My wife will sometimes talk and sometimes not. When I am on trips, she doesn't communicate with me very much at all. I guess I probably take her silence personally. I am working on that. I think we both notice the difference in our interactions with each other, hence the "weirdness". She seems to want things to be "familiar". Maybe she feels that may help her "love" for me come back. Or she could be just expressing her distress. She says she really doesn't like change.
On your input, I'll continue contact, but hopefully with no expectations. That way, I'm not trying to control her. I will also remind myself that I am in control of my feelings and thoughts when I do communicate with her.
Controlling my own actions/reactions were very hard for me at first. I would respond poorly to almost all interactions that W and I had. I was terribly passive aggressive. I have gotten much better with this over time. Things will still happen that will get to me but now my first thought is to not show emotion. PMA or if all else fails just fake it. I still fake it quite a bit. Hopefully as I continue to work on me, the faking it will become less and less.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
I was just looking at an article about detachment over at Livestrong.
I really think my problem has been that I had become so overly dependent on my wife. I felt incomplete without her. Obviously, if I am incomplete, then I need her. If I feel incomplete without her, I would naturally be very anxious about my situation and how things play out. That would lead me to either try to manipulate her into being with me, or to be overly affected by her decisions.
I am now working to prove to myself that I am complete without her. I believe that this will allow me to fully detach from her. By "detach", I do not mean giving up on our marriage, or building a wall between us. What I mean is fully functioning without anything gained from her.
If I "need" my wife, then I don't have anything that I can give her. She gives to me. Continually. If I am complete and whole by myself, then I have a source in myself from which I can give.
I was just looking at an article about detachment over at Livestrong.
I really think my problem has been that I had become so overly dependent on my wife. I felt incomplete without her. Obviously, if I am incomplete, then I need her. If I feel incomplete without her, I would naturally be very anxious about my situation and how things play out. That would lead me to either try to manipulate her into being with me, or to be overly affected by her decisions.
I am now working to prove to myself that I am complete without her. I believe that this will allow me to fully detach from her. By "detach", I do not mean giving up on our marriage, or building a wall between us. What I mean is fully functioning without anything gained from her.
If I "need" my wife, then I don't have anything that I can give her. She gives to me. Continually. If I am complete and whole by myself, then I have a source in myself from which I can give.
Wow PF that is good. I need to print your post!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
you mentioned at first, on Monday, that your coach told you NOT to withdraw and then later the same day
you posted this:
I've read about some of you going silent for months. I'm thinking of going silent except to respond to her contact for the remaining 9 days of my trip. Yeah, I know! This is different for me. Figured I would "press to test".
When doing DR, how long were you guys implementing changes before changing things up again?
How long before we changed things up? You have not done a single course of action for 90 days...
I mean, if you could tell immediately that some behavior was hurting things, then change. If you are not sure then first make sure your change is clearly being made and then give it time for her to trust that it's real. THEN she can see how she feels about it.
I sense so many mixed signals coming from you I have to say, a man who is unsure of himself cannot be reassuring to a wife who needs to KNOW he's there for her...
Don't try to reassure her for 2 weeks and then when you are "away" from home and COULD be with an OW or doing something sneaky or weird or that she does not trust
THEN stop contacting her...how odd.
You're in the mode of "I must do...SOMETHING" and that's not a good place to be.
Trust your DB coach and do what they say until IF & when you know it's hurting things
and THEN you can make an adjustment.
What traits are you most working on?
Also, instead of making your posts ALL about what she says, or does or your fears...
please tell us ONE GAL thing you do this month.
Join something, go somewhere new or sign up for a class and BE DIFFERENT and less predictable.
Not in a way that feels threatening to her, but in a way that interests YOU and thereby helps you know who you are.
Good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
you mentioned at first, on Monday, that your coach told you NOT to withdraw and then later the same day
you posted this:
I've read about some of you going silent for months. I'm thinking of going silent except to respond to her contact for the remaining 9 days of my trip. Yeah, I know! This is different for me. Figured I would "press to test".
When doing DR, how long were you guys implementing changes before changing things up again?
How long before we changed things up? You have not done a single course of action for 90 days...
25, you are absolutely right. I haven't done anything consistently different for 90 days. I think I was afraid that if my wife felt I was there for her at all times I would be perceived as a "lap dog". I have a tendency to be a person of extremes. It's either all "on" or all "off". No modulation. This is something I need to work on. I am going to sit down and craft a game plan for my communication with her while I am on trips. A plan that shows her I am available when she needs me, but I am not smothering her.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I mean, if you could tell immediately that some behavior was hurting things, then change. If you are not sure then first make sure your change is clearly being made and then give it time for her to trust that it's real. THEN she can see how she feels about it.
I guess I haven't given anything enough time because of my impatience. I have backed off a lot on my communication with her already, but I think I have been expecting to see positive results too soon. This has caused me to think I should be backing off even more even though I haven't given her much time to respond.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I sense so many mixed signals coming from you I have to say, a man who is unsure of himself cannot be reassuring to a wife who needs to KNOW he's there for her...
I hear you! I need to have confidence in what my DB coach is telling me and in my ability to effectively carry out his advice. Without wavering.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Don't try to reassure her for 2 weeks and then when you are "away" from home and COULD be with an OW or doing something sneaky or weird or that she does not trust
THEN stop contacting her...how odd.
I guess I really never thought of it that way. I know I'm not out catting around when I'm out of town, but that doesn't mean that she believes the same. The lack of comm while I'm gone COULD make it seem like I've got another secret life I am living. Good point. Hearing less from me while I'm gone would fuel her insecurities about me. Especially if I essentially disappear when out of town.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You're in the mode of "I must do...SOMETHING" and that's not a good place to be.
I have been that way because I have been seeking a response from her.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Trust your DB coach and do what they say until IF & when you know it's hurting things
and THEN you can make an adjustment.
This reminds me of school! We learned in navigation, the easiest way to get lost is to keep changing your course in an effort to find the destination. We were told to stick to our calculations and re-calculate if necessary, then make an informed adjustment. But never chase different headings. I've been going nowhere because of this. Thanks for pointing it out!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
What traits are you most working on?
Also, instead of making your posts ALL about what she says, or does or your fears...
please tell us ONE GAL thing you do this month.
Join something, go somewhere new or sign up for a class and BE DIFFERENT and less predictable.
Not in a way that feels threatening to her, but in a way that interests YOU and thereby helps you know who you are.
One thing I am going to start working on immediately is proving to myself that I CAN enjoy life on my own.
Another thing I want to change in myself is my need to control. I know it is rooted in fear and this is something I want to get rid of.
I already have a date set for something new I want to try. I think it's gonna be very fun and I can enjoy it for the rest of my life, too. I'll use it as the basis of my new thread where I will concentrate on growth and change in myself instead of what my wife is or isn't doing. And if I fall back into that loop, please pull out the lumber!
25, I REALLY enjoy reading your posts. You are level headed, think logically and you seem to have a lot of street smarts. The knowledge you have gained thru your own life's challenges and the experience you have in your career field really help us all who are willing to listen. Thanks again for your advice!
