Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[MrBond]

"I said no to renovation and selling. "

No, you said ... "on hold until I check with realtor if doing this increases the house value more than the cost of the renovation."
That is NOT a "NO".

"Me pushing into the master bedroom is probably going to make her resentful."

Again, mindreading. It's your home, you have a right to it. But you've lost your window of opportunity by backing down ... again.

"She said "buddy, I have suffered by your being gone so much, gallivanting carefree in California for your career". She felt strongly that I had, by being gone so often and long, cost her her career and a higher income (mine is 4x higher). There was resentment. "

Forget about the income. That's just blowing smoke. HOWEVER, the part about you being gone so much is a big issue. It comes down to the fact that she felt ABANDONED by you. Did the two of you ever talk about the job separation before you actually took the job? Were there times in the beginning of it that she complained about the separation or how she had to raise the children on her own? I don't think you've realized this abandonment physically and emotionally and her having to deal with the kids on her own.

"but I think doing so could have a price too, "the inconsiderate taker pushing me out, away from the kids"."

Stop mindreading. And stop making yourself sound so pathetic. The fact that you told her that you are lonely down there didn't help. Just make room for yourself upstairs and engage more with your family. You're not Harry Potter living under the stairs.

"180s could include:..."

What do you mean "COULD" include? Just do it. Something. Anything. The reason why she's pushing so hard for this is because you haven't changed yet. HOw long is it going to take for you to do so? Your timeline is getting shorter.

Maybe this is all just rationalization, but a retreat from my assertion seemed appropriate at the time."