Does it make sense - probably not - to text her an apology first, now, soon, during her work day? I can apologize to her in person, of course, asking did you get my text message, but perhaps both together will have a larger effect?
It may well be too late, even with an apology, but in the karmic scheme of things I agree that it should be said.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
And the car is a symbol of my economic power probably to her - and hence unfairness - sigh - it was supposed to be for everyone.
I don't want to oppress her or make her feel oppressed -
Yes, she did the vast majority of the kid raising, took care of them when they were sick, and I think formed them much more than I did. I did take them on weekend trips - playing Viking, camping, riding railway bikes, etc. but I guess she still feels that it was not fair.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
"I did take them on weekend trips - playing Viking, camping, riding railway bikes, etc. but I guess she still feels that it was not fair."
Of course not. She was there for the whole week while you just did the weekend thing. She probably helped them on their homework and projects. Taking up alot of time.
I would suggest you sit down and craft a very thoughtful letter detailing everything and post it here. Be specific. Don't just say "sorry for abandoning you." This has to show that you UNDERSTAND her POV. That you understand the hurt you've caused her,
sandi might be able to chime in on this.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Talking to you last week was an eye opener for me. I couldn't sleep before nor after, there were so many thoughts in my head. It was the first time that I believe I really understood, and so am writing you this letter.
I have been a very selfish person. Instead of being here and being a dad and a husband, I run off to the States, away from you, the kids and the work. Instead of me dealing with the kids' lice or worms, you did. You got the laundry, the vacuuming, the helping with the kids' homework, the cooking, the house painting, the paint scraping, the parental meetings, the trash, and all the unending large burden of running a house and a family. Your time, which could have been spent more on your work, was taken from you by my stupid male greed.
This was very disrespectful and uncaring of me. I didn't even check in, really, to see how you were doing, truly doing, and to tell you that I missed you and the kids. Just the occasional email was presumed to be enough.
For all that I am very sorry. I have taken, not played fair, and not given back, and for all this transgression, I don't presume that you can ever forgive me, but in the karmic way of things, I want to give you this apology.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Of course I helped in the household, and with the kids too, but I was gone 4-5 x per year, 2-3 weeks at a time, in the US, working. That does not include the other occasional business trips.
My W and kids certainly did not get the attention and love that a physically present H/dad could give.
My W is also an exaggerator. I helped renovate the house too, but she did much more: if I say that I helped too she usually beats me back saying that she did most of it.
I am proud of what I did for the renovation (often the dirty, heavier work). I go to a parent meeting tonight.
How to balance the facts with her feelings seems to be the trick, and as Mr. B pointed out, the sense of abandonment must be rough. No wonder she wants to abandon me to sleep downstairs.
L
I wrote, or tried to, emails every day.
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I think, Luke, that you are working through a very important thing here. I agree, don't send the letter yet, but thanks for sharing it here.
All this time W has seemed like a very bad person, being mean to a perfectly nice and gentle H like you. Now we have something we can sink our teeth into, something that drives a wedge in marriages and leads to resentment and loss of respect in an almost predictable way. It might explain PART of what happened to get your marriage to this brink, it might yield a CLUE to how you might turn the relationship around or at least begin to heal from what's happening here. The long physical separations may have created a disengagement from the relationship that led to the rest of this.
Throwing yourself under the bus with exaggeration and drama is perhaps subconsciously a tactic. It puts you again (still) in victim mode. You did something wrong but it wasn't THAT wrong, not as wrong as you say, so there's something to argue with and you end up getting to be the weak victim of a mean W. You have even given support to this idea of mine in your followup messages that indicate you even really don't believe your letter - you actually did do some hard work on the house, etc.
Now, the separations may have been not that bad or not that long, and you felt they were necessary for your job as breadwinner in the family, and she may have even given them her full support. Look at how many military marriages fall apart after the separation of a tour of duty, when they knew upfront it would be hard and had resources to try to handle it, and the spouse at home tried to be fully supportive. Physical separation is just really hard on a marriage.
Small resentments become big resentments become lack of affection, lack of respect, lack of love. It happened to me anyway.
So what is the point of your apology? If you follow DB, the point would be to acknowledge her feelings, to show remorse for a mistake you didn't even know at the time but now do, to verbalize what happened so that you might grow from the experience and become a better man. It's not for karma, which if you think about it is a very self-serving reason for apologizing, the fact that you're doing it in order to get something good later on from the universe...do you feel mentioning karma in your letter is going to enable your W to feel validated and understood, or irritated at your self-centeredness? There's a lot of talk on the forums about whether, when, and how to apologize for things you've realized now that you regret. Discussing it here and wordcrafting your thoughts here can be therapeutic, educational, and also helpful in term of whether you have the right motivations and the right approach.
I think it is really useful for you to look at whether you considered her needs during your separations, or whether you limited yourself to what you thought her needs were.
I think it's really big, at least a very big departure from the kinds of things you've posted in DB up until now, to hear that your W has recently expressed that she felt abandoned by you when you worked abroad. Is that news to you as it is to me?
Rather than assuming you now know all she felt then, maybe you could have a dialogue with her asking about it, how she felt then, what she was missing. And just hear her, and validate that it must have been hard for her. You don't want to argue back that it was agreed on at the time, that it was money for her and the family, and yadayada. What you need to know are the facts of what she was feeling about that, which sound like news to you unless you've known and were leaving that part out all the time you've been posting here.
The bummer is that finally realizing what really happened to your marriage doesn't necessarily enable you to fix it. But it does enable you to stop feeling like a victim, heal, perhaps repair some of W's hurt feelings, and move on with more self respect.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Talking to you last week was an eye opener for me. I couldn't sleep before nor after, there were so many thoughts and feelings in my head. It was the first time that I believe I really understood, and so am writing you this letter.
I have been a selfish person. Instead of being here, and being a dad and a husband, I run off to the States, putting work first, and away from you, the kids and the work of each day. Instead of me dealing with the kids' lice or worms, you did. You did the laundry, the vacuuming, the cooking, the house scraping and painting and tiling, and took the continuous burden of running a house and a family. I have taken more than I have given, and this was disrespectful and uncaring of me.
For all that I am very sorry.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
