Still treading water

[jp787]

Hey, is this the living in the same home like friendly roommates club? If so, count me in!

PON is right, we can’t focus too much on our W’s. It doesn’t help the sitch or us one bit. Probably pushes them away too, because neediness is very unattractive.

Acting “As If” is good, but really being in a place of contentment and high self esteem is better. Our W’s know us like a book, and can tell the difference.

I’ll tell you a couple things that help me accept giving her space / detaching / not focusing on everything she’s doing.

First, doing this is giving our W’s the best chance of reconsidering a M with us. Remind yourself this every day, and focus on the big picture, the end goal, instead of how you’re feeling at the moment.

Next, what else are you going to do? Leave her? Live on your own? Start up a new relationship which offers absolutely no guarantee? If you’re like me, none of these things hold the slightest appeal, so here I stand, being the H only a fool would leave.

We have to be strong. KNOW without a doubt that we will be fine without her if it comes to that. When we truly get to this point, our W’s will notice, and we will become more attractive.

Now if someone can remind me this the next time I feel like throwing in the towel, I’d surely appreciate it!

I will add to NOT walk around on eggshells worrying about every little thing YOU do or say around W. I think back to a few of the things I did early in our sitch and think "wow, I sure looked weak for doing that." Be confident and strong. Be the man any women would love to be with. You can fake it 'til you make it, but you gotta make it!

Very nicely put!
Thank you for this!

[Verum]

Last thread was locked. Here it is:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...743#Post2330743

The "friendliness" has continued. She has been in our bed for the past several days. She will stay awake and watch TV in bed at night. Even prior to BD she would go to sleep early and not talk much.

Grizz, I'm in the same boat too. I think that in these situations where the WAW is friendly and making such overtures such as ML, touch, etc. , then detaching is more difficult.

Remember that sometimes you should NOT be available to her. For example, in my case I will no longer drop everything for my W. I will continue what I'm doing, or I'll end the conversation to go do something. Last night, she wsa reading on flying in bed and wanted to learn from me, but I was just going to go to sleep. In the past, a more needy me would have discussed with her.

So you need to balance not rejecting her friendly overtures while also BDing.

And I agree, my sitch is much better than many others here, but it is still awful.

[ThisDayForward]

The biggest mistake I made while separated from my W was being to available. I gave her no chance to miss me

[jp787]

The biggest mistake I made while separated from my W was being to available. I gave her no chance to miss me

I am doing this now, thank you for the post.

[Grizz]

FY, JP, PON, AS, SA thank you all.

Detaching is a bit(h when you are living together and sleeping together.

PON, I promise I am listening to you about not worrying about my W. I actually feel I have gotten better at this but obviously I have a long way to go. I am away from her 10 times more than prior to BD. I am giving her space. Just recently though she has been much happier and she wants to talk more. She totally initiated ML 2 nights ago. I was asleep when she came to bed. She changes clothes in front of me. She didnt do this for the longest time post BD. I still think my W is hotter than he//. It still gets me going to see her like that.

I say all of this just to try to point out what I am fighting against to try to detach.
I do try to avoid her changing clothes but at times we are talking when she starts to change and it would just be rude to walk out.

FY, you are correct. What else am I going to do? The other options do not appeal to me at all.

[makingmagic]

eesh Grizz, that must be a tough spot to be in. ((HUGS))

[AnotherStander]

The biggest mistake I made while separated from my W was being to available. I gave her no chance to miss me

I think this had a lot to do with my W coming in for the hugs again. When we got a car for D16, W no longer had to come to my house in the evenings to pick up the kids on her weeks (since D16 can just drive over there now), so we saw a LOT less of each other, typically just once or twice a week and even then only briefly. When the hugs stopped I really pulled back and detached and I did it for me. It felt like there was little if any hope for R and I needed to prepare myself for living life without her, and so I did. So it came as a surprise when SHE initiated the hugs. And when she did I made the mistake of reading too much into it which led to a temperature check which as you might predict didn't go like I thought it would. So I reset my expectations to zero, LOL! The hugs and kisses continue, but now I have no expectations about what it means. Pass the patience please

[ThisDayForward]

Grizz I understand.It isn't ez. In my sitch my W wanted no part of me. I think she actually wanted me to pursue her when she undressed. When I did I got the stiff arm. So I stopped. But I think she liked it.

Every sitch is different.

JP you should be going DIM. I know you can't go dark with kids

[makingmagic]

sorry to threadjack Grizz... but AS, can you explain the temperature checks that you would do, and how W would respond? (feel free to post your reply back on my thread) and what you wish you had done differently?

TX

[AnotherStander]

A "temperature check" is basically pressuring your spouse to tell you where they stand in regards to the M. Per DB'ing it's not advisable, but some of us do it anyway and it never results in the revelation we hope for. So don't do it What do I wish I had done differently- well I wish I had not had expectations that the hugs and W signing us up for RetroV meant that a turnaround was imminent. I've offered advice many times to others to be patient and not push things, I should have taken my own medicine No regrets, if it was a backslide it was a small one and it helped me to recognize that I needed to get back to DB'ing basics.