My journey begins

[jp787]

JP, if you are not going to get it together for yourself then get it together for your kids. You are not the only person going through this. You are going to get through this. But you have to begin to take the steps to do so

Your right

[jp787]

How much are you sleeping ?

I am sleeping about 4-5 hours a night, waking up a lot. Tried sleeping aid and melatonin, all make me too tired in the AM, hangover.

Patient ?

Yes, you keep with me, you haven't quit me. Makes me wonder if that is why I don't act, I expect to be quit on? Then when left or threatened I act or react as in when W said D, I woke up? Something to really think about.

Well thank you, I hardly feel as though patience has been used to describe me often. And it certainly wasn't me when I was dealing with what you are ( or very similar).

I CHOSE to become patient, and I know that you can do the same.

The people that are posting to you, have all been where you are. And even though they appear to have it mostly figured out, WE all started doing the things that you are doing.

The mindreading and over thinking, over anal-izing (yes, I meant to spell it that way).

We were all that way until we chose to be different , adn not to let the actions of our wayward spouses define how we wanted to act.

That choice is yours to make as well, and we are all here to help you get there...

The only thing in the way, is you have to chose to do that work...

And when you are ready, I will point you back to your first couple threads, and see how much support that you have here....

I'm not going to speak for PON here....

The frustrations....???

I would assume that you really strike some old feelings in him, of a person that he has zero interest in being again.

And he is trying to save you that pain, because you really do inflict a lot of it on yourself....

[jp787]

Ok, just catching up on your sitch.

Telling your W to lose OM or D...yea, not going to make you feel any better & she will probably chose OM. I find making any decisions while in pain & turmoil is a bad idea.

I have texted and said so many things in frustration and driven by emotion, this is something I HAVE to get control over ASAP.

My decisions & boundaries that I know I need to do stay when I'm calm. when my H wanted to move forward with our R while keeping IW as a FB friend & being secretive with his phone, I knew that wasn't going to work for me.

This one is SO HARD for me. This is something that was missing from our marriage, physical-sex, it was not there because of me. Now that she wants that from me and we can sext and have our weekly time, it is a 180 for me. She says that it is the one thing we can do right, so I thrive on it. I guess I have to weigh that against the possibility that she is still sexting others and choose to continue as in the long run it is something that will help our R. At least that is my hope. I don't want to share her, but as stated 100 times, I dont have that control.

I stated I needed those things or we separate. I did not do that to get him to do anything. Frankly, I knew he'd move out. It was my truth.

My H is in a full on EA/PA right now. Can't decide between her & I. Still puts the moves on me, and up until Friday I told him I'm not in an open marriage. I did it, and now feel like junk. So, I won't anymore. If you are sleeping with her & sexting her expecting to be the only one in her life that she is doing that with, then you have your answer. Dont do it then.

As said above, I think I have to, the benifit outweighs the bad, as long as I can take it mentally.

I know your pain all too well!!! This weekend was painful for me. I got obsessed with thinking about my H & OW, I'm less than, what does she have that I done...bam!! Sucs! But, it hurts less now than in the beginning because I have tools. I've never missed a day of work during this. Now, I've been totally unproductive but I go. I do things I enjoy, try to snap my brain out if the obsessive thinking. This is NOT about us being less than. Nothing anyone does is a reason for someone to cheat. It does not define my self worth, it defines my H's. All I can do is work on being a better person for me, for my kids.
HUGS!!!!! This place is hard!!

Thank you for sharing, I also feel your pain and pray for you. This is hard, the hardest thing I have ever been through and more than I can handle at times. I honestly admire your strength, I too hope to get to where you are.

[jp787]

JP,
I hope you get some much needed rest. When you awake go outside and take a nice long walk if its nice outside. Start thinking about what you really want in life and how you plan on getting there. I dont have a confirmed OM in my sitch. So i cant speak to exactly how that feels. But i will say there was a weekend a month and half ago where i did some snooping of epic portions and it didn't make me feel better, only worse. For those couple days I was where you are right now. Like I said in an earlier post, it got better when I finally told myself there is nothing I can do to stop it or control even if something is going on anyways. I also believed in my case that I did have some responsibility for her getting to that point if she actually had. The one question I had to answer was, "does it change things?"

No it doesn't. I too drove my W to this point. She tried and tried to wake me up, I was gone. Now that I am awake, there isnt a day that goes by that I don't think back and wonder wtf was wrong with me.

Meaning if I did find out for sure would I not want my W back. My conclusion was no! It wouldnt change anything and I would still want to at least try and work on our marriage. My W is in FLorida all week with a couple of guys. Guess what, for all i know she could be having a threesome every night. But she could also be telling them that she is having second thoughts and wants to work on our marriage. The point is I have no way of knowing for sure.
You have control over your thoughts and actions. Once you realize you have that control it will get easier. PMA!!!!

You are right and seem to have a good handle on your sitch, I am happy for you.

[jp787]

I consider my W had an EA while physically separated. The OM then made a pass at her and she broke it off. I believe she had another one while separated under same roof.

Mach1. Yes and know I see your frustrations.
[quote=PowerOfNow]
JP. You need to stop immediately focusing on your W. Please do this for yourself. I understand you are in panic mode. The more you panic the more you push her further away.

Thank you, I am trying

You gave up the passwords. That is GREAT. You can't control if she is having another EA.

What I use to do when I couldn't sleep was get up at 545 am and goto the gym and workout for 2 hours so at night I was so dead tired I could sleep. I also did CHI GONG breathing every night. See if you can find a local Raike or Chi Gong specialist in your area.

Good advice, I go to the gym, yet need more.

You must GAL every night. Do not worry if your W is cheating or not. She is going to do what she is going to do.

Are you still under the same roof? IF so I would come home and do father duties and then split after.

No thank God, we are S, if we were under the same roof we would have been D by now. Imagine how bad I come across on here, let alone living with W, I was a lost puppy and clung to her bad.

You are on what we call the "net hamster" wheel. I made this a DB forum phrase. You are only skimming posts and missing valuable information. You are so CODEPENDANT on your W right now you are making yourself ill

I know this and am feeling the effects of it.

[Tallula]

If you can sext get & ML and not have any expectations, then do it. One of my H's complaints is that I had seemed less into sex & not attracted to him. When he was still living here I was ok with having sex & sexting. He even tried a few times since he moved.

He now knows I'm very attracted to him, but then for me and my POM, I needed to set that boundary. It's all a personal choice.

Emotions are just that. Feel them, scream, yell, post here...but don't show them to W. my H has no clue I spent Saturday & Sunday in turmoil. All he sees is a happy, confident T. If I do get teary dropping off my kids and he asks if I'm ok, I say "yep, you know. It's hard to leave them until the silence kicks in :)"

You can do this!!! GAL big time!

[cbtdad]

"You are right and seem to have a good handle on your sitch, I am happy for you."

Thanks JP. But I too have a long long way to go. I was where you are two months ago. I was all over the place, didn't work, wasnt eating. Weird thing is I want like that for a month or so after BD, then it hit me and I was in a serious downward spiral for a week or so towards the end of January. I started reading a lot of threads and began posting myself in Feb.
once I really started applying what some of these old timers are saying is wen things began to improve. I still have more "oh crap" moments every once in a while, but with each mistake I made it turned out exactly like some of these guys said it will. I began to detach and GAL for me, not for W. when that truly happened I felt better and wouldn't you know things with W have gotten better. We still aren't "working on it", but interaction with me is totally different.
JP, I've followed your sitch. You are stronger person than you are giving yourself credit for. Stay active! Don't sit around thinking. Go for a walk, do stuff with daughters, go to a park, movie, anything!!!
But do not sit around or lay around

[jp787]

Yes M1. I am trying to save JP pain. In my sitch I was so hyper focused on rings being on, OM, Lawyers, if she cooked for me, you name it.

You have 2 choices:

1. File and Get a D
2. Not file, work on yourself, and reinvent your M down the road. WHICH requires YOU to start working on yourself ASAP, look inward, do some serious self growth (fix your anxiety/fear and panic which I am guessing stems from childhood). Don't post on your thread what your W is doing. Post what you are doing to fix your sandbox.

Re-read how you are worried about how worried you are about her having EA and how you can't monitor it so it drives you crazy. That is not health bro. I did it too. I actually still have urges. Like trying to quit Marlboro Reds but all your friends smoke. I get it

I am messed up bad. My D take a late shower, like at 11pm, so when I hear the water turn on, it is a trigger for me. My heart pounds and I get up to go read what W and her have said about me. F@#king makes me sick, that I do that. I lay in bed and think please dont shower tonight, please take the phone in the bathroom with you. I lay there and say JP you do not want to do this to your D, you don't need to look... I get up and go look, I get my fix. Either I find nothing and feel relief, then guilt or find something that was said that makes me sick and then guilt. Guess that is why I dont gamble, smoke, drink etc. I would be a slave to it if I did.

[jp787]

If you can sext get & ML and not have any expectations, then do it. One of my H's complaints is that I had seemed less into sex & not attracted to him. When he was still living here I was ok with having sex & sexting. He even tried a few times since he moved.

He now knows I'm very attracted to him, but then for me and my POM, I needed to set that boundary. It's all a personal choice.

Emotions are just that. Feel them, scream, yell, post here...but don't show them to W. my H has no clue I spent Saturday & Sunday in turmoil. All he sees is a happy, confident T. If I do get teary dropping off my kids and he asks if I'm ok, I say "yep, you know. It's hard to leave them until the silence kicks in :)"

You can do this!!! GAL big time!

to be honest, another fear is if I stop sexting and having sex, it will open the door "wider" for her to get it elsewhere

[jp787]

Before I found this website, I gave my W the same ultimatum. To my shock, she chose OM. I had to backtrack because I wasn't really willing to go there.

I am sorry you had to go through that. I also thank you for sharing that with me.
Hang in there!