for 6 months I wanted to temp check after second BD and living at home. I didn't. When I was separated I asked her if she missed me and I got "not you, only the kids"
When I tried to pursue under same roof I would get "I'm not ready yet and the slow pat on the chest"
The questions you ask are common but really you just have to let go off all that stuff.
The last temperature check I did (several weeks ago) W said "well, it looks like I am going to have to choose one way or the other. To stay or leave, and be done with it." That didn't sound to promising to me. I haven't brought it up since.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
geez... guess I will keep my mouth shut & put the thermometer back in the drawer.
Thanks for this piece of advice Guys !!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Holding on to them won't make them stay. We have to let go.
Re: Detachment. I see it as a mechanism to help us cope. If you're dealing with things ok, no need to detach any more. I'm only detaching as much as I need to, for me.
Avoiding them in the hopes that they miss us seems a loosing game to me, unless you're in a Last Resort situation. Better to allow them to see your changes and build on the connection. This doesn't mean pursue.
If we're not fulfilling their needs (as much as they'll accept from us right now) that only opens the door for another man to do so. Nope, not with my wife!
Re: Living with W while being rejected by her. Did you know physical separation is more likely to lead to D? Probably because instead of missing us, they figure out they are fine on their own after all. Plus, this REALLY opens the door for another man.
I don't care how tough it is detaching while sharing a home/bed together. I much prefer it to the alternative.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Grizz - You're doing fine buddy. Try to relax and not breakdown every situation. Do your thing and let her do her thing. Walking on eggshells isn't healthy for you. Act confident in what you're doing while giving her space.
Detaching while living together...yeah I feel your pain but I agree it's better than the alternative.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Holding on to them won't make them stay. We have to let go.
Re: Detachment. I see it as a mechanism to help us cope. If you're dealing with things ok, no need to detach any more. I'm only detaching as much as I need to, for me.
Avoiding them in the hopes that they miss us seems a loosing game to me, unless you're in a Last Resort situation. Better to allow them to see your changes and build on the connection. This doesn't mean pursue.
If we're not fulfilling their needs (as much as they'll accept from us right now) that only opens the door for another man to do so. Nope, not with my wife!
Re: Living with W while being rejected by her. Did you know physical separation is more likely to lead to D? Probably because instead of missing us, they figure out they are fine on their own after all. Plus, this REALLY opens the door for another man.
I don't care how tough it is detaching while sharing a home/bed together. I much prefer it to the alternative.
I struggle with this. One of the biggest things that I didnt give my wife during our marriage was emotional love, support, encouragement and physical attention. Right now W seems to enjoy my attention and words, physical attention when she is in the mood. I honestly feel it is building something positive. That said it makes it near impossible for me to detach and very hard not to over do it. So for me it is a fine line. I also feel that if I stop giving her attention in these ways it would be like going back to how I was before, does this make any sense? Oh btw I am fighting the statement about physical separation and letting that get me down, my heart sunk when I read it.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Grizz - You're doing fine buddy. Try to relax and not breakdown every situation. Do your thing and let her do her thing. Walking on eggshells isn't healthy for you. Act confident in what you're doing while giving her space.
^^^This^^^
I would also add that walking on eggshells is very unattractive. It's only natural that we do it at first, out of fear of making things worse or sending her packing, but we have to get over it, because it helps no one. If our W’s want out, they can bail on us at any time. It seems to me once we accept this reality and let go of them, they are actually MORE likely to stay/return.
I remember early on in my sitch being worried about silly little things that actually made no difference at all to my wife. I sometimes asked her opinion about things I should have just handled on my own. It made me look weak. No woman wants a weak H.
We have to be ourselves, (well, our new improved self) and let the confidence show. For the M to work, our wives have to choose us, chase us even. Aim for this goal.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Wow sorry, I should have posted on my thread, sorry Grizz.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
