Thank you adinva, this is the slap I needed to get me out of the pool of self pity I was drowning in.
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I would like to suggest that you stop lying. Snooping, tape recording her, and lying about it is not making you look good or feel good.
I hate that I did spy on my W, and I resisted for so long, but I just had to know for certain.
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Helping OM move and pretending you're all friends, and telling W nothing is wrong are not working in your favor. You don't have to say anything, so you don't have to lie.
This is the part I'm having trouble understanding. If I don't lie to my W then what am I supposed to do? You say don't confront her about the affair and give her plenty of space. How do I tell her that I don't want to be around them together anymore and not lie to her for a reason? She is going to want to know why I don't want to do the same things we did in the past. For the past 2 years we have been doing everything together, vacations, weekend trips, birthdays, holidays, etc. I have to tell her something, don't I?
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Two is battling your hurt and anger with a healthy dose of self-examination. You took your marriage for granted and let it slide into disrepair, and when that happens spouses stray. If you're not ready yet to have a conversation with W apologizing for letting her down, then at least start getting to work finding out what you should have and could have been doing different to maintain your relationship. Read DR, and maybe the 5 Love Languages. Get out of victim mode, and recognize that you've just had the most effective and most horrible wake-up call possible for personal growth.
I have orderd DB and DR and will work hard on implementing the advice in the books. Also, I have been denying the fact that I am depressed and will seek help to remedy it. I think that has been a big factor in my W looking elsewhere for more than I was giving her.
