Not confused anymore...just anxious and emotional

[greatwhitenorth]

Although you didn't do it, writing your feelings in a letter but not sending it might be a good idea. I wrote letters on the back of our wedding photos and then burned them. Extreme yes, but I have the digital copies in case I want to look at them. It really helped me to let it all go to the universe for resolution. Detaching takes time...you really have to fake it til you make it.

[Portia]

Hey B,

I have been away for a few days.

You wrote on my thread that we have very similar emotions and feelings about all this. So agree! It was that very reason that I was drawn to your thread because I could "hear" me.

I know exactly what you mean when you say - good or bad - you want some certainty. I feel that. I feel like I am the mouse the cat is playing with and I do not want that anymore.

And I do know that some of the MLCers admit to guilt, but I am not truly convinced either. Once bitten, twice shy and saying that just seems a convenient excuse to me - like this whole MLC business. But that is just venting...

B, here is a lession I have learned that maybe can help you. This really is the rollercoaster Snodderly said it is. The trick is not to let emotions overwhelm you before making a decision. Whether your decision or plan of action is to go dimmer, dark or to divorce - make it at a time when you have had some time to weigh the pros and cons.

Wishing you well...

[BRNR]

I will comment on what everyone one has said, but I was taking time to really digest evrything and get my mind right...more on that when I am ready...

I just have to say...detaching is hard when the MLC spouses do things that you think are odd...

My H today stopped by my job to drop off a paper I needed for taxes. This has sent me through a loop, as we have more than enough external contact daily when he comes to get the kids...my head is just spinning right now...he barely ever stopped by my office before, and I would think that would be the last place he would want to visit....strange, and I can't help wonder what that was all about...

[job]

Detaching is hard, just as over analyzing their every move and/or comment.

My take on your visit is that he's still miffed about the Tuesday boundary...keep in mind...today is Tuesday and he didn't want to interfere w/your time w/the children this evening. Also, when they act out, sometimes they will put on their business personna and you may have gotten that today. Maybe coming to the office would keep any conversations that you would have had w/him to a minimum or it could have been spur of the moment. See? There are just too many scenarios that can play out w/their actions. The best thing you can do is thank him for the paperwork and let it go. Whatever was bugging him, he got it out of his system.

[BRNR]

Yeah, your right Snodderly. Too many scenarios... I did thank him, and moved on.

I tend to over analyze everything...I need to start doing a 180 on that.

So, regarding all the post I received yesterday and today. Thank you everyone, I needed a swift kick in the butt...I am sure I seem like one crazy nut.

I am of the mindset that one wrong move, and H will run. That is why I post so much of what happens on the regular.

Why can't I detach properly?

Keep the kick in the butts coming...I so need them right now...

[sunshinelewis]

You know what I have learned? NOT to take everything personally.
My ex h and others have done things that I use to take personally BUT not anymore. Anything they do or any decision they make is theirs. It's not necessarily something I have done to cause it

I agree with Snodderly. We tend to analyze every little thing.
Please try to stop doing this, it will drive you crazy.
You will never figure out the why's.

Hugs,
Renee

[BRNR]

You know what I have learned? NOT to take everything personally.

I admit, I am one to take everything personally, but only when it comes from people I am close with...like H. Normally, I get over things fairly quickly and don't react. I guess because of my love for H, I find it difficult to practice with him.

So, the past couple of days, I have taken the time to absorb the things that have been said to me. I have re-read all my threads, and re-read my personal journaling from the very beginning days...

I am feeling like my time has come to the end with H. I know everyone has said to not make decisions when emotional, and also they have said that a person will know when they are done. I am not doing anything with these new feelings just yet, I am going to give it time to see how long they stay...

Man, when reading all the stuff I have written regarding the sitch, I have seen how far I have come in the sitch and as a person. Part of me wishes H could see that, part of me doesn't care. I am the prize, he knew that once, and I am sure that one day he will look back and so "Oh Sh*&, what did I do" and realize it again. That day is no where in the near future...

So, new problem I am tackling...my estranged father of 15+ years contacted me in January through Facebook. I ignored him then, mostly because I had enough problems on my plate that I didn't want to add anymore drama. Well he contacted me yesterday again. He was very angry in his writing, making accusations of my mother having affairs when they were married and other claims. I was hurt and angry when I read it...so I slept on it and this morning I responded very simply..."If you want to talk, lets talk, call me on Saturday". I will hear him out...use some of the skills I learned from DBing.

I am driving myself crazy...I was told this by my friend who has been checking in with me regarding my H. He is such a good guy, and because he went through his own sitch 4 years ago with his Wife (they are back together, and have been happy for the past 3 years) keeps my head level for the most part. I tend to text him before I do anything stupid, and he actually puts me on the same course you guys have...He even tells me to stop worrying about the divorce, because of his opinion that from what he knows about H (we all go way back to the 90's) he doesn't think that my H wants the divorce and just needs some time to overcome that he has hurt me by the affair.

While I do realize how far I have come, I know that I need to still go a lot farther...I am working on this...

[AJM]

You are driving yourself crazy. But you know that
The good news is that you have the key. But you knew that too

I am feeling like my time has come to the end with H.

Can I make a suggestion? If you're "done" then is it going to hurt to wait a month before telling him? Instead just act as if you are "done"? By that I mean, act, think, be "done" but that's not to say go running out into a new dating scene or world trip type of thing. Just a month to be you?

I'm sorry to hear about the estranged father scenario and happy at the same time. For all I know, your mom did cheat on him. What's that got to do with your relationship? Or is that why you haven't talked to him in so many years?

Peace,
AJ

[BRNR]

Can I make a suggestion? If you're "done" then is it going to hurt to wait a month before telling him?

I thought I did say I wasn't going to do anything until I let these feelings sink in for a while...if I didn't I meant to...

I'm sorry to hear about the estranged father scenario and happy at the same time. For all I know, your mom did cheat on him. What's that got to do with your relationship? Or is that why you haven't talked to him in so many years?

My thoughts exactly, what does one have to do with another. Did she? I don't know. The reason I have not talked to him is because he disappeared. He is now "blaming" my mother for this, but when he left all those years ago he went to Florida...while we were in New Jersey... He reached out once again about twelve years ago, then vanished again.

[BRNR]

Oh AJ, and I meant to ask...why are you "happy at the same time?" about my estranged father sitch?