So I guess I need help/clarity/direction here - once again I am in new ground in my situation. Not sure if I should be posting this here or in "piecing" - mostly because I am not 100% if I am piecing or not.
So XW is off this week for spring break. We have spent some quality time together (both here at the house and away) with our S. Today we took him to The Children's Museum and walked around downtown a little bit.
Later in the day she texted asking if it feels like we are forcing something. My response was no - that I honestly think we are trying to get used to being together again....I mean hell, it's almost been 2 years. She said my persona when we are together is different than when I write or e-mail.
I said very honestly that I am not sure if it was "ok" with her yet to show signs of affection. I certainly want to, but I guess I am/was waiting for the clear sign that it was ok. I asked her point blank (nicely, though) if holding her hand was alright with her...I told her that I wanted to but didn't want to push boundaries, make her feel uncomfortable or be rebuffed by her.
Her response was that just asking that question is making her wonder if we are forcing something....that things like that should come naturally. Whereas I DO agree that those things do come naturally, I feel as though in our circumstances that it is not altogether out-of-the-ordinary to feel that awkwardness when "starting over".....I attempted to tell her as much.
How do I do this?
Do I just dive in and go? Do I play calm and slow? She said it felt like we were just being "friends".....and that was OK for co-parenting. I so badly want to tell her that I am coming off of 18 months of living with the knowledge that she DIDN'T want me near her....DIDN'T want any kind of affection from me...that she wanted to be away from me and on her own. Some of that sunk in and changed my behavior. How could it not? I mean....it got kind of ugly during the D process. I am not playing the "whoa-is-me" card - at all, just saying that I have some marks left on me....along with some fears. How can I tell her that I need her support in getting beyond them without sounding like a victim or making her feel guilty? Part of me wants to say that I just need a little affection first....but I know that it doesn't work that way.
In a sense (and I know this is wrong) I want to say that you took the MAJOR steps to walk away....take a few minor ones to walk back. And, honestly, perhaps that is what she has been doing in her own way....I guess I just want a hug and even a peck on the cheek....unsolicited.
She said that she fears that we will go back to a spot where there is no passion or affection in our relationship...so I totally get where she is coming from. But at the same time I am afraid to show it because I partially fear that she doesn't want it from me and I just don't want to get smacked down.
I don't think you can have a fast zero to 60 time in our circumstance. How could it be possible after the things that transpired? I told her that I DO want to hold her hand...I DO want affection. I think she understands.
Am I getting in my own way? Am I being an unreasonable coward for not plunging right in? I want to!
