Thanks for your input adinva. See my responses below:
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How do you know for a fact about this affair, and do you know for a fact if it is physical or not yet?
Yes, its is a physical relationship. I posted in an earlier post that I had recently caught my wife with the OM.
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Do you know for a fact that she doesn't know you know? Asking you what is wrong could be her trying to broach the subject, the elephant in the room - it sounds like you are assuming that she doesn't know because he hasn't said anything and hasn't acted differently, but that is mind-reading. Try to stick with actual facts.
I asked her point blank if she was having an affair and she denied it. Now I know she is willing to lie about the affair to try to protect what she has.
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You mean, in a year, you've approached her a few times and ML a few, so maybe six approaches over the whole year? Is that a change from last year?
No, we have ML more than that over the past year, but within the past few months she has made more excuses not to ML.
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Would you describe your desire as evenly matched over the course of your marriage, or was she wanting more than you or vice versa?
I would diffently say that I have always have had more desire than she.
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What else was potentially broken in your marriage, now that you look back over it? Has she told you anything she was unhappy about?
I think this is one of the factors that pushed her into this affair. In the past I have been somewhat withdrawn and not always the most loving of husbands. I guess I got stuck in a rut and just took our marriage for granted. I think I am somewhat to blame for the actions of my wife, I see that clearly now.
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I think you should get to work on yourself right now, try to get the ground back under your feet and figure out what kind of a marriage you want in your future, and then lovingly get this out in the open with your W before you find yourself trying to fake it with them. But - if you can afford coaching that would be a much better source of guidance than me on that particular issue.
This is very good advice and I will try to follow it. The hard part is masking my feelings with my W and the OM when we are together. Right now I'm feeling realy hurt and angry about the situation and I'm not one who can just act like nothing is wrong. This is going to be the real challenge for me.
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Read the 37 rules that are stickied at the top of Newcomers and try to do any of them that help to heal your self respect, positive mental attitude, and health, Do any of them that make you more interesting, more mysterious, more of a catch than you were before. Do them to stay busy, to keep your mind off what your W is thinking, and to heal.
I have read them and am trying to follow as many as I can.
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((((((hugs)))))) This is SO hurtful. You're not alone here though. Unfortunately you have lots of company here. Take care of you.
Thank you so much for your support. Just knowing there are people like you out here that are willing to help makes me start to feel better.
