Acc, in regards to your W, I thought I recalled that she acknowledged that she was unhappy and simply accepted that about herself, being unwilling to try to improve that reality any longer. That's what I'm relating to. I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence and it's not supposed to be enjoyable so there's no point in trying to make it so. I realize there's a lot about my sitch that is sucky, but if it's going to be sucky for me anyway, I'd like to at least make it as good for S12 as possible (plus he's the very best part of my life and I get to see him 24/7, rather than some shared custody arrangement, so sticking it out for the next 5/6 years is probably the least sucky.)
So in the meantime, I'm about as pliable as a person can be right now. I have no pride left, no personal agenda at all. I'm supposed to work on me. I'm supposed to look at what I bring to the R, good and bad. I'm pretty much meeting every one of H's needs, except for being a happy W. I don't know how to do that, especially in light of my current state. I don't want to go into specifics of the incident, but I'm fine physically. Mentally and emotionally spent, suffering a little PTSD possibly, but fully aware that I made the choice to place myself in harm's way. It was stupid, I knew better but was in denial. But with regards to that, I'll be fine eventually. I know how to "fix" that.
I don't know how to "fix" being unhappy. I don't know how to enjoy being M'd. I don't know how to get my needs met by H, yet can't get them met by someone else. It seems easier to bury the need than to fake it with something else.
