So, you know the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for."
Well I had my humbling experience a couple of weeks ago, with an added bonus of humiliation, fear, physical injury and illness, and financial burden. Regardless, it was effective. I had to call H for assistance. He was aces. He really was. Thankfully, none of my situation rolled over onto him, other than having to come and get me, so that's good.
What it did for me was clear my head and my emotional baggage. I'm not angry at H anymore. I'm not judgmental of his actions anymore. I don't feel like my incident made us "even" because mine didn't impact him beyond the inconvenience of having to pick me up that night, but I don't need to get even either. I was grateful for him being there for me and I reinvested in him, again. I'm acting "as-if." The word he used to describe his reaction was "giddy." He's happy.
I'm not.
I'm actually a little emotionally dead, like the incident extinguished the last spark of passion or fight that I had left in me.
I'm beginning to think I'm becoming Accuray's W, where I'm just going to accept that this is who I am and give up trying to change me. It really is hard to figure it out, to fix it, and I think I'm tired of trying. And WTH, H is happy so I've met my obligation anyway, right? (Acc, I haven't seen an update on your sitch for quite some time, so forgive me if I'm misstating.)
I haven't posted here again for a few weeks because I believe focusing on problems makes them bigger. I've just been trying to make the best of things and be happy and content. I hoped I would heal from this incident in a positive way, like people that have a near-death experience and suddenly have a new zest for life.
So far, it hasn't worked that way. It's like I'm missing something. Like I hear everyone talking about how "sweet" something tastes, but I don't have a "sweet" taste bud so I never quite get what they're talking about. Like I see 40K+ people sitting at the stadium every time there's an at-home ballgame, and I just don't get it. All I see are big crowds and long lines to the bathrooms and exorbitant prices for food. Like someone shows me the $300 bargain they got on a Coach purse and I don't like it enough to give them .50 for it.
Like H invites me to go get lunch with him, then proceeds to read the newspaper, so I'm sitting across the table from him looking at the backside of the paper he's reading. Apparently, he thought I would enjoy that; he invited me to join him. But I didn't. What am I missing?
Like H suggests we do something together as a family, so S12 and I go pick up a couple of movies. S12 and I watch the movies while H sits on the other sofa with his laptop on his lap and his sound-reducing headphones on his head, until he finally sets them aside to lay down and fall asleep, snoring. His invite, his definition. I can only assume he thought we would enjoy our "family time." I didn't. What am I missing? It doesn't help my perception when S12 kept telling H to "leave," to go to bed. Apparently he wasn't enjoying it either.
The boys were out of town with boy scouts this weekend so I met up with a GF for dinner. We talked/visited for 7 hours. Never once did she pick up the newspaper or stare at the wall of TV's or fall asleep. Nor did I. I enjoyed it immensely. I think she did too because she was free to leave at any time but didn't. One thing she talked about that relates to my sitch: She said her S13 just broke up with his GF because when they were together, she would spend the whole time texting her friends. Apparently, it wasn't enjoyable for him. She evidently thought it would be (or she didn't like him and didn't care perhaps.) I actually found it ironic that he did have a problem with it, because it's such a prevalent thing with the younger generation, but I totally get it.
So where to go from here? I've already talked with H about how it makes me feel, repeatedly, throughout our M. I don't see his behavior changing. I'm not even judging his behavior, or stating that it's wrong. It's just his way. But it's not MY way. I just don't enjoy being with him. When I discussed here his falling asleep during movies before, it was responded to as if I was being unreasonable and unappreciative, that I should go put a blanket on him, etc. Fine, I'm doing that. But I'm still missing the enjoyment for me?
Knowing that I can only change me, how do I make myself enjoy this sort of interaction? I tried talking to H again, to ask him what I'm missing, to find out what HE would enjoy about going to lunch with me if I sat down and pulled out a book and started reading it. Talking to him is just not an option. He doesn't have the communication skills to address our issues. I think we both don't. Pointing out his behavior again after having done so our entire M just makes me feel bitchy. And it's pointless. So that's out.
So, in any case, I've been further humbled. I'm not sure I needed it before, as I've felt pretty valueless for some time.
It just doesn't seem like it should be this hard to have a mutually satisfying/enjoyable R with someone, especially when they claim that they want the same thing.
