Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

[25yearsmlc]

Sounds as if some painful but valuable growth is happening...GOOD!!

Thanks SS -
I really am trying to be more thoughtful and less defensive - I know it's an issue for me. It's come up in therapy a few times too. Combined with the lousy communication between me and my H, it's no wonder we ended up in that spot.


So what are you doing about it? Poor communication might have been partly related to the negativity. No one wants to tell someone prone to defensive reactions or negative spiralling, anything "uncomfortable" and a lot of life is that way.

So I mean, I know you're TALKING about it in therapy, but are there ANY specific actions you can take, or avoid, that you can measurably work on, starting now?


I'm happy to report that things seem to be getting better. Last week's MC session was very hard and left us both a little drained, but I think it inspired us to work harder and we had a good week.

Well, see? There are SOME counselors out there who do help. (We found one!) So, more power to you if you found one! Just make sure you two stay solution based, not reverting to the blame of the past or the rehashing and old wounds getting new attention. Been there, done that....NOT fun.


H and I attended our kids' school's fundraiser which is a fancy evening. H enjoyed socializing with his friends

but I told him at the end of the night that I felt a little abandoned and he seemed to understand that. I think he is working hard at listening to me without taking what I am saying personally and learning that he is not responsible for my happiness. This has been an issue for us since our first date.


So, was your feeling abandoned, his fault? If not, why bring it up? Better yet, why NOT take charge of your happiness and mingle more on your own? GAL means getting OUT of the comfort zone.

I'm not trying to give you a 2 x 4, but I feel like it'd be weird of me not to mention it, given that you say "HE is not responsible" for your happiness, but then you SEEMED to be holding him responsible for how you felt "abandoned" at a fancy fun evening for your daughter's school.

Surely not all the people there are only HIS friends?

And even if they were, do you see where I'm going with this?


As I said, I have been working on being less defensive. Today in MC we discussed trying to stay more positive or seeing the bigger picture. I tend to dwell on the negative and I think that's a bummer for H.

No offense Regretful, I'm rooting for you and how you dig deep. But honey, of course that's a bummer for h. It's a bummer for everyone around it.

Congrats on seeing this.


It's a better habit for me to get into as well.

YES and it's called feeling happier. Happiness does NOT land on us from the sky.
Happiness is based on a ton of things we do, primarily OUR attitude towards life and others and our reactions to unexpected events. It also includes cognitive behavioral therapy.

In its' simplest form, we STOP ourselves from becoming a Swirling Vortex Of Negativity (or as my sisters and I call it, "SVONing"...we must work to avoid being a SVON or SVONing...)


H also is getting into a space where he can accept that I am working to make changes, so I hope the upswing continues for a while.


Sounds good. Do you see that YOU DO have some control over this^^, since it's YOUR work to do? I mean, this part, is yours...right?

I've also finally found some GAL that I really am enjoying - I've started playing around with succulent plants which are very pretty and easy to grow. I think this is going to be a very good hobby for me and I'm very excited about it. It doesn't have the social aspect but that is ok.

It's a good start if it relaxes you and makes the place look better...I just hope in time you meet some NEW people. Since you are identifying behaviors you do NOT want, you'll have to replace them with positive behaviors you DO want..so you need role models honey.

Look for the happier ones at a garden club or some other GAL thing... the ones who are engaged in the world, friendly, not snarky remarks (unless they're hilarious) and those who see life as at least partly an adventure...and hang with them!

Good luck!