I am writing from Australia. I am hoping that being on this forum will bring me some peace and provide me with some good techniques to help me save my marriage.
Wife and I met 15 years ago at Uni. We got married 5 years ago and have had two children. After the birth of our first child small cracks appeared in our relationship. After the birth of our second child the cracks got bigger. We then renovated our house and move 3 times in the last 2 years. Our relationship got harder and we were not able to resolve conflict that successfully and went to a counsellor again. It worked for a while but our conflict resolution got worse shortly after and so did our intimacy although we still had sex but nothing else.
Jump forward to now, our marriage reached a pinnacle when we had a big argument, I lost my cool and told her I wanted to divorce and moved out. A week later I wanted to move back in but my wife did not let me and told me to find somewhere to rent.
She said that we should spend 6 months apart as she needed to understand how much my negative behaviour had affected her and work out if she could ever be in a physical relationship with me again. I agreed to move out and told her I would do anything to try and save our marriage.
I have since rented an apartment and we have been co-parenting our two boys so we see each other other a few times a week. Friendly talking is okay but heavy conversations lead to an argument where she brings up things that I have said and done in past …like a broken record.
I have since been seeing a psychologist and have learnt that I was suffering from depression (and suspect W might be too). I have made huge progress on my mental state, my self-esteem and I am exercising, not drinking and being the best father I have been ever.
She refuses to acknowledge any of my good points or the good stuff in our marriage and how hard last year was on both of us (careers, house renovations, uni studies etc). She is only focused on the bad stuff and keeps repeating it.
She said that I had become a horrible person to be around and that as a consequence she had become introverted and had lost her inner strength and self because of me and my behaviour. She says the following - Concerned we are not right for each - She does not trust herself with me - She needs to look after herself now - She doesnt deserve this kind of marriage - Says she will aalways love me as the father of our children and as a friend but doesn think she can love me in any way.
We went to two counselling sessions and on the 2nd session last week, the counsellor asked her if she was willing to commit to saving our marriage she said “NO”. C asked if she was willing to forgive me and continue the relationship with me and she said “NO”. C said there was nothing more she could do for us and left it at that.
I have just ordered DR and DB online as my last resort. I am trying to stay calm and practice some of the 37 tips.
In order to try and show that I was detached I then went and booked an appointment with the same counsellor in a weeks time to start talking about working through the separation. W has agreed and now I am freaking out and thinking how stupid I was to try and be the tough guy.
Please help.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
I am in almost the exact same boat. Best advise that I can give is to detach and to work on becoming a better you right now. Make her SEE the positive changes...because at this point she wont believe you by word of mouth. Once she sees that, maybe her WAS resolve will weaken.
I feel for you...this is the hardest thing in the world and it will feel like a marathon at a snails pace. But, just try to look at the positives.
Thanks hopefulmotherof2. I hope you are doing okay.
Your advice is spot on, nothing i say makes a difference and I need to make changes for me, not her. My positive changes have been to engage with my two little boys 100%, be in the moment and show them love, compassion and kindness and make their life with me fun and loving so they know that I am here for them 100%. I cant tell how much better my relationship with them is right now, the more love and time i give the more i get back. Truly rewarding. I am also taking good care of myself too.
I guess I am still in shock, i cant believe that she cannot look back and see how much good there was in our relationship. She is so stuck in the bad stuff. The hardest part is that when we see each other, she is so friendly as long as the conversation does not turn to our M and our future. I have managed to cancel our appointment with the C to discuss the seperation/ divorce process. I was not happy with the C who got us here so quickly so i just said that I did not believe that C was the right person to guide us through the next steps. W agreed. I will no longer make any effort to fastrack this process or suggest any MC's. It is not my decision to discontinue our M, it is hers. I will support my W if i have to, but I cannot support her decision as I do not believe in it.
If nothing else i have bought myself some time.I cant wait to get DB and DR!!
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
You did the right thing by booking the counselor appointment to plan the separation. Like a broken record your wife is stuck and the only way beyond that is to give her the space she wants. Check out the book Controlled Separation before your next appointment, it will give you some ideas for how to handle it.
You have to completely let her go for a while and continue focusing on you. That's the shortest path to reconciliation ironically.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Firstly, i just want to thank all the people out there giving me advice. I cannot tell how much this is helping so I just to make sure that I am appreciative of your help.
The hardest things at the moment are how freidnly my wife and I are together, we can talk just like we used to about the boys, friends etc but i have worked out that there is no point talking about us or our future...it just stresses her out.
You are right Accuray - I have to let her go..compeletely. I strongly believe that she has to go on her own journey to rediscover herself and her own strengths. Being a mother of two and a successful architect has worn her out and unfortunately i could have done a lot to help her as well, but instead i was busy trying to be the "man", get a better job, earn more money and set our family up financially.
I wrote her an email and expressed that I did not believe the C we had seen was the right person to guide us through the next steps, she agreed and we have since cancelled the appointment.I have decided to no longer drive the seperation as it does not feel right. This is not what i want. I will support my wife and her decision, but I cannot support the decision itself. I will allow her to make arrangments from here on and send my pride and ego on a holiday for a while...they are not helping at all.
I have to remind myself that no matter how much pain i feel, she is also suffering too. There are no winners in this scenario. I cannot wait to get DB and DR, but I feel that the advice I am getting here is already sending me down the right path and I must continue to improve myself and keep strengthening the bond I have with my children as this is proving to be incredibly rewarding.
AND patience....must learn patience....damn thats a hard one.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
Have been reading through so many stories and i guess its nice to realise that my story is not unique by any means.
I am confused as to what the line in the sand is for worrying about her or caring. Is it wrong to show that you are interested in how she is doing and how she is feeling?
What level of care is enough for her to know that you are still here without pushing here away. I dont want her to think that I dont care about how she is doing.
I cant help but worry if she is okay, when i picked up the kids the other morning she look so tired and sad. I didnt ask her how she was, but i could tell she wasnt in a good place. She must feel incredibly guilty for the children i imagine. She must be suffering as much as I am but in her own way.
Her aunty died the other week....the same afternoon she told me and the C that she did not want to continue the relationship. I didn't find out until a few days later.... She no longer feels the need to share her pain or sorrows with me anymore.
The weekend of BD she invited herself to our friends house to go and tell them what is going on between us. My good mate was dumbstruck as she rattled out her story. He said she was crying and speaking with conviction that she had had enough and that was it, like a pre-rehearsed story. Apparently she got drunk which she has been doing for a while but i think she has started cutting back.
She has not mentioned D just yet and is not really making any quick moves to organise the formal separation although living in an apartment and not my home is pretty darn separated. I will leave it up to her to organise it if she wants. I will support her but not the decision, i have no interest in speeding it up.
Man as soon as you think you are getting somewhere, you start second guessing yourself and then the sadness kicks in pretty quickly after that.
Conversation still friendly at this stage, but i will avoid all M talk like the plague unless she initiates and if that happens, i will try and keep it shortish but listen as much as possible
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
I noticed this morning my wife has taken her wedding ring off...not sure how long it has been off. I had to fight the feelings I had and play it cool, but i felt sick in the stomach.
I did not mention it, played it cool as we were in a good conversation mood and just ignored it.
I thought about it a lot on the way to work and realised she is free to do whatever she wants, and if this is what she needs to do right now i cant stop her.
I thought whether i should take mine off but have decided against it. I am still a married man and it feels right that I should still wear my ring.I guess ill know when the time comes to take it off.
Me - 37 W - 37 M -5 T - 15
S=5 S=3
Seperated - 12/12 BD - 20/03/13 Still seperated - no R or M talk yet.
WOW... good for you! I wish I had kept my mouth shut... I noticed new underwear on my h (as he bent over)... why did I comment? He assured me that they were not new. BEATING MYSELF UP!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
