Thanks for your post B and MizJ - a smile is always needed.
I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately. I am beginning to see things much more clearly. It is strange how some straws just break the camel's back but I think that is what happened. It has been almost four months since we have seen each other because of the long distance. I asked if he wanted to spend my birthday with me, so I would stay in town an extra day (I was in town for business) and he said he would check his schedule. A small thing? Yes. But a huge eye opener to me.
I cannot seem to help holding onto these delusions of us working this out and living happily ever after. But the more I realize that he just simply does not care about me anymore and the clearer I see that, the more those delusions are fading away, along with any desire to continue to have him in my life.
We have not spoken in over a week now. I called him over the weekend - a bit like an alcoholic with the "one last drink". He was not home. He called back the next morning twice but no message (I was not home) and my cell once (it was off); so I was not deliberately avoiding him. I did try to reach him later but he was not home. That was two days ago.
How hard it is to wrap my head around who he is now. He has done absolutely nothing to indicate that he is truly sorry or that he wishes to keep me in his life. I believe he thinks that I will accept these crumbs forever. I will not.
B, you asked me about "going dark"; I have to confess that these expressions are used so differently with different people, I am always reluctant to use them. But assuming dark is the equivalent of no contact, that will only occur when I am done and no longer care what he does. Since we are long distance, cutting off all contact would effectively end any chance we had. Not that I do not realize how slim that chance really is.
Right now, and until my next internal check in, I am "dim". I will have no "need" to contact him, so I will answer if he calls but keep the convos short and may skip a few calls. I will not ask again if he wants to see me when I am in town.
I quite suspect that by the next "check-up" there will be nothing left of our relationship. But, I guess I can't know that.
My goal is to use the time to detach from him, including the pain and hurt that he has caused and to put my life back in order. I miss my parent dreadfully, but it is a different kind of missing - they did not want to leave me and the leaving was with love. Not so with Mr. MLC.
Strangely, when he was opening up a bit more especially about his IC sessions, I thought I would take the chance and ask if he would like us to attend a session together. He mentioned it ages ago. But I realize that he is pulling back...back, so now is not the time for that invitation.
We are done if I confirm the GF is back in the picture. I suspect she is or someone else, but I don't know for sure.
