Yesterday, when I came home, my wife was already home and seemed sad and depressed. I was in a good mood (PMA) and started making pizza for dinner, having bought all the ingredients on the way home. The pizza was cooked and ready, and I was in bedroom reading something, and my wife came in and took my hand and lead me to the bed to lie on it and hug each other.
After lying there a few minutes tears started to come out of her eyes. I asked her "what's wrong?" and she was hesitant, I didn't push her, but she finally started to talk. She said she was lonely and had no real friends. We have moved here 18-months ago and she still didn't have friends and she was pathetic.
I listened, validated what she said, and I avoided trying to "fix" her problems.
To me, her sharing her feelings/emotions with me like this is a positive step since she feels safe talking to me.
On the other hand, I know I still have a long journey in front of me. The next day was her B-day, and she told me that she hoped our 3 girls and me didn't plan anything because she is going out with her friend (a 31-year old single alcoholic). I told her she had to tell the girls that she wouldn't be here.
So here she is telling me she is depressed because she doesn't have any good friends that she can confide in, yet on her B-day she will be going out with this "friend" who she doesn't share anything with and go to bars drinking, acting like she is single.
It is not something that I can understand. I think I'll know our situation is really improved when she is willing to spend time with family instead.
It is so hard to see your W upset and not try to help. I have been there. I am a fixer also and that is something I have really been working on.
Just some insight from my sitch about your W wanting to go out on her bday. My W says she wants to work on the weekends (she absolutely hates her job) because sitting at home is too depressing and sad and makes her anxious. Maybe it would just be too hard for her to sit home like a "family" given your current sitch.
But I can also see how it makes you feel that W at least doesn't want to be with the kids.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
My W not only didn't want to spend time with me, her relationship with our 3 girls has changed. She really does very little with them now. In the past few weeks, she's been willing to spend some time as a "family" so there is more interaction, but otherwise not much mothering going on.
My W seemingly avoided our girls too after BD. I can't count the number of things I have done with just my girls and W didn't want to participate. She has even had opportunities to do things with them without me and has chosen not to. I can't begin to think why she has been like this toward them except for.....
Caution!!!!! Mind reading coming up......... I think she is sooo sad and depressed over work, health, money which all led to BD that she just wants to be left alone. Everything is too stressful. That includes taking two young kids out to do anything. (Talking about my W here).
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
My W not only didn't want to spend time with me, her relationship with our 3 girls has changed. She really does very little with them now. In the past few weeks, she's been willing to spend some time as a "family" so there is more interaction, but otherwise not much mothering going on.
My W did the same thing from December 2011 thru May 2012. I had to start taking D13 to her restaurant during slow times to make sure they got to see each other.
This was all part of her 'I have to live for me' period. Was a $#%^ing nightmare...
It's gotten better over the last few months, but, she's still far off from where she was before.
After lying there a few minutes tears started to come out of her eyes. I asked her "what's wrong?"
I just absolutely cringe whenever I read those words!!!! Don't EVER ask your W (or any woman) "what's wrong?" Why? Because you are implying that something is wrong with HER and she cannot reply without it sounding like she's confirming that there IS something wrong with her! That's why women almost always respond to this question with "nothing." It is the only safe answer that says "there's nothing wrong with ME." Instead, ask "what are you feeling right now?" You are inviting her to open up and share her feelings without implying that there is anything wrong with her crying/ being down/ etc.
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I listened, validated what she said, and I avoided trying to "fix" her problems.
Would love for you to type out the actual conversation as you remember it so we can critique whether you actually were validating or whether you were going about it improperly. The intent isn't to beat you down, but rather to correct you if you need it. I've seen many, many threads here where people say they validated their spouse and then they go on to describe things they told them that are anything but validation.
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To me, her sharing her feelings/emotions with me like this is a positive step since she feels safe talking to me.
It is absolutely positive, it is key to rebuilding trust in the R.
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she told me that she hoped our 3 girls and me didn't plan anything because she is going out with her friend (a 31-year old single alcoholic). I told her she had to tell the girls that she wouldn't be here.
Sounds like you were trying to punish her. You might have just discussed it with her instead- "W, the girls have really been looking forward to spending some bday time with you, tht's fine if you want to go out with your friend but could you possibly carve out some time for the girls either before or after that?"
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So here she is telling me she is depressed because she doesn't have any good friends that she can confide in, yet on her B-day she will be going out with this "friend" who she doesn't share anything with and go to bars drinking, acting like she is single.
Lots of bitterness and resentment here. It's fine if you're just venting, but remember to be compassionate towards your W. When she says she's depressed then encourage her to discuss her feelings more and validate them.
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I think I'll know our situation is really improved when she is willing to spend time with family instead.
Definitely. Keep that to yourself though, don't mention it to W.
"I listened, validated what she said, and I avoided trying to "fix" her problems."
AS asked: ----------------------------- Would love for you to type out the actual conversation as you remember it so we can critique whether you actually were validating or whether you were going about it improperly. The intent isn't to beat you down, but rather to correct you if you need it. I've seen many, many threads here where people say they validated their spouse and then they go on to describe things they told them that are anything but validation. -----------------------------
OK, I'm terrible at remembering conversations. Essentially, she started out saying how she had no good friends, back where we used to live she could be herself, here she is guarded. She told me how at lunch with co-workers she had nothing to say to them.
I said almost nothing, except making noise such as "ah ha" "umm" to indicate I was listening to her.
When she said "I'm pathetic" -- I did say, "no, you're not pathetic"
I did give her some reassurances to the effect "it'll get better, and that it takes time to build friendships."
In truth, I said very little since there didn't seem like much that I could say.
I said previously, my wife's love language is gift-giving, something that I was terrible at. My DB coach encouraged me to give gifts. Today is her B-day, but instead of celebrating at home with me and 3 kids, she is going out to the gym and then to the bar(s) afterwards with friends (some male?).
My girls were really disappointed so I bought a cake this morning and left it at home telling them to celebrate when my wife comes home and before she leaves again. I had also bought wife a b-day gift (perfum).
Just got a text message, asking if I was going to be home. I replied, "why aren't you going out?" -- she replied, yes but wanted to know if I would be home before she left. I replied no. She then sent a text that in that case she'll have the cake with the girls because they are dying to eat it and then she wrote, "See you later. I won't be too long. Love you."
Hmmm ... first time I heard, or in this case, saw the words "love you" from her in a long time. I'm not too excited since she is still going out instead of celebrating with her family. But I'm starting to have greater faith in this 5LL concept. Not sure how I can keep gift-giving though under the circumstances. I'll need to think this through.
After lying there a few minutes tears started to come out of her eyes. I asked her "what's wrong?"
I just absolutely cringe whenever I read those words!!!! Don't EVER ask your W (or any woman) "what's wrong?" Why? Because you are implying that something is wrong with HER and she cannot reply without it sounding like she's confirming that there IS something wrong with her! That's why women almost always respond to this question with "nothing." It is the only safe answer that says "there's nothing wrong with ME." Instead, ask "what are you feeling right now?" You are inviting her to open up and share her feelings without implying that there is anything wrong with her crying/ being down/ etc.
AS thanks for this, I never knew and I always ask what is wrong...
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
