W and I had MC today and like I have said before, every we are in there she feels guilty that she is causing so much of the problem and that she is not able to bring herself to fix it or want to fix it she cries.
This is pretty common with WAS's, but don't confuse it with a desire to reconcile. The crying is purely an expression of guilt, they know they're hurting others with their decision and they're frustrated about it, but they are still resolute that they're doing the right thing. It takes a long time before they might start turning these thoughts into thoughts of reconciliation.
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Today even when I validate her feelings of rejection from the past. I messed up and try to relate to her feeling of how I have felt rejected in the past and can imagine how she felt.
That is not validation. You should NEVER respond with anything that says or implies you know exactly how she feels, because that is belittling her feelings. Validation is letting her know her feelings are unique and important and that you care about them. That's it. No explaining/ justifying/ defining or anything of the sort. Here is an example of validation:
- (wife cries) - What do you feel right now, are you feeling angry? - No, I'm just frustrated with everything. - You do sound frustrated, how frustrated are you? A little or a lot? - A lot, I've never felt like this in my life! - Yes, I can tell that you are very frustrated. I'm sorry you feel that way, it must be a very difficult thing to go through. - It is, etc. etc. etc.
Usually the "etc. etc. etc." part is an extension of how she's feeling, once she starts to feel that you are genuinely interested in her feelings it leads her to open up more. Again, the idea here is to listen intently and neutrally validate without trying to fix, explain, agree, disagree, etc.
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The MC heard it me trying to empathize with her and she saw it as me trying to attack her or make her hurt less.
Yes, that's exactly how it appears to them when you say things like "I went through this and I know EXACTLY how you feel." Because what they're thinking is you know NOTHING about how they feel, and as usual, you're jumping to conclusions and assuming you know when you really don't. Instead you need to take the position that you DON'T know, but you want to know, so you're asking her just enough to encourage her to tell you.
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That was not my point or intentions.
That doesn't matter. All that matters is her perception. You need to quit looking at this from your perspective and try to see it from hers.
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So when I don’t say anything and just listen, she says that I just sit there and watch her cry which makes her feel humiliated.
Of course she does. Sitting there silently is just another form of rejecting her feelings.
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When I say something to validate she says she feels like I am not empathic but feels I have pity for her.
Like I described above, you didn't validate. You thought you did, but you didn't. It's extremely important for you to learn what real validation looks and sounds like because it is a critical tool in good communication. If you ever get close to reconciling definitely consider Retrouvaille, it is the best program I know of for teaching these techniques.
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I feel like there is nothing I do or say where it is accepted. I told W and MC that I feel like there is nothing I do right.
Don't take offense, but you need to understand that when you say things like this you're just saying "it's all about me, me me!" Unfortunately the burden of performance is on the LBS, this is not the time to express your wants/ needs/ feelings. It's all about the WAS and THEIR wants/ needs/ feelings. Yours need to be pushed aside for now.
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I can see how W feels bad because she is not able to let anything good I say into her system and she is not accepting it.
Be careful with the mindreading. If you always maintain a PMA around your W, it will still take her months to thaw to your improvements. That does not mean she's not letting it "into her system", indeed she is, she's just not outwardly expressing that because she doesn't want you to get the wrong impression.
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I am able to listen to her or other people better and I can see how that is working with other people but with W, she is blocked off.
Drop your expectations. Many people get tripped up in DB'ing because they want immediate results. "I'm acting different, why isn't she responding???" She's not responding because she doesn't believe your changes are real. As 25 says, "Consistent actions + Time = change your S can believe in." The formula doesn't work without the consistent actions, and it doesn't work without the time. It takes BOTH.
