Was feeling strong most of the day today, but feeling anxious now. There seems to be more interest in the house in recent days. May have offer by weekend. Custody meeting tomorrow afternoon with both L's and W. No Eeyore, right Ruby? Focus on equal custody of kids, kids emotions and money and protecting myself is the advice I am getting. I can put on a front as good as anyone, but to be honest I am scared. I negotiate for a living, and have had many tough situations over almost 30 years, but this is the biggest, most challenging and most important of all on so many levels. My L told me that her L told him ' off the record ' that it came down to my suspiciousness of her and her behaviour after the A that she could not deal anymore. Maybe that speaks to RLA's feelings of being punished but in all honesty I believe that it was inadvertant and I was hurt and protecting my heart. Yes, I needed the reassurance that I was not getting. My problem was she would not deal with the A and wanted to sweep it under the carpet and still be private once we were piecing a year ago. Recipe for disaster I guess. What a shame that A's are. Fixable things become unfixable if both won't follow advice.....and yes to blame....mostly W not following advice on how to handle it and build trust.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Fixable things become unfixable if both won't follow advice.....and yes to blame....mostly W not following advice on how to handle it and build trust.
Are you owning up to your own faults here? Doesn't sound like.
It was similar for me after my W's first EA. I was always insecure, but now I justified my behavior to myself instead of changing it. I became more controlling, more suspicious. It drove my W further and further away. Sound familiar?
True, she didn't go out of her way to build trust, but I didn't do my part either. We never sat down and discussed it...not why it happened, nor how to rebuild our trust in each other. Yes, she had to learn to trust me too...trust that I wouldn't assume the worst, that I would listen to her without judgement, that I would love her without conditions.
Hi BD, Yes, I have owned up to many faults and I guess that is why I have resentment. I owned up to mine but not her. Can't force someone to. I tried to open the discussions like you are saying for months...she would not deal wit it. She demanded trust. We had several and specific scheduled app'ts in therapy to deal with it. The second we started she would 180 the topic. This went on for months and created more insecurity. I would also simply ask what her day looked like in the morning and she would get defensive, or ask her how her day was and she would get defensive. That drives anxiety. She complained that I never asked about her day and then when I did her reaction was not one that makes a betrayed spouse comfortable. That is the best I can describe it. Maybe my tone, maybe her interpretation. You mention that your W had more than one EA. Well, isn't that what we were worried about? Seems there is no accountability and we are blamed for infidelity. Yes, she interpreted controlling and suspicious which yes drove her further away. When you are in it though it is mostly unwittingly and without the benefit of what we know now. That said, I was was honest and she was not. It will be a long day tomorrow. I am scared....she lies well. But, that is what my lawyer is for.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Was a bad day. Could not agree on custody or financial terms. Court bound for custody. She lied, and lied, and lied the whole time. What should I have expected though. She has issues with the truth. Devastating day. Apparently her lawyer did not know some things about my W. was stunned about some things. Seems like she did not tell her L everything.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Unfortunately nothing for me today as it went into the evening. Did some quick take-out with d14 and chatted. So that was nice. She also hugged me tight. She sensed something I think. Tried to be cool. My family and friends have been reaching out to me. My sister has been a big support. I love her so much. She has been through the ringer herself and was beaten and abused for 10 years by her 1st H. She has been with this H for 13 years now and is very happy. She and my W were best friends. My sis is so angry and insulted that my W was seemingly spoiled and how she has acted now. That's what family is for right? By my side.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Went out with a lady tonight for dinner. Had such a nice time. Fun talk. Intellectual talk. Silly talk. Business talk. Deep talk and more fun talk. It was so nice. Such a change. Such a stimulation for my brain. Such a relief from the abuse.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I like it :), but watch yourself, especially since you are in the midst of the nasties. I now it was dinner with a friend, but would you put it beyond W at this point to drag that in the arena?
Probably sounds silly but I don't think you can be too above board right now....
No, I would not at all put it beyond her. We have now signed separation agreement and she has moved on and made it clear no reconciliation. So how stupid that I have to be worried about having a nice dinner with a very pretty, intelligent lady. Well educated, professional yet very down to earth. It was fun. I don't at all feel guilty but yes, there is some of that worry that is unfair. I have had so many compliments lately and been flirted with. The confidence is coming back, and X-W will try to tear that down. You are awesome Ruby....you are my rock.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
