okay...so 5 LL...My H's physical touch...how do I show him this? Do I try to touch him, we have not touched since BD and he would not hug me back...I have mentioned at times i want to hug him to which he says nothing...
Do I just start giving him hugs goodbye?
He probably isn't ready for that (which he seems to confirm by not responding to your question). PT is the hardest PLL to address while also DB'ing, but if you're going to try to show PT then do it in non-sexual ways like a touch on the arm or shoulder. I used to think that even that was too much pursuit, but I've since seen this recommended by DB coaches.
AS-I've had the same idea, just general benign touches. My H is coming over next Monday to finish tax talk etc and thought I could employ this then. I have to get a ladder to climb over my pride in this regard...
But, from a male perspective, do you think it comes off as too forward, awkwardly flirtatious or desperate?
He probably isn't ready for that (which he seems to confirm by not responding to your question). PT is the hardest PLL to address while also DB'ing, but if you're going to try to show PT then do it in non-sexual ways like a touch on the arm or shoulder. I used to think that even that was too much pursuit, but I've since seen this recommended by DB coaches.
I agree. I hug him every time he comes by and he actually hugs me back. Sometimes he hugs me longer when I'm ready to pull away because I start welling up. BUT early on I couldn't touch him and I was so scared around him all the time. My coach did suggest I'd do something little more drastic to get over the fear. He told me to take out a little step stool, get on it and give him a hug or kiss when he did something nice. This advice was given to me while my H was still living here. I just could not do it but few days later I asked my H to teach me how to use a tool I’d never used before and on his way out to his friends’ house, I gave him a hug and he hugged me back. I also started giving him a kiss on his forehead just about the time he was falling asleep.
It was still awkward but then his grandpa passed away a month later or so and we actually got closer because of the support I’d given him. I hugged him many times during the hard time to give him comfort. One time I even noticed he kissed me on my head while hugging him. After this event, hugging him came really natural to me. This is around the time I noticed he was hugging me back really tight every time I initiated. So based on my experiences, I would suggest you ask your H to do something really small (picking up kids etc) and give him a hug with a genuine Thank you and see how he reacts.
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
Had session with Laurie today...DB coaching, first time...went well good to have the feedback and know things are going okay for now...
As for touching she encouraged just starting off little with a touch of the arm or hard etc., small at first and go from there and make the timing right...she said it was like getting to know a new person once again...like you would start off slow...so weird to think my marriage is at this point right now...
Now supports I have a big task and will be putting myself out here pretty huge...
I spoke with Laurie about writing an apology letter...my goals of the letter are to say I am sorry, not offer and explanation of my actions and to talk about H and his needs not about me. The letter is long, and I need feedback, I am not discussing the D word. I just wanted H to know I have thought about somethings and feel I am responsible. I have no expectations of the letter and would not mind if H replied or not...just something I want him to know, not in an attempt to change his mind but in giving him some love in the form of an apology.
I will post it later when my son goes to bed, to long to try to do now...will you please give feedback...be nice...I plan to speak with IC tomorrow about it too..planning to give to H Sat night at the house.
I didn't have the courage to post my 'ah ha letter' here. I think timing has a lot to do with it. Wait to deliver until you know he is at most receptive. I waited until after daughter's big concert where I could tell he was feeling kinda guilty. But anyways, just remember that the letter is for YOU not him. And not to win him back. I was terrified but as time goes on feel really good about the raw feelings I expressed (big for me). It's very freeing and I feel like a better person for doing it because i learned and accepted so much about myself in the process.
One thing I didn't include in my letter and wish I had - ask for forgiveness. It's in another book I'm reading, Desperate Marriages by Gary Chapman. My letter read was full of apologies for my feelings or behavior but I didn't ask for forgiveness and when you extent the invitation to forgive, it gives the receiver a choice to soften their heart to you or not. Very empowering and I wish I'd included a 'hope you'll be able to forgive me at some point'.
Great advice...I had not included to ask for forgiveness that it might be too pushy, had not read that book yet. I plan to read it to my IC today and get her feedback...ended up not posting it last night because I read some of the 5 languauges of apology....trying to figure out his, I know he spoke of his parents not coming to our wedding and said there are no excuses good enough for what they did...making sure my letter has no excuses or explanations at this time.
So he said I can say what I want to say to him on Saturday...I don't want to say anything...he is coming across mad and angry not a good time to have any talk...we can discuss Montana and the trip but I think this is not a good week...
He has worked a lot of hours, he sent me a message that he had to transfer money to checking...car payment and oil went through...I told him my unemployment check will be in next week.
So I will discuss Montana and feel out about whether or not to give him the letter.
This might be what he is waiting for and it might not be...this is not my soft loving H, this is the man who has been treated badly for years and never got an apology so far looking at it I have not said I was wrong and I was sorry and if I did I am sure it had an explanation or reason behind it.
AS-I've had the same idea, just general benign touches. My H is coming over next Monday to finish tax talk etc and thought I could employ this then. I have to get a ladder to climb over my pride in this regard...
But, from a male perspective, do you think it comes off as too forward, awkwardly flirtatious or desperate?
I think just a touch on the arm or shoulder is fine, a hug is kind of borderline and a kiss would be too much. I pushed the hugging with my W too much too early and as I've mentioned in other threads, her response was to pat my back over and over in a way that said "let me go!" LOL! I finally got the hint and just quit hugging her. It took months, but she finally started initiating hugs herself and they're the old pre-BD type personal hugs, not the pat-on-the-back hugs. She's also kissing me on the lips and even scratched my back a week ago. It's all about the baby steps!
I spoke with Laurie about writing an apology letter...my goals of the letter are to say I am sorry, not offer and explanation of my actions and to talk about H and his needs not about me. The letter is long, and I need feedback, I am not discussing the D word. I just wanted H to know I have thought about somethings and feel I am responsible. I have no expectations of the letter and would not mind if H replied or not...just something I want him to know, not in an attempt to change his mind but in giving him some love in the form of an apology.
OK. Well many have written such letters and I have not heard of one single person getting an acknowledgement of the letter, much less any kind of response. I'm not saying not to give it to him, but don't expect it to change anything and don't expect him to ever say a word to you about it, he probably won't.
In the past whenever people mentioned letters here the advice was to write it but not send it. It's a way of getting things off your chest like journaling. But the DB coaches seem to be recommending sending them now, so I would go with what your coach tells you. We're people that have been (or are) in your shoes, but the coaches are the experts.
