My journey begins

[jp787]

"You are right and seem to have a good handle on your sitch, I am happy for you."

Thanks JP. But I too have a long long way to go. I was where you are two months ago. I was all over the place, didn't work, wasnt eating. Weird thing is I want like that for a month or so after BD, then it hit me and I was in a serious downward spiral for a week or so towards the end of January. I started reading a lot of threads and began posting myself in Feb.
once I really started applying what some of these old timers are saying is wen things began to improve. I still have more "oh crap" moments every once in a while, but with each mistake I made it turned out exactly like some of these guys said it will. I began to detach and GAL for me, not for W. when that truly happened I felt better and wouldn't you know things with W have gotten better. We still aren't "working on it", but interaction with me is totally different.
JP, I've followed your sitch. You are stronger person than you are giving yourself credit for. Stay active! Don't sit around thinking. Go for a walk, do stuff with daughters, go to a park, movie, anything!!!
But do not sit around or lay around

sit or lay around are big issues for me at times. I feel so tired. Thank you for your words and encouragement.

[jp787]

So I Therapy tomorrow thank God.
Thinking out loud.
*I think about what I need to do, but do not act on it.
*I feel "Comfortable" or "normal" in the poor me, suffering mode. (yes it is sick)
*I have very low self esteem, worth, value.
*My mind is locked on the negative.
*I am controlling, jealous, angry and scared.
*I am extremely codependent.
*I have a huge amount of anxiety and fear.
*1 am tired.
So that said I need to Stop thinking and act, get out of my comfortable, accept my faults and not act on them, learn how to change what I can and get off my a$$.

I thank all of you for the hard love, time and effort put out.
My turn to make that first step.

[cbtdad]

"So that said I need to Stop thinking and act, get out of my comfortable, accept my faults and not act on them, learn how to change what I can and get off my a$$."

Take that first step and each step will get easier.
But whatever you do, remember that just because you are taking that step doesn't mean something isn't going to pop up and try to drag you back down. Keep stepping forward!! PMA

[makingmagic]

I can totally relate jp... thats why they say "fake it, till you make it".... faking it does help, PROMISE! (ps... im still faking it)

[Grizz]

Jp I hope things get better. You have said and identified very important points in your last post. Just do it! Go back and read what you posted. Pick which one you think would be the easiest to do and get started on that one. I know, none of those are easy to fix but pick which one YOU think would be the easiest to at least start on. You can do it. Press on!

[Tallula]

If you can sext get & ML and not have any expectations, then do it. One of my H's complaints is that I had seemed less into sex & not attracted to him. When he was still living here I was ok with having sex & sexting. He even tried a few times since he moved.

He now knows I'm very attracted to him, but then for me and my POM, I needed to set that boundary. It's all a personal choice.

Emotions are just that. Feel them, scream, yell, post here...but don't show them to W. my H has no clue I spent Saturday & Sunday in turmoil. All he sees is a happy, confident T. If I do get teary dropping off my kids and he asks if I'm ok, I say "yep, you know. It's hard to leave them until the silence kicks in :)"

You can do this!!! GAL big time!

to be honest, another fear is if I stop sexting and having sex, it will open the door "wider" for her to get it elsewhere

I had felt that too. It's about me and what is good for me. My H is having sex with another woman. I will not sleep with another man because of that. If that opens the door wide enough for your W to go elsewhere, you deserve better. And it's not a love you should miss. I tell myself this everytime I have a thought like that. I deserve more than the scraps he can give. So, if this "makes" him leave, so be it. I deserve better.

[jp787]

I had felt that too. It's about me and what is good for me. My H is having sex with another woman. I will not sleep with another man because of that. If that opens the door wide enough for your W to go elsewhere, you deserve better. And it's not a love you should miss. I tell myself this everytime I have a thought like that. I deserve more than the scraps he can give. So, if this "makes" him leave, so be it. I deserve better.

Thank you and you are right, you deserve only the best!

[jp787]

Jp I hope things get better. You have said and identified very important points in your last post. Just do it! Go back and read what you posted. Pick which one you think would be the easiest to do and get started on that one. I know, none of those are easy to fix but pick which one YOU think would be the easiest to at least start on. You can do it. Press on!

Thank you!

[jp787]

I can totally relate jp... thats why they say "fake it, till you make it".... faking it does help, PROMISE! (ps... im still faking it)

I will use this, thank you!!!

[jp787]

"So that said I need to Stop thinking and act, get out of my comfortable, accept my faults and not act on them, learn how to change what I can and get off my a$$."

Take that first step and each step will get easier.
But whatever you do, remember that just because you are taking that step doesn't mean something isn't going to pop up and try to drag you back down. Keep stepping forward!! PMA

Momentum is certainly something I battle with, thank you!