I think that I always came first in the relationship, I put my needs ahead of H's and he suffered because of it. Yes I have read 5 LL's and do feel I never fully understood or addressed his needs and now see how much the intimacy affected the relationship...I mean the lack of...this was an ongoing discussion over the years and I fully never addressed it, did not know how, and did not give it the attention it needed. I thought is was not that important to me and ignored how important it was to H because I did not know how to give it to him the ways he wanted.
I would love to apologize to him about not giving him the love he deserved over the years, it was not that I did not want to it was that I did not know how to and then pushed it aside because I did not want to admit that I was not right and needed help, that I was not as perfect as I thought I was.
H has a lot of history in his past that effects our future and present in feelings of rejection from his family, I knew this but could never fix it for him. I knew he loved me unconditionally but I don't think he knew that or felt that from me, if I did not give him the physical love he felt then no other love language I gave him worked...he wanted this first and I was not willing to provide it for my own selfish reasons and issues at the time.
It is just so hard as I want to say these things to him, but he is not willing to hear them, he is so mad and angry and frustrated and hates that I put him in a position that he had to tell me he was unhappy with his life, had to leave his marriage and child behind to find happiness that he thought he should have had right here with me and his son.
Yes I am taking a lot of the burden at this time, also the burden that I can only change myself and out of love for H I need to give him space and time to heal and hopefully get to a point to talk to me about our relationship.
I know we would all love the chance to try again, but it does not make it easy when the other person tells you it is too late, as much as I try to rationalize that he is hurting and has hurt for a long time it does not make my pain go away.
Only thing I can do at this time is try to change for myself, my child and show H the love I can by letting him go and find himself so that he might be willing to try to find his way back to me someday/
