Doing something "different," fine, but what you're suggesting is what I did for years. I'm not going to be a "fool" and do the same thing over expecting a different result.
And also, if you followed my thread all the way through, you would see that I did that about a month ago. I was absent from the site for about 3 weeks while I spent two weeks again "being the partner I wished to be." H was happy, happy, happy. After two weeks of no reciprocation (which H readily admits he didn't,) I stopped. I'm glad that lifestyle works for you; it doesn't make ME happy. I think I don't make as good a martyr as you suggest I do.
"How about for one month you stop any thoughts about H's flaws, problems, errors, lack of follow through, etc. That is for one month, STOP yourself from focusing on H and any criticisms and complaints you have of him.
Rather, write down all the ways in which you are a flawed partner. Write down how these flaws have harmed your relationship with H and others. Write down all the ways in which you are stuck and choose to stay stuck because of fear. Focus only on yourself. Do not write down *anything* about H that involves his behavior, thoughts, feelings. This limits you to statements like: "I am afraid H will leave at a time when it is inconvenient for me." "I demonize others and play the victim when I describe a lack of follow through on good intentions as lies and deception."
Also, write down all the ways in which you are a great partner. Write down how these traits have helped your relationship with H and others. Write down all the ways in which you are moving forward even in light of of fear. Focus only on yourself. Do not write down *anything* about H that involves his behavior, thoughts, feelings. This limits you to statements like: "I am able to be open to H not meaning to hurt me even when I feel hurt." "I sometimes try to give genuine space to others even if I don't like how they choose to do something."
Rinse and repeat. If you find yourself writing about H, mark it out with a Sharpie. If you find yourself thinking about H's issues, STOP it. Turn to finding a parallel or somehow similar flaw in yourself."
I can't "point to it" because I was absent. It was at page 33 of my last thread, from the period from 1/17 thru 2/6. I did what you said in my head, though I didn't go through the exercise of "writing it down." (I didn't have the assignment at that time, of course.) I presume I was successful with my approach because H was very happy with it. He said so.
At the end of the period, I simply felt spent and empty and very alone. What pleasure are you suggesting I'm supposed to get out of this exercise, such that "writing it down" would have made all the difference?
It sounds like you tried to act like you would if you had the ideal partner. But, you will never have the ideal partner, which makes it a pretty useless exercise.
Moreover, I don't believe that you really want to be a partner who martyrs herself and self-sacrifices so much that it leaves you tired and sulking. So, you didn't really behave as a person with healthy boundaries, which I assume is part of who you would want to be.
In any case, the idea is to do a writing exercise, not to "act as if." I have no idea if such writing would give you pleasure. I would think instead that it would be difficult and painful at times.
The purpose in writing it down is to genuinely examine your life and your contributions to your situation. As for whether it would make a difference in your life, I don't know that either. It seems to me that your resistance and reactivity are high. But, it might nevertheless help. Especially, if after one month, you do a second month, and then a third month... In any case, who knows, it might help. Certainly you can't know without trying it.
Remember, this is different from "acting as if" or some such. The idea is to: (1) work on the written exercise and (2) stop your thoughts that involve criticism/complaint/fixing/analysis of H in your mind and on paper.
It seems like your posts here allow you to act out to self-medicate rather than to make change within. You have acknowledged your sickness of over-functioning. This is part of being codependent. It might be helpful to post at co-dependents anonymous in addition to here or instead of here.
If having a reciprocal partner qualifies as the "ideal" partner, then I would like to not ever be M'd. My definition of M is reciprocal. I was acting as the partner I would like to be, but like my job, it's not intended to charity. I expect to get "paid." My healthy boundary was evident after two weeks of non-reciprocal interaction. I'm willing to go first; I'm just not willing to go alone.
I can do the exercise you're talking about. It's not far off from what I've done in the past. I tend to type rather than write, but I don't suspect that matters. I'm sure I could go through some of my old files and put together a pretty significant list without any new thoughts. Many of the issues are old news and have already been addressed. And I've done this with all of my R's: parents, step-kids, friends, co-workers, etc. It's not a foreign concept to me, just a different technique.
I have spent time on a co-d site, as well as a step-parenting site, M site, home organization site, gardening site, etc. THIS is a divorce-busting site. Yes, I do vent, I do ask questions, regarding M/R's. I thought that was the purpose of the site.
So if I were fully invested and completely successful, what is the end-goal? How does your suggestion "bust my D?"
The point of this site is to work on changing oneself. But you seem to be using these boards in other ways, to bash H and to gain feelings of superiority in other ways. The self-medicating to which I refer is not venting, or at least not only in the continuing stream of H-bashing. It is in your defensive posts to others that appear to me to be an unhealthy form of self-medication.
The best chance you have for a healthy M is to become healthier yourself. Certainly no guarantees that it will fix your M.
Research shows that writing is more helpful.
You might read back on all your threads and notice that you resist most suggestions with something very similar to the last line of your post. This resistance combined with the hostile defensiveness suggests to me that you remain stuck.
To get unstuck requires dropping the defensiveness, the resistance, the arrogance. I wish I could do that for you, but I can't. Only you have the power to take genuine steps in that direction.
And there's that negative interpretation of my responses again, described as "hostile defensiveness" and "arrogance." I'm not hostile. I don't even feel defensive. Anyone who knows me thinks I'm anything but arrogant. I don't know how that comes across in my posts. I wish I knew how to say it differently, less offensively. I guess that's the first thing I should put on my list...
So, you know the old saying, "Be careful what you wish for."
Well I had my humbling experience a couple of weeks ago, with an added bonus of humiliation, fear, physical injury and illness, and financial burden. Regardless, it was effective. I had to call H for assistance. He was aces. He really was. Thankfully, none of my situation rolled over onto him, other than having to come and get me, so that's good.
What it did for me was clear my head and my emotional baggage. I'm not angry at H anymore. I'm not judgmental of his actions anymore. I don't feel like my incident made us "even" because mine didn't impact him beyond the inconvenience of having to pick me up that night, but I don't need to get even either. I was grateful for him being there for me and I reinvested in him, again. I'm acting "as-if." The word he used to describe his reaction was "giddy." He's happy.
I'm not.
I'm actually a little emotionally dead, like the incident extinguished the last spark of passion or fight that I had left in me.
I'm beginning to think I'm becoming Accuray's W, where I'm just going to accept that this is who I am and give up trying to change me. It really is hard to figure it out, to fix it, and I think I'm tired of trying. And WTH, H is happy so I've met my obligation anyway, right? (Acc, I haven't seen an update on your sitch for quite some time, so forgive me if I'm misstating.)
I haven't posted here again for a few weeks because I believe focusing on problems makes them bigger. I've just been trying to make the best of things and be happy and content. I hoped I would heal from this incident in a positive way, like people that have a near-death experience and suddenly have a new zest for life.
So far, it hasn't worked that way. It's like I'm missing something. Like I hear everyone talking about how "sweet" something tastes, but I don't have a "sweet" taste bud so I never quite get what they're talking about. Like I see 40K+ people sitting at the stadium every time there's an at-home ballgame, and I just don't get it. All I see are big crowds and long lines to the bathrooms and exorbitant prices for food. Like someone shows me the $300 bargain they got on a Coach purse and I don't like it enough to give them .50 for it.
Like H invites me to go get lunch with him, then proceeds to read the newspaper, so I'm sitting across the table from him looking at the backside of the paper he's reading. Apparently, he thought I would enjoy that; he invited me to join him. But I didn't. What am I missing?
Like H suggests we do something together as a family, so S12 and I go pick up a couple of movies. S12 and I watch the movies while H sits on the other sofa with his laptop on his lap and his sound-reducing headphones on his head, until he finally sets them aside to lay down and fall asleep, snoring. His invite, his definition. I can only assume he thought we would enjoy our "family time." I didn't. What am I missing? It doesn't help my perception when S12 kept telling H to "leave," to go to bed. Apparently he wasn't enjoying it either.
The boys were out of town with boy scouts this weekend so I met up with a GF for dinner. We talked/visited for 7 hours. Never once did she pick up the newspaper or stare at the wall of TV's or fall asleep. Nor did I. I enjoyed it immensely. I think she did too because she was free to leave at any time but didn't. One thing she talked about that relates to my sitch: She said her S13 just broke up with his GF because when they were together, she would spend the whole time texting her friends. Apparently, it wasn't enjoyable for him. She evidently thought it would be (or she didn't like him and didn't care perhaps.) I actually found it ironic that he did have a problem with it, because it's such a prevalent thing with the younger generation, but I totally get it.
So where to go from here? I've already talked with H about how it makes me feel, repeatedly, throughout our M. I don't see his behavior changing. I'm not even judging his behavior, or stating that it's wrong. It's just his way. But it's not MY way. I just don't enjoy being with him. When I discussed here his falling asleep during movies before, it was responded to as if I was being unreasonable and unappreciative, that I should go put a blanket on him, etc. Fine, I'm doing that. But I'm still missing the enjoyment for me?
Knowing that I can only change me, how do I make myself enjoy this sort of interaction? I tried talking to H again, to ask him what I'm missing, to find out what HE would enjoy about going to lunch with me if I sat down and pulled out a book and started reading it. Talking to him is just not an option. He doesn't have the communication skills to address our issues. I think we both don't. Pointing out his behavior again after having done so our entire M just makes me feel bitchy. And it's pointless. So that's out.
So, in any case, I've been further humbled. I'm not sure I needed it before, as I've felt pretty valueless for some time.
It just doesn't seem like it should be this hard to have a mutually satisfying/enjoyable R with someone, especially when they claim that they want the same thing.
