Glad to see you able to post. A lot of stuff to catch up on so will work from most recent. I'll try and touch on your responses to my original post later today.
Cadet's most recent post is VERY important to understand. It's also a very hard one to understand early in a sitch.
Originally Posted By: mrtwopointfour
if I make a change because I realized that I was doing something in our R which I now see as obvious and regret - for instance, not listening to W, or at least not properly. Is this change for me or her, because in a way it crosses over.
At the end of the day its something she has flagged, but its also something i know is a fault of mine which i wish to improve on for myself.
You answered your own question. Through this process it doesn't matter how you figure out your issues, if it's something you want to change then it's for you. Many of the changes you'll realize may benefit your R with W and some may not. The important thing to remember is you're making the changes to become the person you want to be, irregardless of anything else. This is what you own.
Originally Posted By: mrtwopointfour
I have my family, but the more it goes on the more I think they are pushing me to move on, or protect myself etc - they are just concerned for me and the kids. I have a good friend who I speak to, but again his attitude to things is 'don't put up with it, I wouldn't' - means well, but not hugely helpful. And then I have an old friend that is brilliant, his wife is a counselor so he knows a bit about this stuff, he has been married way before we did, and is very grounded. problem is I feel like I am always talking at him, so trying not to lean on him too much.
In my sitch I've had to stop talking with my family and old friends because they don't understand DB at all or why we stand. They see us hurting and want it to stop. You can let them know what you're doing and make sure to put up a boundary if they aren't supporting what you're doing. This process isn't easy and friends trying to help by telling you what you're doing is crazy doesn't make it easier.
One thing on 5LL, it's a great book and I would recommend everybody read it. With that the first time I read it I didn't get as much out of it as I did the second time. The first time I felt like a POS because I didn't know any of this stuff and felt like I blew it in my M. Later a friend told me they felt the same way the first time they read it and recommended I read it again. Second time, when I was a little further along, I saw it as the helpful tool that it is and have put it to better use. I know a few others felt this way also so just letting you know, don't be too hard on yourself and take what you can from it now.
Originally Posted By: mrtwopointfour
W is sending a lot of emails and messages with a kiss at the end. Am I reading too much into this
I assume you mean to you. I wouldn't read anything into it. Only thing that comes from trying to read into it is raised expectations and that is something you want to stay away from. The roller coaster ride down in DBing isn't like at your amusement park, it $ucks!
One other thing with these e-mails/ messages, are you responding right away? I would consider waiting on some and maybe even not responding to a couple if you used to always respond. Be a little mysterious. She isn't the center of your universe (anymore). Make sense?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
