Is there light at the end of the tunnel Part 1?

[Bel123]

That is not validation. You should NEVER respond with anything that says or implies you know exactly how she feels, because that is belittling her feelings. Validation is letting her know her feelings are unique and important and that you care about them. That's it. No explaining/ justifying/ defining or anything of the sort.

You are correct AS… I am noticing more and more now and not just with W that I talk about how I relate to a person’s issue when they are telling me their problem. And honestly, it is not trying to minimize their feelings but more trying to relate to it to build a better bond. But I am actively trying stop that and it is hard. When I just sit there and listen and say how crappy it must but, I feel like I am not being helpful. I try to be the fix it guy and find solutions but most of the time, that’s not what people are looking for. This is something I really need to work on. Its something I have to keep looking at as I talk to people. I also have been thinking of if I was telling someone my issues, how I would feel if they tell me they have been through something similar as well. I am still not sure if I would mind it but it seems a lot of people do. Especially W! So more trying to relate to her in my way.

That doesn't matter. All that matters is her perception. You need to quit looking at this from your perspective and try to see it from hers.

I guess I am still in a fantasy land of where each person shared their perspective. But that’s not where we are. Its hard for me to swallow when I feel like there is my side of it as well. I don’t feel my side is the right side but I feel less when my view is not heard at all. It eats me up inside. I don’t know why that is either.

Don't take offense, but you need to understand that when you say things like this you're just saying "it's all about me, me me!" Unfortunately the burden of performance is on the LBS, this is not the time to express your wants/ needs/ feelings. It's all about the WAS and THEIR wants/ needs/ feelings. Yours need to be pushed aside for now.

Now this is hard to do because I have many issues with W that have affected me deeply but I guess since she is the one trying to leave I have to suck it up for now. Very hard to do and sometimes when I feel like I am being beat up and I can’t bring the issues I have with her up, I ask myself is this all worth it? Sometimes I am not even sure. And sometimes I worry even if there is a possibility of reconciling, would W be will to work on the issues with me or not. It’s a big uphill battle I (and everybody else DBing) going against. If that ever happens, I hope I have enough self-respect and worth where I am able to come up with boundaries and be able to enforce it. But I am nowhere close to that.

Be careful with the mindreading. If you always maintain a PMA around your W, it will still take her months to thaw to your improvements. That does not mean she's not letting it "into her system", indeed she is, she's just not outwardly expressing that because she doesn't want you to get the wrong impression.

You are correct, it is still so hard for me to see W closed off to me but that shouldn’t mean I can’t improve. And I should not improve for her but for myself. I need to keep telling myself that and continue the course. In the last couple of days, I have been trying not to mind read. I have been for so long it comes naturally. I keep telling myself with or without her I am still going to be me. Better with her but not the end of the work if it is without her. I need to really do this for myself.

I wake up some days and I am so motivated and I know my goal and how to achieve and other days the thought of being a failure in the M and I didn’t see this coming brings me down. My IC has been good at letting me know that it is good that I know my part in it but I am not the only one for the problems of the M.

Thanks for taking the time and giving me your input AS! This kind of support and breaking things down how I come off to others lets me see how I am proceeded and how I am able to do better.