Went to therapy yesterday. He is noticing some of the positive changes i am making (our home is redecorated and less cluttered, i'm GAL, i seem happy and unstressed, i'm being lovingly affectionate, not applying any pressure to get back, not arguing and creating conflict over small issues).
He still says though "I don't see us getting back together...I think its time we start moving forward and make this separation legal and put down on paper what we will be paying for". I was shocked. I literally could not respond. The therapist looked at me and said what do you think, and i said quietly and demurly "I don't understand what the rush is...I am not putting any pressure for him to give me money. What is wrong with the status quo? I have heard of gunshot weddings, but this feels like a gun shot divorce". I then looked him in the eyes and said, "ok, if that is what you want, then we can do that". His eyes then filled up with tears and he said with pain in his voice, "We don't have to do it now...we cant wait till its less painful".
H then looked at the therapist and said, "this is the hardest thing I have ever done, mostly becuase we still love each other". Therapist said he understood and that my h and I are being so uncommonly civil and loving about this separation; if all couples were like us we would be putting divorce lawyers out of business.H and I just laughed and then he said, "my family still would like to talk with you and have you come over with the kids. They love you and miss you". I said, "I would love that, I love and miss them too".
We scheduled to come back to therapy in a week. H walked me out to my car and then suddenly turned to me and asked me for a hug. I said of course. he gave me a long (more that a minute) deep hug and whispered while crying in my ear "I will always love you...for the rest of my life". I said "I love you too". He then said, "please don't tell me about guys hitting on you. ever. I can take it". I said I won't ever.
That is how we parted. I feel his resolve weakening, but he is still so dead set on a divorce.
So frustrated!! But, gotta say...I have never loved this man more. Just hope he can give me a second chance. I feel like this is all fear and he is so scared to just try again.
