My journey begins

[jp787]

First off well done with interaction with W. Act as if you're fine with everything and try to show a PMA whenever she's around. Well try to HAVE one all the time but babysteps...
Yes it's extremely hard, yes it's acting and may not feel right, but do it. You might be surprised at the results.

Also someone once told me if you're DBing right everything feels wrong. It's very true.

Looks like today was a good first step. Keep it up! The next big step we need you to take is the first one towards working on you and your attitude about yourself.

Spartan how did you learn to give up the need to try to control, to know everything?

My issue is more about controlling situations, not necessarily my W. These two sometimes blended and that's what I own. Don't get me wrong, if you ask my W she'll tell you I tried to control her. I see some of her points and understand how she would think I was controlling and I've corrected those faults of mine. Many of the things she used to say are more about her perception of situations due to her upbringing and not reality so I don't let it worry me anymore. It used to drive me crazy because I couldn't fix it but I no longer try to own her stuff; funny that an IC told me this years and years ago and I wasn't in a place where I could learn or understand it. W and I have even discussed it before and she's agreed that a lot is/was in her head.

Side note - this is one of the reasons I ask people if they understand their S's complaint and if they agree. Many of the things our S's say about us is there own crap being projected on us, the LBS. It happens all the time, someone will come here and spend time doing 180's on stuff they don't believe in just because their S wanted a change. Those 180's never stick so you have to own your crap and fix it but also understand what isn't yours to fix. I spent years trying to figure something out that probably isn't mine to fix.

Ok back to your question regarding the need to know... Yes, I admit to snooping in past and especially after BD because I went through a phase of asking why, who, what, etc... I felt like I needed answers. Guess what, I found out I didn't like the answers I was getting. Just as bad was I felt like crap in the ways I was finding the answers. I hated who I had become and there wasn't a dang thing I could do with the info anyway to help my sitch. It drove me crazy and it paralyzed me for longer than I like to admit. My W didn't give a crap that I knew and even said as much one time. So one day, after getting to the darkest place a person can get to (yes, I was VERY close) I said enough is enough. I decided it was time to man up. I stopped feeling like a victim, stopped feeling sorry for myself, stopped thinking I wasn't good enough, stopped the 'bad' thoughts that kept trying to get in my head, stopped taking all the responsibility for the failures of our M, and stopped asking her any questions, and I mean any. I'll listen and validate her when she talks but it's very rare I ask any non kid question. I realized the need for this info and the fear that it generated in me was controlling me. It was time for me to look in the mirror, fix my shidt, let my W go fix hers or move on, and start enjoying life again. Ya know what, it's working. I still have the occasional bad day but overall I'm in a much better spot than I've probably ever been. I look in the mirror and really like who's looking back at me (been a LONG time since I could say that). Basically I took back control of my life and took control of things that I can control (my changes, my decisions, and my actions).

So, when I tell you I know how you're feeling and I give you advice it's because I was in your shoes not too long ago. I don't like seeing anyone there and I know you can get out. You just have to "man up" and do it.

Doing the opposite of what I feel is very difficult.
I do feel paralyzed, like I can't move.
I know what I need to do,I just need to do it.
Thank you for sharing your story and struggles, I do read and appreciate it.