So close I can taste it...

[Tallula]

SM-we all care. We do.

Is it great that your W may, may...be seeing some reality. Sure, it might be. Just know 5 minutes later she could be completely back in the opposite place. A friend of mine spoke with H the other day. She said he seemed also desperate and lost and said that I had changed so much and blah blah. I haven't even mentioned it here in my sitch. Why? Because it changes nothing. I still work on me. I'm still detached from H. Oh, we know I have my moments, but for the most part I just don't take too much of what H does to heart anymore. He is confused, scared & has no idea what he wants.

That is what everyone is telling you to focus on. It seems you see it to a certain extent, but just take some action. Stop trying to get W to see anything. When my H talks about hating himself and feeling insane, I Just listen. I validate. I don't point out that maybe if he stopped cheating on me and trying to romance both of us, he would like himself. He knows it.

At the end of the day, who do I want to be. You need to start asking yourself that. No one is perfect.

[movingon-1968]

At the end of the day, who do I want to be. You need to start asking yourself that. No one is perfect.

SM - that is a very serious question you need to answer for yourself - we don't need to see it here.

If you're happy with who you are, and don't feel you need to change anything, then don't. What will happen in your future could end up being a repeat of what you're going thru now.

If you're not happy with who you are, know some areas where you could use some improvement as a person and are willing to work hard to make those changes, you'll reap the benefits.

But remember - these are lifestyle changes to be a better you. That's the only goal you should set in this. Saving your M or bringing your W back to you shouldn't even enter your mind at this point. If you recognize, own and change the traits that drove her away, winning her back and saving the M would be a great side effect to becoming a better person...

[25yearsmlc]

as for the film getting through to her...

aside from mind reading and getting your hopes up WHILE not "doing" anything on your end

I relate.

I THINK it was "Click" or "Last Chance Harvey" or maybe "Fireproof" or some other film I thought had a "message for my h" in it...and so I rented it. (Nothing controlling or manipulative there!) Apparently also not so subtle.

I wanted to make sure h was fully awake to watch it with us...and

my then 16 y/o daughter said "Mom, do you think a movie is going to change dad? If he were going to wake up and do the right thing, wouldn't he already have done it?" (Ouch).

Nothing like your own kid coaching you, to wake you up and make you drop the expectations...fast...

h "awakened" after I released him to his task and moved on in my life...expecting him NOT to come home, but with me and the kids being more than alright, anyhow.

[SM34]

I am working on the things we have discussed. My 180s and also character traits such as humility, and not acting like Ws father etc .

What is strange is that I was just journalling and telling everyo ne an update on wifes behavior. Never said or implied that I was expecting a reaction of some sort from her. I see others giving run downs of their day and interactions with WAS who dont get hese types of responses. ; )

I have gotten used to it now. Somehow my experience is different on here.

Also as far as family history not playing a role in how you view divorce, and how accepable ane outcome it is, I think if you do t see the correlation then you are in denial.

Every single person on this forum could have the opposite sitch to what I just said, and it wouldn negate it...because there are so few people here in comparison to the vast number of divorces yearly.

If you dont see that the explosion in divorces in the 60s and 70s and how baby boomers paved the way for generation x and y to have no idea what a marriage looks like, you are in denial.

If you dont see that there are many other countries where divorce does not run rampant like it does here, and that this is bcause of historical experience and the degenaraion of the ideal or a nuclear family, you are in denial.

As 25 said, michelle has talked about this. Its in DR even. Not spelled out like thisx or not simplified perhaps, but some things dont require simplification unless they are challenged.

It is often times hard to see how you have been affected by a divorce in the family when it is you yourself. It is sometimes clearer to those who have not had such an experience. No doubt that will offend people. It [censored] and I wish it were different. But that is one of the reasons I feel that I am here on this forum. I want my wife to break the cycle. I dont want my daughter to feel this is an acceptable approach to marital issues. And I think you all agree with me on that.

I am not trying to be difficult. I admire thos who have parents who are divorced, yet they see the divorce trap and avoid it at all costs and are determined to break the cycle. That is what we should strive for.

[AnotherStander]

What is strange is that I was just journalling and telling everyo ne an update on wifes behavior. Never said or implied that I was expecting a reaction of some sort from her. I see others giving run downs of their day and interactions with WAS who dont get hese types of responses.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever been checked for "passive-aggressive personality disorder"? I have some experience with it and I see a LOT of the same traits in your posts. Above is kind of a typical example, this attitude that you're being picked on and no one else on the forums is, so you'll say things to push people away (even launching personal attacks like you did on MrBond) and then shortly after will apologize and practically beg the same people to stay on your thread. That's just one of many examples of the behavior that I've seen on here. I haven't said anything before, but it's been in the back of my head practically since the beginning of your time here. The reason I ask about it is if you do indeed have the disorder and it's not being addressed it will be a huge roadblock to reconciling your M. You don't have to answer the question here, but if you haven't been checked for it then please do that soon.

[SM34]

I am not trying to push people away then beg them back. I'm trying to get some support from anyone. You know when you feel down and just want to tell someone?

If you go to active posts and then click some random.thread and read the last few posts you will see what I mean, especially when its a woman's thread. There is a lot of venting and journalling from the thread owner and a lot of support from others. Not half as many 2x4s or being told to detach.

I have taken some time off to regroup my efforts and I will be back. In the meantime, it is much more comforting to read other people's threads of support and imagine that someone posted that to me lol
I just need some support, that's all. I'll get over it though. I always do!

[SM34]

I.looked at the passive aggressive angle but I couldn't see a lot of commonality. But I will research it some more and if there is suspicion I will look into getting tested.

Thanks!

Ps seemto be on moderation again. Not sure why. I was removed for a day or two but its back now.

[leopoldstotch]

SM why do you feel that you are getting 2x4's? I can tell you that you are being told to detach so much is because the majority of us see how enmeshed in your W you really are. I don't recall if you are seeing a counselor but if I were you I would go asap. I understand how you feel you've been dealt one heck of a blow and it's hard to deal with. Even after all this time in my sitch there are still times when I fell bad and down. They are few and far between but talking to a professional really does help.