Stuck..how do I get out???

[SemperFi00]

Hi TnD, just caught up on your scenario.

Being relatively new and still trying to figure things out, I don't have much to offer other than support. You are getting great advice from some folks with more experience and it will work. Some days terribly difficult to implement though I certainly understand (and experience) that myself.

Keep chugging along - things will definitely improve! Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[tiredndrained]

Thanks misjjd...my goals...hmmm..I guess to try and not focus on my H so much and to find things to do with me and the kids that focuses on us. I volunteered for my S11 soccer travel team for some class a parent needs to take. Its at night so it will get me out of the house at least one night. Also, I'm trying to let him work through his own Sh--t without becoming involved. And, to get my finanical future settled so if I have to move or be on my own I can survive financially. Our home loan to save our mortgage actually went through. So, we won't be foreclosed on. I have to say that in an entire year, that is the only good thing that has happened.

He seems to be coming around a little but I don't focus on that either. No affection, not sleeping together. No real realationship. He talks about our family and future as if we will be together but we don't feel like a couple, only roommates.

He basically has been home this week. My S11 made a comment last night that he wonders if his father's gf broke up with him and that is why he is home and so cranky. I asked him why he thinks he has a gf and he said it is so obvious mom. He asked if I think he is right. He did get me thinking. Here I started thinking my H might just be coming around but my 11S seems to make more sense. He probably did just break up with the OW and that is the only reason he is home. He doesn't seem to enjoy being with his family anymore. It can't just be because he sudenly misses us. I guess I have to stick with the goals and focus less on him and his intentions and quirks and fix myself. AJ is right about the quirks. I can't make sense of them and I don't think I ever will.

[tiredndrained]

Thanks so much for everyone's support. It really does help to make me feel better. you can talk to friends and family but they really can't or don't understand. I truly appreciate everyone's time in responding to me and their concern for my well being!!!!

[tiredndrained]

Ok..spoke too soon..H freaked out on me tonight over nothing. Told me once again he can't stand me n he can't wait to move out. Said as soon as loan goes through he is gone. Started bc i saw he spending his free time on porn sites...he would never do that before. Back to my goals...i always get set back. Leaving will be good for me, right?

[MrBond]

What happened? Did you catch him looking at porn? If that's the case, then he was covering up his embarrasment. The next time he digs into you, stop him and tell him that you will not be spoken to in that manner.

[RockJC]

I am sorry you have to go through this. It really is awful. And, yes, I agree with you that:

//anything I've ever done to him compares to the all the pain he has caused.//

I do, however, see some of my feelings toward my W in your story. I don't think:

//it was impossible for me to break free to do so//

is true. It was possible. We all make choices in life and give things a priority in our life. The bottom line is that you gave everything you listed a higher priority than your husband. Do I give my kids a bath or spend time with my H? Do I work another shift or go out with my H? I have spent an entire marriage at the bottom of my wife's priority list. It is incredibly hurtful and damaging to a H's self esteem.

After years of my W treating me like this, I developed a bad attitude and my W walked away. Maybe your H just got tired of being at the bottom of the list. Just something to consider.

[tiredndrained]

Rockjc...i hear you..i really do....but i also think marriage and children are a shared priority. I worked full time and was practically the sole caretaker of the kids. If my H wanted attention...why couldn't he pitch in w things? Who is supposed to bath the kids or do homework w them? If i didn't should i have just ignored the children? If my partner wants someone to watch tv with him why not help w dinner..the dishes...the kids...anything??? My H came home plopped on the couch n left everything for me. I work full time as an administrator of a nursing home. Wouldn't u think i would absolutely love time at night to sit and relax.

[tiredndrained]

Mrbond...i saw the history in our computer...to be honest i don't care but if he put more time into finding a job then his sex life we wdiffereould be in a whole situation right now. Porn is just another stupid out of character thing for him. N btw..he was writing the people on the porn sites.

[MrBond]

In those cases, be sure you do not allow him to talk to you that way. Tell him that what he does is his business HOWEVER he doesn't have the right to talk to you in that manner.

[RockJC]

I think sometimes people want to go through life at a different pace. Maybe dinner could have been simplified, kids could skip baths, or the kids can do their own homework.

I am not saying that your H didn't have his own faults. Personally, I know that the more I helped out, the more time my W had to fill her life with more stuff. It didn't free up time for us. I still never made the list.

You ask //Should I just have ignored the children//? At some point, you do need to ignore the children and make your H the priority. It is about balance. Were you balanced? Or, were the children and work always given the priority?

I know personally, that I didn't have the right balance. I didn't make myself, or my W enough of a priority. Look were it got me.