25yearsmlc

[25yearsmlc]

Yes Mach I think that is a part of it.

He knew what was going on at the time and was furious at h. And he said "dad, you're being selfish." To no avail.

In Son's eyes, his father is simply MORE gone now than he was when son lived here b/c of h's long hours back then. (FTR when we married, h was not an MD student. He was a veterinary student and I married him HAPPY that he was not a physician b/c "they don't have time for their families". H went to med school later, and I did say yes. In fairness, neither of us knew what we were getting into OR that our son would come along 8 weeks before h began med school and I was in my last year of law school. ALL of which is to say, things happened that changed our plans...like LIFE.)

Now h is gone days at a time and though there are financial arguments in favor of h's choice, they're getting a little harder to defend.

(To keep it simple let me say that at first, taking a pay cut in exchange for a pension made sense. I'm NOT referring to the military, but to his taking the fed job. But after 2-3 years the paycut would have made up for the pension b/c YES the paycut was a 6 figure pay cut. And meanwhile we suffer AND then he gets deployed and that cuts his fed pay MORE?? Geez, ream us some more please... AND the time from home -weekdays there and weekends here-was supposed to be 6 months. Now it's nearly 3 YEARS...wtf?

So to son, and to ME now, it's just more of the same.)

The financial arguments are weaker but I can see h's reasoning of having invested so much time/money into a pension he won't want to give it up now. AND HE IS applying for one here in town, and this city is huge compared to where he is now. Frankly I can't understand why there have not been more openings for him here.

I think h wants to be home, but not nearly as much as he needs to want it...his sense of urgency is recent b/c he gets that I'm NOT happy with this. On low reserves.


The kids picked up on it earlier in part b/c they never knew the math of it but they get the gist. To them He's gone for some money reason and that's the same argument he used for Alaska,

although I know he had an obsession based more on lifestyle and the "last frontier" and my DB coach said h's vision of Alaska was of immortality. Kinda true. H was going to turn 50 then, and when he spoke of it there, versus when I did, there were very different versions.

He thought it was so "brisk" (not deathly cold) and "such starry nights" (not dark for 20 hours a day)....he LOVED it and none of us did but him. We tried and we did "when in Rome" and I'll always be a little proud of having made it through there, for 4 winters...and GAL like a maniac.

But frankly, as I look back I realize that the only time I had ever said no to one of h's dreams/tasks, the Alaskan move back, was the one. He never really grasped, or admitted grasping the ENORMOUS impact his choices had on others. He got a "no" and couldn't believe it. H would not drop it or adapt to the fact that his wife/kids did not want to live there. It devastated me to realize my/our wants were not significant enough to just drop it. To h, he thought I was being irrational. That I had brainwashed the kids (Son said "yeah b/c we never noticed the cold or dark. Mom made us notice it.")

The kids seem to really resent that he doesn't acknowledge the impact. I don't blame them. I think he'll need to do a sack/ashes apology but I cannot make him do it.

The kids and I went to the T yesterday and no one died!

I left after 3 minutes so I can't say what they said b/c I don't know.

But all the kids went and d15 said the T "didn't suck" and the older d said he "moved things along" and son said "he's a good guy, good enough."

They were upbeat and funny and affectionate to me. The older ones said something like "good try Mom. We applaud your motherly concerns" which was teasing and funny but if I read into it, it's a little sad. So I won't read into it.

The only thing the T said while I was there was "your mom is in a tough spot so maybe WE can figure out a way for HER to extricated herself from your R issues with your dad."

He also asked if any of my kids had been to T and my son said he had...(wth?)

All in all, I felt good about it, but a little sad.

But I'll know more about it all after I see T myself. Not that he'll tell me what THEY said but he'll have recommendations for me.

And I do want to just pass this baton off...I feel like I am very affected by h's r's with the kids (which used to be a positive. He'd get down on the floor and do tea parties with d when she was 6 and I found that so boring. But h was a great dad when they were little and he was home...he was nurtured by their love and they thought he was a hoot...so sad to see how they feel now.

There IS still love. I see it in all of them.

But there's an awkardness that comes from chronic type of emotional pain I think...it's fear and resentment and so much unsaid...