read a bunch of books to the kids (Suzanne Collin's 'Gregor the Overlander' series is great), I have the luxury of time at home with them since I mostly work from home, and try to do things together, teach my son a bit of cooking, had him do his homework in my work room, with me.

I was a bad husband, though, and not a good example to the kids of an adult.

Time to change that.

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

As she was leaving for school this morning, daughter asked me to clean house today, in preparation for son's arrival. She had a good, specific, I think DBish, recommendation: clean my work room. This is a 90 and positive action (something I can do instead of not do) for me.

Last week the other side of the street's sidewalk got swept of the gravel and sand buildup on it. I thought this was a good idea, and did the same on our side. W noticed and seemed in a better mood that night.

So - a cleaning day, but with no expectations.

Luke