Lost her love or MLC?

[Alias71]

As I have stated many times before I haven't (as yet) got DB (or DR) therefore I don't know if I'm doing this properly (not that I could consider any book as being the soul solver of a problem as complex as marriage breakdown) but I do have a problem with anger.

It has been, possibly, the main cause of our marital problems before she switched off/went into MLC and the problem is that my anger problems seem to be resurfacing. Instead of exploding, as I did, I have been able to keep a lid on it to a certain extent but I am worried that I won't be able to keep control of it. (I think that I have had some success in being angry in private whilst acting as if she was there) I am so angry with my wife. I have such contempt for the way that she's acting and who's she's "acting with".

I guess I'm just going through the angry affair phase again. She still has no remorse for it. Never discusses it and yet it kills me. Tears are rolling down my cheeks for the first time in ages.

Jeez, I just have to keep on telling myself it's a marathon and not a sprint. I have progressed so much and yet, at times, I feel so, so desperate and alone. I have to stay strong for the children and, of course, for myself.

[Alias71]

Messed up big time this morning.

When I got into a mood I find it so hard to back away. My wife says nothing and I just keep on saying things (some mean, some not so) just to try to provoke a reaction. I know that I shouldn't and that it's counterproductive but I find it so hard to resist.

She has started going around this 70 odd year old guys home. For some bizarre reason she stated that she had told him that she wouldn't go around his home again. I've no idea what brought that up. Certainly nothing I said. Anyhow she's around his house now. She says that she goes around there because he's lonely. I tell her that I'm lonely but it has no effect. She just doesn't want to be around me and the children. Anywhere else but here.

The only good thing that has come out of this is that I feel like crap and before I went on the rant I had a PMA. Lesson learnt although I feel I've put another nail in the coffin of my marriage.

At times I feel so strong and at other times I feel so pathetic. I just have to read and re-read all the positive and useful remarks given to me and to others. They've kept me in good stead over the last few days and weeks and it's the only way to get through this storm that my wife is putting my family through. (And the remember that there are many, many poor blighters who are in a worse condition than myself. My wife, if she is to be believed, doesn't want to separate now. I suppose I am useful to her especially as a babysitter.)

I just wish that it would warm up and for the snow to disappear. Where the hell is Spring?????

[Alias71]

Struggling badly to detach.

I just feel so angry towards my wife for her affair. I know that this goes in cycles and I just wish I could get rid of this feeling.

Some days are so easy and I feel that I could do "180" quite easily. Other days I just want to give up and accept that my marriage is over.

My wife is bored at home. All that she wants to be is elsewhere so now she's off at 1030 in the morning to the 70 year old guys place to "celebrate" St Patrick's Day although it isn't celebrated here. Just another excuse to be around guys (it appears that her great "friend", Vodka, will be turning up) and to drink with them.

I'm just venting. Just trying to get it off my chest. Just trying to feel a little better about things. Just trying to banish some of the negativity I feel.

I'm obsessing over my wife and I hate it. I look at my children and feel so sorry that my marriage is such a mess.

All the clever words and schemes just don't make an impact at the moment. I feel so incredibly alone. I know what I'm doing will probably push her away even more but it is so hard at present.

She stayed in after going out on Thursday and Friday but she got a call at 11 from somebody at, of course, she had a nice, long, cheery chat with the guy and then at 2am she received a text that had to be replied to, of course.

It's times like these that I hate my wife. I love her but hate her too. I don't want to be here with her but I fret if she is out for too long. I just feel as if I'm regressing. I try to pull myself out of it but I see her all dressed up to impress (and looking wonderful) and I feel so gutted that it isn't for me and is never for me these days. I have to fight these feelings until I'm back on the straight and narrow. At the moment I just feel like crawling into the corner of a room, locking the door and bawling my eyes out.

The kids are going back to school tomorrow after 2 weeks off and I'm absolutely dreading it. It's a nightmare scenario for me.

I've ready 5LL and I'm not convinced by it. I don't understand how someone can be categorised into 5 simple sections (even with dialects). I like the idea but it's too simplistic, surely? And on top of that it seems to run contrary to the ideas of DBing. Can they be done together or is it just one or the other?

Right, let's just get out there and try to get back on track.

[Alias71]

I seem to be back on track thankfully after a bad couple of days.

After showing a couple of signs of affection my wife stated today that if I didn't give her sex she would look elsewhere and would even pay for it! I replied that I assumed that she was getting it elsewhere which was one of the reasons for stating what I did in the following paragraph. She said that she wasn't. So that surely is a good thing, isn't it? Why would she lie about that, and boy does she lie! That's a sign that her affair is either over or has cooled considerably I would've thought or do you think I have misread it?

(I made a mistake yesterday or the day before when I said that I wouldn't have sex with her because I felt used as it was very mechanical; no foreplay, no kissing, nothing; just the act.)

The w did open up a little today and I tried not to jump in with my big mouth and when I did talk I invariably turned what she said into a question to try and elicit more "information" from her.

I had the feeling that she wanted to say something important to me but couldn't muster the courage to do so. (I was right not to force the issue, don't you think?) Or perhaps I'm just mindreading. I'm prone to it unfortunately which is not useful at all.

Bad news is that my children are back to school. They can be annoying and they can be noisy but they're good kids and they bring a sense of perspective to the situation.

Good news is that DB arrived today, finally, so I have that to work through. Hopefully it'll enhance and add to all the great ideas that I've got from here.

[Alias71]

Have to vent.

The wife is out for the 5th day out of 6. (She probably won't be out tomorrow to catch up on her sleep)

Was having a good day PMA-wise but noticed that I was getting a little more agitated as the day wore on (especially after I noticed her on facebook writing to a guy I believe she's having an EA with. Will I never learn about snooping?!!!!).

I was afraid that I would blow my top so I hid myself away in the cellar (the one place I know no-one will go). The wife shouted down if I was ok. I told her that I was (in the most jolly voice I could muster. Not very jolly at all.) I feel as if I've failed but I did not lose my temper so I suppose that that is a good thing.

Unfortunately I took out my agitation on the children which IS NOT good.

I'm so glad for this place. I haven't had many replies but I do know that what I get will be thoughtful, intelligent and useful.

I have to get GAL-ing. Living in the country, living in a foreign country, not having transport and therefore having to rely on the rubbish public transport and the cold, cold, snowy weather means I'm far more restricted than I would be. It's so depressing. Oh well, I owe it to my children to fight for this marriage even if I don't recognize my wife(quite literally sometimes!)

[Alias71]

I feel so distraught.

I'm certain (without catching them in the act) that my wife is now, at this moment, having a PA with the guy she was having an EA.

Just have to get through the next 2 hours before the children come home.

Should I confront her when she comes home or let it slide and try to move forward. (My instinct says the former though I believe from what I know about DBing is that I should ignore it and try to make myself into a better person.)

[Alias71]

Oh well, I went with my instinct.

Probably the wrong thing to do but there you have it.

She insists that she's not having an affair with anyone although she admits that her contacting this particular guy is inappropriate.

The talk was ok. I talked too much (as usual) and got upset and she said too little and retreated (albeit not aggressively).

Oh well, back to the drawing board again. The only obvious positive was that I didn't lose my temper. I was calm for the most part and when I got upset I excused myself and went to the bathroom.

This is so, so hard. I just wish I found this site sooner. It took 6 months of telling my story to very unhelpful "ditch the bitch" type of forums before finding this place.

[AnotherStander]

I just feel so angry towards my wife for her affair. I know that this goes in cycles and I just wish I could get rid of this feeling.

One thing I learned from the book The Happiness Trap is not to try to fight your feelings, because if you fight or suppress them they just come back bigger and uglier. Instead it's best to accept that they're there, understand that they only control you if you let them, and instead of fighting them just let them roll through you and continue on with your life. Another great lesson from the book is there's no such things as "good" feelings and "bad" feelings. They all serve a purpose, and they should all be accepted.

I look at my children and feel so sorry that my marriage is such a mess.

I understand that feeling. Eventually it'll be replaced with a desire to make the best of your sitch for your kids. Many of us find that we actually develop a stronger bond with our kids when going through this. It gives us new incentive to reach out to them and comfort them, spend time with them and demonstrate our love to them. It's important to do this because they are hurting too. We get so caught up in worrying about ourselves that we tend to dismiss what it does to our kids.

I have to fight these feelings until I'm back on the straight and narrow.

Like I said above, it's unhealthy to fight feelings because they'll just return later in an uglier form. You might check out the book, I found it very helpful with the anxiety attacks and depression I was going through.

At the moment I just feel like crawling into the corner of a room, locking the door and bawling my eyes out.

Then do it!! Crying is a form of grief recovery. I used to cry on the drive home from work, then lock the bedroom door and collapse in a heap on the floor crying, then pick myself up, dry my face and go out with a smile to spend time with the kids. The key is to do it in private, don't cry in front of W or your kids.

I've ready 5LL and I'm not convinced by it. I don't understand how someone can be categorised into 5 simple sections (even with dialects).

It's not a way of categorizing a person, but rather of their preferred love language. It doesn't mean they don't respond to the other languages too, but most people have a main language that they respond strongly to. But the real lesson of the book is that your W most likely has a different PLL than you. So if yours is PT and hers is WoA, your inclination is to assume hers is the same as yours, but if you shower her with PT then she may not respond at all, or may even respond negatively. That's what you should take away from the book, that you need to learn to understand your W and her needs better and also to understand her needs are completely different than yours. That's a component of DB'ing as well, so in that respect they compliment each other.

And on top of that it seems to run contrary to the ideas of DBing. Can they be done together or is it just one or the other?

They can be done together, but you have to pick LL techniques that aren't pursuit. IE, my W's PLL is WoA. But since I'm DB'ing I don't tell her things like "oh you look so beautiful today, I want to carry you into the bedroom right now!" Instead I focus on other things, like "Thank you for taking the kids to the beach last weekend, they were so excited about it, you are such a great mother to them!" 5LL is all about specific versus generic. If you tell your W every day "you are such a great mother" then the words ring hollow. But if you compliment her on specific acts, it has a lot more impact.

[Alias71]

Just venting.

For some reason I'm struggling to get through DB. Perhaps I expected too much of it or maybe recent events and the tiredness that ensued with it have made it difficult to read.

Well, I messed up again....big time.

Wife went out on Thursday and didn't get back until almost 5 in the morning. I, foolishly, confronted her and not calmly either (I was awake as I find it almost impossible to sleep when she's out) and she admitted sleeping with the guy again but, at the same time, said that she regretted it and told him that she wouldn't see him again. (She kept on calling herself a loser and I just felt like hugging and kissing her to get that idea out of her mind. Probably wise that I didn't attempt it, I guess.)

On Friday we had a long and emotional conversation in which she said that she wasn't with the guy although she wanted to be with him, that she didn't want to be with me but, at the same time, she was scared of being alone, didn't want to leave the house (I was pushing for her to move in with her Mother) and didn't want a divorce.

That day my wife, myself, D12, D10 and S7 went swimming and the W was surprisingly warm towards me but I wasn't in a mood to accept it and was cold towards her. On the drive back she tried, for the first time in ages, to initiate a conversation with me and even lightly touched my thigh on a couple of occasions.

I was so angry and confused. The anger has now subsided and I just feel confused and jumpy. The w has reverted back to being cold, distant and arrogant.

I need a proper job but my self esteem is shattered, once again.

Life is tough and I am just not helping myself. I know the general rules of DBing but I keep on breaking them.

As I say, just venting. I just have to read, read and read again the excellent advice I've been given until it sinks in and stays in.

[Alias71]

Thanks AS for your words of wisdom. Sometimes I just think that they are wasted on me but I am grateful even if it appears, through my actions, that I'm ignoring them.