I truly feel for you. I think the best course is to detach and show your wife positive changes in you. Did she ever mention why she is so angry? knowing that might help you in moving forward in making the correct positive changes.
Can I ask why a D? Why not a legal separation, or something that doesn't make this so final?
We agreed to make divorce easy ... If I did seperation instead w would get upset. It feels done. she leaves on week vacation 1 week from tomorrow and she moves out following week. She is done I have no time to I have lasting change ... I have no reason to see her after she moves
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
One of the things I am learning is that I no longer need to do things that I really don't want to do just to appease my W. If she wants a 'D', let her file. If you don't, then you shouldn't file. Let her own what she is doing.
I don't think this is being disagreeable or difficult, it just reflects the reality of the situation. Why are you in such a hurry?
How long have you allowed your W to control you with her "upset" behavior?
I'm trying to figure out why you are seeking advice on a divorce busting forum, but are determined to file for the D. At first, I thought it was b/c you thought if would be a tactic to get your W back. But after seeing you say it would upset her......that tells me you are so use to being passive that you think you have to do whatever she wants.
Do you really want to save the M, or do you want to do what she wants?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are both probably right... I am being too agreeable .. I was thinking many things when I contacted the paralegal company. I want to make sure that the D doesn't financially destroy me.. Being agreeable and not using lawyers. I was scared that the marriage cannot survive because I had just found out that there is another man in the picture. I was trying to take control where I felt I had lost some. Finally I did read someplace that initiating D could actually draw w back to me. Anyway neither one of us has actually signed anything yet. We have just had phone conversations with company. I still have well over 6 months before the D could possibly go through... I am much more worried about move out date. By removing pressure of a legal battle I thouht I could focus better on the relationship part of the marriage. What do you think that the effect will be on the relationship from starting the D?
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
Arrrrrgh! I just wrote a long post and somehow lost it. So, to make this short, I feel that you believe that somehow the D will give you a break with your W, where you don’t seem to have much luck right now.
This is what I’ve learned through reading and witnessing others. Get a lawyer and his advice to protect your finances. Let your W move out without any pleading from you. Then, you go dark. No relationship, no contacts, nothing. You go on a self improvement “course” and try to find the man you use to be (or maybe even better). Stop being a passive type, b/c women do not respect passive men and they certainly aren’t attracted to them. You may see it keeping the peace, but it just breeds resentment.
She needs to go through some things before she can even think of being with you again. She has to learn some things that require you staying the heck away from her. I don’t have time right now (since I had already written it out), but it may take up to two years before she’s over this OM. They may get M, IDK. But if you D her, then she’s free to do whatever.
If she is pressing you to file, then it must be b/c she wants you to pay the expenses. If she wants to file, then don’t try to stop her. She’s not listening to you anymore. Set her free, and then you get a life that doesn’t include her. When her fairytale begins falling apart, she may turn to you for comfort, IDK. It’s up to you to decide if you want to be just “friends”. However, be careful of friends only, b/c it can become very comfortable to the W and a miserable trap for the H.
A divorce is not the ticket to R the M. You, like so many men, are trying to find that magic button to press to fix the problem, but it just doesn’t work that way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks sandi. I love my wife very much. We have only been married for 3 years. I can't see waiting 2 to see if she might come back. I am beginning to understand the reality that there is no magic pill. I need to protect my house and the money my parents have put into it. Still the divorce is on hold for now. W doesn't want to pay anything right now. I may look into separation to protect house. We'll see.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I am in your exact situation and feel for you. I'm contemplating the same move. W has no money. I have 2 kids from previous marriage. Just trying to protect myself and children. Love her to death but I filed a year ago when she left and the we reconciled. But I'm in the same boat again. I wish you luck. If anyone has any of those crystal balls throw one my way.
Me:34 W:26 Together:5yrs M:6/4/11 1st bomb 11/11 2nd bomb 1/21/13 W files for D 3/18/13 She's living with her mom S:13 Previous marriage S:11 Previous marriage She has OM Previous FWB
