After lying there a few minutes tears started to come out of her eyes. I asked her "what's wrong?"
I just absolutely cringe whenever I read those words!!!! Don't EVER ask your W (or any woman) "what's wrong?" Why? Because you are implying that something is wrong with HER and she cannot reply without it sounding like she's confirming that there IS something wrong with her! That's why women almost always respond to this question with "nothing." It is the only safe answer that says "there's nothing wrong with ME." Instead, ask "what are you feeling right now?" You are inviting her to open up and share her feelings without implying that there is anything wrong with her crying/ being down/ etc.
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I listened, validated what she said, and I avoided trying to "fix" her problems.
Would love for you to type out the actual conversation as you remember it so we can critique whether you actually were validating or whether you were going about it improperly. The intent isn't to beat you down, but rather to correct you if you need it. I've seen many, many threads here where people say they validated their spouse and then they go on to describe things they told them that are anything but validation.
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To me, her sharing her feelings/emotions with me like this is a positive step since she feels safe talking to me.
It is absolutely positive, it is key to rebuilding trust in the R.
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she told me that she hoped our 3 girls and me didn't plan anything because she is going out with her friend (a 31-year old single alcoholic). I told her she had to tell the girls that she wouldn't be here.
Sounds like you were trying to punish her. You might have just discussed it with her instead- "W, the girls have really been looking forward to spending some bday time with you, tht's fine if you want to go out with your friend but could you possibly carve out some time for the girls either before or after that?"
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So here she is telling me she is depressed because she doesn't have any good friends that she can confide in, yet on her B-day she will be going out with this "friend" who she doesn't share anything with and go to bars drinking, acting like she is single.
Lots of bitterness and resentment here. It's fine if you're just venting, but remember to be compassionate towards your W. When she says she's depressed then encourage her to discuss her feelings more and validate them.
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I think I'll know our situation is really improved when she is willing to spend time with family instead.
Definitely. Keep that to yourself though, don't mention it to W.
