AS, Before I decided to post my sitch I've been following a lot of threads that I thought were close to mine. You've given some great inspiration and advice to folks and I'm humbled to speak with you.
Thank you, that's very flattering
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Yes, I've read DR. It really helped me center my overflow of emotions. I am the guy who tries to come up with solutions and I've been working on my 180 for that.
A fellow fixer! LOL! That's been a big 180 for me too! When I think back about the many conversations I had with W over the years and how I should have been validating when instead I was fixing (or trying to), it just makes me shake my head. Boy do I wish I had learned these things 20 years ago.
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We went to a marriage counselor only for a week back in 2011 and it seemed to have helped. She was happier--told me so and that my assignment to the same continent made her more relaxed. Now, she says that 1-week of counseling was adequate for us "trying everything" to save our marriage. BS!
Yeah, that's just part of her rewriting of history. Nearly all WAS's engage in it to some extent. One of the DB tips is not to believe anything the WAS says and only half of what they do. That is one reason right there, they just don't remember things clearly while they're in the fog.
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I've been sacrificing for so long and I feel so betrayed. Yet she says I've betrayed her since I've made some bad decisions.
Can you expand on that, what are the bad decisions she's talking about? There may be opportunities for 180's there. And when she says things like that, your inclination is to say "I am the one that's been betrayed!!!" But don't. Fight that urge. Instead, show her compassion. Validate her emotions. Tell her you understand why she feels betrayed, ask her how it makes her feel and tell her you're sorry she feels that way and you're committed to making sure she doesn't feel that way again. She will probably be shocked that you express interest in her emotions, so you've got to keep doing it again and again before she'll start believing it's real.
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I've already seen that reasoning with her doesn't work and at this point I just want to keep my dignity in tact and GAL.
No, reasoning absolutely doesn't work. When you try and reason, you dismiss her feelings. You try and explain them away. It is the OPPOSITE of validation, and validation is what she needs right now. As far as dignity, validation does NOT take away your dignity. Validation is not agreeing or disagreeing, it is simply encouraging discussion of emotions and letting her know you value her emotions and want to hear about them.
