M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I'd journal more, but I'm already worried about this being found. I guess I could try to focus more on what I am doing rather than talking about my W. What is the etiquette about posting frequency here? I don't want to be obnoxious.
It's been over nine weeks since the bomb drop. Very little contact with the STBX over this time, none in in the past month or so. My family doesn't understand why I am not furious over her actions, particularly the false DV charges and temporary RO. To be honest, neither am I.
I've lost fifty pounds since the BD. Weight loss has slowed down the past few weeks, but I think that is due to muscle gain because my clothes continue to get baggier. I lift weight three days a week without fail and do cardio five days a week. I've just gotten involved with a local non-profit as a social media consultant. I'm also thinking of volunteering again at a local museum, but am hesitant because the W used to volunteer with me there. Thinking of becoming active again at my fraternal order, but hesitant because that's where we were M'd.
Visited a friend and his family a few hours away a couple of weeks ago. Had a great time and fell in love with the area where he lived. I used to live near there and would like to move back maybe in the future.
Reading a lot of self-help books and seeing a therapist weekly. Listening to music (instrumentals only right now, it seems most of my collection is either sad song or love song or both) and podcasts. Watching a few movies, but not many.
I had to get a lawyer because of the reasons mentioned above. The W first found out about this at court hearing this week. Said she was surprised by the lawyer to the judge; not sure what she expected me to do; her claims could wreck my career. Not sure if she is doing it because she actually believes it, because she wants to push me away, because she wants to hurt me, or because she thinks it will give her an advantage in the settlement. Still cannot talk to her at all. Disappointed she has no interest in it, considering she said she thought we were great friends after the BD.
She was behind me on part of the drive home after court. I noticed she is smoking again. She smoked when we first met and had quit not long after we started going out. Odd. (And gross.)
I was doing pretty good I thought until the hearing. It was the first time I had seen her since the BD and stirred a lot of emotions up. It's really hard for me to let go and detach. I feel so much guilt for this divorce; I feel like it is 90% my fault and it is hard to forgive myself.
Feeling pretty abandoned this week; a friend was supposed to meet me after my hearing but did not show. My therapist said he would call after but did not. When I talked with my sister over the text, she asked more about our other sister (who she doesn't speak to) and her hospital stay than she did about my sitch.
I have gym tonight and some D paperwork I need to return to my L, then therapy tomorrow evening. Sad that my W and I are forbidden to communicate until July as it stands. The D will be finalized by then. So it goes.
Not much new here. Been working out religiously and went on a long, beautiful hike on Saturday and enjoyed the sunshine on a coffeeshop patio on Sunday. Dropping off a financial statement for my lawyer this afternoon.
Finally broke through a small plateau for my weightloss. Now I'm only 12 pounds away from my first reward treat--skydiving!
Still trying not to think about the W. Miss her so much.
Sounds like you're doing great all things considered. Nice job on the GAL activities Of course you're going to miss W, but just keep pushing forward with your life, you'll eventually get to the point where you don't just think but you KNOW you'll be OK whether you continue on with or without her. Sometimes that can be a pivotal time that starts attracting the WAS back to the LBS, but regardless, you'll come out a better/ stronger person!
Yeah, I honestly think that if it weren't for my wife being out of my life, I could say this is the happiest and most well-adjusted I've been in years. Like you said, the next trick is to get the point where I KNOW in my heart that I'll be okay with or without her. Right now, I'm just faking it til I make it.
Without any contact, I wonder how she could be attracted back. I guess I just need to have faith in the process.
Without any contact, I wonder how she could be attracted back. I guess I just need to have faith in the process.
The WAS tends to rewrite history and convince themselves that every single problem in their life, both great and small, are because of the LBS and if only they can get the LBS out of their life then it will free them up to live the amazing, fantastic, fun-filled extravaganza that they've been wanting to live for years. But more often than not, when the LBS is removed through separation and going dark, the WAS suddenly discovers that their fantasy life isn't there for the taking after all. It's a rude awakening to discover they STILL have to pay bills, STILL have to vacuum and do laundry and balance the checkbook and go to work and go grocery shopping and get the oil changed in the car, etc. etc. and most shockingly of all, there is not a line of Fabio lookalikes standing outside their door waiting to sweep them into a deep, romantic embrace. The skies are NOT filled with rainbows and unicorns and there are NOT rivers of chocolate on the ground flowing around money trees. In short, the WAS often discovers that their unhappiness is not due to their LBS after all, it's something they're carrying with them. So then they have to wrestle with that demon. They have to find out what happiness is to them, what it means to them, and where to go from there. Hopefully at this stage they start remembering that they had GOOD times with the LBS too. The fog starts lifting. Then they start thinking what if. What if the LBS isn't the enemy? What if the LBS really has changed? What if life could be enjoyable with this new and improved LBS? What if they wait too long, could they lose the LBS?
This is the WAS's journey. The only way the LBS can help is to get out of the way, to give the WAS time and space to follow this path. THAT is how the process works
Without any contact, I wonder how she could be attracted back. I guess I just need to have faith in the process.
The WAS tends to rewrite history and convince themselves that every single problem in their life, both great and small, are because of the LBS and if only they can get the LBS out of their life then it will free them up to live the amazing, fantastic, fun-filled extravaganza that they've been wanting to live for years. But more often than not, when the LBS is removed through separation and going dark, the WAS suddenly discovers that their fantasy life isn't there for the taking after all. It's a rude awakening to discover they STILL have to pay bills, STILL have to vacuum and do laundry and balance the checkbook and go to work and go grocery shopping and get the oil changed in the car, etc. etc. and most shockingly of all, there is not a line of Fabio lookalikes standing outside their door waiting to sweep them into a deep, romantic embrace. The skies are NOT filled with rainbows and unicorns and there are NOT rivers of chocolate on the ground flowing around money trees. In short, the WAS often discovers that their unhappiness is not due to their LBS after all, it's something they're carrying with them. So then they have to wrestle with that demon. They have to find out what happiness is to them, what it means to them, and where to go from there. Hopefully at this stage they start remembering that they had GOOD times with the LBS too. The fog starts lifting. Then they start thinking what if. What if the LBS isn't the enemy? What if the LBS really has changed? What if life could be enjoyable with this new and improved LBS? What if they wait too long, could they lose the LBS?
This is the WAS's journey. The only way the LBS can help is to get out of the way, to give the WAS time and space to follow this path. THAT is how the process works
This is a brilliant summary and very helpful to my own sitch...
Too often I think nothing is changing but then when I really look I see baby steps. Ie. wife staying today for a coffee instead of just dropping S off and leaving ASAP.
I have started to look at this as a journey; a journey in which the outcome is unsure but one which gives me plenty of time to improve myself.
W 39 Me 33 M 9yrs 8 year old Son ILYBINILWY - Dec 12 W moved out - Jan 2013 OM - Jan 2013 I file for D - May 2013
Of course you're going to miss W, but just keep pushing forward with your life, you'll eventually get to the point where you don't just think but you KNOW you'll be OK whether you continue on with or without her. Sometimes that can be a pivotal time that starts attracting the WAS back to the LBS, but regardless, you'll come out a better/ stronger person!