Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[LuckyLuke]

What is amazing is how W can look at the positive in D: she points out that I can make a new me in a new place, find new people. I rather like the current place and current people...

Just got confirmation from the EE coordinator that I can talk to an EE person in the UK. If EE is as deep as I suspect and hope it is, wow.

L

[Intact]

Oh I'm in the uk - didn't realise we can speak to them over here...

[makingmagic]

Yeah... I don't get it either. Sure, there were problems in the M that needed to be worked out, but not to this extreme. I was quite content with my little world, same people.

As for EE, that sounds GREAT! Good luck.

[LuckyLuke]

Hi Intact,

I contacted the EE coordinator, who is generously setting up a call with a fellow in the UK -

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Hola WfM,

Signature is under my stuff, edit profile.

L

[MrBond]

"o Me sleeping upstairs: denied. She was most emotional here, pointing out how much work she had personally done on the house and how much I am gone (30% of my time is abroad, "gallivanting" in her words), and how resentful she is of my higher income. I felt rather ashamed and yielded on this point."

We mentioned this before. Why on earth would you ask for her "permission"? The home belongs to both of you and you allowed AGAIN her to talk down to you. I mean c'mon, she's "resentful" of your higher income? You should have told her that it came at the expense of your M and that money isn't everything. Don't EVER feel ashamed. She bullied you into thinking like that. Don't ever be ashamed of your hard work. Stand up for yourself!

"o family vacation - on hold for the moment, pending more information on possible job for S."

This doesn't make sense. Did you want the vacation or not? If you do, then you just plan it. Stop asking and/or waiting for her approval on things.

"Staying with MIL in future - she thought this would be no problem as she and her mom do not get along, that even though we would be divorced my MIL could get back at W by still letting me stay there (I stay there when working in the US)."

Let it go. You don't need her 'permission'!

She's your W not your mother.

"She repeatedly mentioned D, as if it were a coming reality,"

It doesn't need to be. AGAIN you let her take control of the conversation even though you were the one who wanted to address things. What happened to that list of things you were going to go in with? You allowed her to shoot down everything you wanted to talk about.

"Not sure where to go from here."

Stop taking sh@t from her.

[LuckyLuke]

Mr. Bond,

I disagree. We did address things. I said no to renovation and selling.

Me pushing into the master bedroom is probably going to make her resentful. She said that she really couldn't stand being in the same room with me, that I did not have to come to MIL birthday party.

I said that she could sleep downstairs instead of me, why should I suffer and be lonely down there? She said "buddy, I have suffered by your being gone so much, gallivanting carefree in California for your career". She felt strongly that I had, by being gone so often and long, cost her her career and a higher income (mine is 4x higher). There was resentment.

Perhaps I could assert my testicular right to be upstairs, but I think doing so could have a price too, "the inconsiderate taker pushing me out, away from the kids".

Maybe this is all just rationalization, but a retreat from my assertion seemed appropriate at the time.

L

[LuckyLuke]

180s are what interest me now, and finding,as Cunningham suggests, what has been lost. EE is a big variable, maybe the first time I let so many people - friends? - into my inner sphere.

180s could include:

o stop the boring behavior - identify and replace with something better
o be adventurous (e.g. W gave me membership in local long distance trail club a few years ago, of which I never much availed myself; do weekend bike trips)
o people, via EE, also including inviting them over
o quashing any seeking permission behavior
o suggestions?

L

[MrBond]

"I said no to renovation and selling. "

No, you said ... "on hold until I check with realtor if doing this increases the house value more than the cost of the renovation."
That is NOT a "NO".

"Me pushing into the master bedroom is probably going to make her resentful."

Again, mindreading. It's your home, you have a right to it. But you've lost your window of opportunity by backing down ... again.

"She said "buddy, I have suffered by your being gone so much, gallivanting carefree in California for your career". She felt strongly that I had, by being gone so often and long, cost her her career and a higher income (mine is 4x higher). There was resentment. "

Forget about the income. That's just blowing smoke. HOWEVER, the part about you being gone so much is a big issue. It comes down to the fact that she felt ABANDONED by you. Did the two of you ever talk about the job separation before you actually took the job? Were there times in the beginning of it that she complained about the separation or how she had to raise the children on her own? I don't think you've realized this abandonment physically and emotionally and her having to deal with the kids on her own.

"but I think doing so could have a price too, "the inconsiderate taker pushing me out, away from the kids"."

Stop mindreading. And stop making yourself sound so pathetic. The fact that you told her that you are lonely down there didn't help. Just make room for yourself upstairs and engage more with your family. You're not Harry Potter living under the stairs.

"180s could include:..."

What do you mean "COULD" include? Just do it. Something. Anything. The reason why she's pushing so hard for this is because you haven't changed yet. HOw long is it going to take for you to do so? Your timeline is getting shorter.

Maybe this is all just rationalization, but a retreat from my assertion seemed appropriate at the time."

[LuckyLuke]

Mr Bond,

Yes, she did complain about raising the kids alone and how she hated being stuck alone in California. I didn't realize the price that this has - you are right -

Not sure what this means now, though, 13 years later. There is still clearly resentment present here, and it is not helping.

Luke