good question (as always) val. i will have to think about that one. maybe i think that if i can forgive, i will not feel any more pain...
That makes sense - I think there will always be that pain - even if a little sting. But I will challenge you by saying that shouldn't be a reason to forgive... plus I know it doesn't really work anyway.
For ME, the pain subsiding is what opening up more avenues for the forgiveness to happen.
Originally Posted By: needgrace
i think too, it is who i want to be in the world and i want to get there NOW... maybe i also need to work on patience, lol.
Oh boy - do I feel ya there... but remember it's the journey that matters.
When you think of any achievement - do you cherish crossing the finish line? or all the steps that go you there?
Take time to cherish the steps!
((( )))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
When you think of any achievement - do you cherish crossing the finish line? or all the steps that go you there?
Take time to cherish the steps!
((( )))
Thanks Val for the reminder, I tend to be a focus on the finish line person and am working on enjoying the steps there
i had a bit of insight today listening to tara... she talks about how the pain is like being hit by an arrow... and we can choose to sit with the pain or throw another arrow... at ourselves or at another.. i have done plenty of that as a way to avoid pain, either beat myself up or had thoughts of anger with X and OW. my goal right now is just to sit with the hurt.. it happens much less often, lasts much less longer and is much less intense.
patience with the healing process and sitting with the hurt without throwing arrows... that is my work now.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Good insight, NG. Even tho sometimes it feels like it'll kill us it won't.
Casting the hurt aside an pasting on a smiley face only helps to a certain extent.
Like Scarlett, "I'll think about that tomorrow" but by the time you get to tomorrow there's so much hurt you just can't deal with it.
Last week I woke up early in the morning and started thinking about past times, good times and was very sad but I kept telling myself, "I'm NOT going to cry" resist, resist, resist.
But then I decided I would just surrender to the feelings and so I did. And I did cry and it last about 3 minutes and then I was done.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
When you think of any achievement - do you cherish crossing the finish line? or all the steps that go you there?
Take time to cherish the steps!
((( )))
Thanks Val for the reminder, I tend to be a focus on the finish line person and am working on enjoying the steps there
i had a bit of insight today listening to tara... she talks about how the pain is like being hit by an arrow... and we can choose to sit with the pain or throw another arrow... at ourselves or at another.. i have done plenty of that as a way to avoid pain, either beat myself up or had thoughts of anger with X and OW. my goal right now is just to sit with the hurt.. it happens much less often, lasts much less longer and is much less intense.
patience with the healing process and sitting with the hurt without throwing arrows... that is my work now.
Stupid patience
Healing is a process, but like you I remind myself how each time I just feel it, it lasts less and is less intense. I still don't like it, though :stomps foot:
Forgiveness. Honestly, before I can truly forgive my H, I need to forgive myself. I'm really too hard on me sometimes.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
I too, throw arrows....but I have stopped, for the most part. The pain is like poking a cut or a bruise...yep, with a sense of wonder you say, still hurts. But then then one day, it still hurts but not so much, and then gone. But the weird thing is like muscle memory, I think we have pain memory and a song or conversation, thought, movie, sidelong glance, can make it hurt very easily again.
So, in that, I agree with Bug. You embrace, but don't wallow and it becomes a part of you. Not the dominant part, not the everyday part, but a part you can live with, should it surface
Forgiveness is another story, lol. Somedays I am mad, oh boy am I mad!!! But mostly I am okay and okay with the days I am swearing at him for leaving me and not having the guts to try and not seeing his kids as much as he should and finding someone else, and on and on...but then that is done too. So maybe I live with that little anger memory once in a while too?
NG I suspected it was about not wanting to feel the pain anymore. I relate to that too. Time time and more time. I want to sometimes push through faster and I realise I simply cannot if I am gonna be true to myself. If I am truly going to get all that I can out of this unplanned journey.
I am in Cairo now visiting my parents and I was so uncomfortable when I arrived at the airport -- memories of H came crashing to me... Times we use to travel together (when we still lived in Egypt) all the places we used to got to in Cairo the memories we had, the dreams we created, the hope we had. I felt like Sudan was an emotional prison.
Anyway, my point is that I tried to just ignore those feelings. That lasted 12 hours and I was edgy , introverted and tense. The next morning I let it out. I cried and cried and allowed myself to experience what I was feeling. It felt good to release and admit to myself that I was sad. And as fast and as hard as it came... It went as well.
I guess I am just trying to say that I get you. It's tiring sometimes pushing forward and being patient. I want to get to a place where this is all behind me. Every time I try and force it though I feel the path gets longer.
Love you NG xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Grace, you've been given the best advice. Be kind to yourself and let the feelings be. They'll go away as you find the path to your true self. Big, big hug. PS. Thank you for always being there for me!
bug, i read recently that a feeling only lasts 90 seconds without some thought to prolong it. interesting finding, isn't it? it feels that way for me lately that i can get through a sad feeling fairly quickly if i allow it, but it surely did not feel like that at first...
tallula, thanks for stopping by i have been thinking a lot recently about compassion for myself. i think i have always thought that it was selfish in some way but now i realize how necessary it is before i can have true compassion for others.
Insideout, I read your recent posts today and am amazed at how you can talk about OW with your H. it is hard for me to imagine and understand and i wonder what it is that makes us all so different in that respect. (i am on the other end... not able to have any R right now with my X and would like to understand what enables others to do so) ps i like what you said about muscle memory.
busting and tori, thanks for your encouragement picnic sisters. i am with you both on accepting my feelings and not worrying about when they will end...they will end when they are ready..
JOURNAL
The D process moves forward. I replied to the settlement papers about a few issues that still needed to be addressed and W emailed that they were being rewritten. I did not reply to her email as there were no questions in it that needed a reply. The only other contact recently was when our dog was sick and needed a specialist, tests and treatment. I updated her about that and she responded nicely with concern.
I have been having some memories coming back...of things I did for her and of things I did not enjoy in the R.... my tendency has been to magnify all my faults in the R and idealize her... and i think i am finally starting to look at things more realistically... i am able to see more clearly how our faults rubbed up against each other and slowly aggravated and harmed our intimacy. i am able now to focus on me, my role but in a compassionate way. that is a big step forward for me and can continue to fuel my self growth.
my life has been shifting in really positive ways... my career path (which i changed about 12 years ago after being a vice president in a totally different industry) has really taken off. i am working a ton of hours but for now it is okay and my work is very rewarding.
my relationships with friends and family are expanding and deepening, i am discovering and enjoying new interests... and i am feeling very content with my life. i still do miss sharing my life w/ W but find that i am content with wishing her happiness and sending her love in my mind when i think of her.
that being said, i do not feel ready to have a friendship with her.. but instead of beating myself up about that.. i am working on accepting where i am at with that. (hence, my wonder with you, Insideout.)
i am blessed, that i know for sure.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Ah. I often wonder if it is because I was also a WAS, I just chose to stay in marriage and see if things would change. So while I was never done as H is, I can understand and validate his feelings....and I truly love him, so to see him working it out makes me happy too. I am sure there will come a time, perhaps when they move in, that it will be truly necessary to detach completely, just to be able to continue my own path.
He texts, he doesn't text, he can't wait for GF to go away a, he can't wait for her to come back, he talks with me, he doesn't .. This is a guy who has some issues and he is not done yet. Not with this R with me.
So it is a balancing act and we each do what we have to do and what we think works, first of all for us. The day this no longer works for me is the day it changes. His decisions, for the most part, do not occupy my brain, and when he talks of OW, it is not in glowing terms etc. just an opinion where our lives all intersect, so how do I ignore this? H knows how I feel and knows what I want. It is all I can do
