TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
NLW, Ruby, Grace and Busting, thank you for your support. Love you all.
The meeting was really long and stressful. My face was on fire. Anyway, he said I should not accept my H's proposal. He said it'll be detrimental for my financial future.
There is one more step I can take, and that is to go to a Special Masters session at the court, where he'll realize it doesn't make sense to go to a trial. Still, it'll be a day in court and $1,000 more for the L (plus my H will have to retain the L he found.) Total court fees will be about $15,000 if we go to a trial. If we don't agree after seeing the special masters, then the process could take weeks if not months more, and goodbye to not appearing in court. Our whole lives will be scrutinized.
I don't know what to do. I've had ENOUGH!! I'm trying to align myself w peace and this is not peaceful at all. I am supposed to talk to my H tomorrow about another piece of the finances. Should I try to talk sense into him again? Last time he was practically a bully and said he would never agree to anything different from what he wanted.
I never thought this D could get any worse, but it's happening.
I could stop it by just taking what he offers and get it done.
What ever you do, don't let on how badly you want to avoid court. H will use it against you to get his way. Act "As If" you wouldn't mind it at all if it comes to that. I'm pretty sure a big part of him wants to avoid it too.
Be strong Tori, you can do this!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
^^ Agree^^. Since you are conflicted about this, it seems you should go ahead with Special Masters...let's look at this: A) You agree to take a bit of a bath financially, you are divorced, H is out of your life and you have less money B) You go to court, you are divorced, H is out of your life and you have money
Listen, when you make it big off your book, then you can go to H and say thanks Hon, for the support, but I don't need it anymore...
We have to look at what is really going on here with you and we have not found it yet.
I know you want it over and done,and it will be. You have had the patience to come this far..what is stopping you from going that little more and seeing wht happens?
We have to look at what is really going on here with you and we have not found it yet.
I know you want it over and done,and it will be. You have had the patience to come this far..what is stopping you from going that little more and seeing wht happens? [/quote]
Ruby, I think I'm afraid of: 1. The court system. The process could drag on forever. I want to move on completely. Don't want to spend hours a day working on this agreement/meeting with L's. 2. Having an adversarial R with my H. I know that when I talk to him and he starts sounding angry and aggressive, I immediately try to appease him and do what I can to reassure him and calm him down. In general, I don't like people being angry at me.
Also, going to court seems opposite to peace, which is my goal. I guess if I'm not treating fairly, court is the option, and I can always go to court with a peaceful attitude.
I will be honest with my H this afternoon and tell him how I feel about this. I already scheduled a meeting with my L for tomorrow. We'll see what happens.
FY, you are right about my H wanting to take advantage of my not wanting to go to court. He was always the best negotiator during our M, and would never give anything without expecting to receive a lot more...
Ok I like the go in with peace attitude....seems to be the best of both worlds. No one likes to have people angry at them, especially those we love. Your emotions are totally valid.
Court is only the opposite to peace if you let it be so and you've already built it into this scary anxiety inducing monster. You can always renegotiate if court does turn out to be totally detrimental to your well being, but you can't renegotiate not going and signing agreement with no courts. If that makes sense lol
whenever things seem to go awry in my sitch, they seem to end up being opportunities for me to grow in some way (i know, enough already)
i wonder if there is an opportunity here for you. that being said, i can think of several possibilities, but i believe that you best know who it is you want to be and how this moment can best serve that
thank you too for all your support tori (((((((((( ))))))))))))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Ruby, I get the idea. I don't want to sign something and then feel bad about it for years!
Grace, you've got a great point too. I am asking myself what I can learn from this experience. No answer yet except for how to do the financial calculations...
My H called in the AM and asked if we could talk then. We spoke for 1.5 hrs. I brought up the meeting I had with L #2 and what he had said, and how I didn't feel comfortable with what he requested. He actually listened. Then he said he wasn't willing to change what the L suggested to change bc he didn't feel financially protected if he did that. I suggested the mediator, and he seemed to like the idea. He said he would do the Special Masters but wasn't his first choice bc it would cost a total of 10 hours of lawyer time (5 per lawyer.) Then he said he didn't want to go to a trial bc we were very close to coming to an agreement and the expense was too much. So that was good. I thanked him for listening and told him I would let him know what I decided to do.
I found a mediator who seems to be good. I'll run the idea by my L tomorrow (have a meeting with him) and if he approves, I'll suggest it to my H.
The mediator idea sounds good. It feels ok when I think about it. Everything would happen outside of court, and it would be less expensive.
I had a twinge of sadness when I was on the phone w my H and he was trying to find a computer file that he titled "Tori." He was whispering the name as he tried to find the file, and his tone of voice brought back memories of the old H. So yeah, there is still some sadness in me.
