Seems like H took some time to reply to the e-mail seems like if it takes you some time too that might be fine...maybe use his line.
Controlling the outing and counseling are issues that might come up, right, would for me...now be careful...
Can you ask for his feedback on the counselor...he said you were better at picking one out, but maybe some options...male, female, age etc. those are basic...don't pressure but prehaps include his point of view and feedback.
With his cutting back on work, inform that you trust in his decision might go a long way...showing that he can make the right decisions for himself and his family with out your feedback or advice can go a long way.
Reading the letter he sent brought chills I could so see receiving a very similar ones in months...so happy to get it, so sad to really read it and realize that your hopes are dashed and the reality is there is a small chance it will work. But there is a small chance...is there any option of a counselor meeting separate first with each of you, then together, would this make H feel more comfortable to discuss things with out you there? Might be an options if the counselor/therapist is open to the idea...don't control this run this past H. Include him without being pushy...ask for his feedback...tell him your appreciation and his bravery in looking into counseling...
I don't know I am still new, maybe my advice is way off...
My H's lL is also physcial touch...hard one to deal with...good job on the service though!!
Were you very physically loving to girls in the past..maybe this is an area to work on to show H that you are trying to be a more physically loving "person" to all?
I've gone from absolutely no communication w/ WAH to cordial texts & some renewed communication in the last few weeks.
I agreed to have him meet us for day trip for D17 bday. He's NEVER asked me one personal question about my life now.
I asked when we could discuss taxes & D17 party & he suggested tomorrow night. No, I won't be home until late. I'm GALing.
So he just asked if he could bring stuff to cook dinner for kids tomorrow while I'm gone. This really throws me off base because I've had a real firm MY house policy since I found out about OW. He has lied to me so much, I've had no trust in him at all.
This is really making me uncomfortable, but I feel I should probably say yes to extend trust? But in light of him never caring about my personal life, it feels like a huge invasion of my privacy! I don't want to cross the lines of being okay with his life with OW or whatever else it entails. I want him to be in our lives again, but I don't envision us being one of those 'come hang out' kind of divorced couples. I'm really reacting to my fear right now.
I don't trust him, I don't trust him with my heart or my privacy - but I want to be able to, he just has taken no steps to build that trust by being so absent with dds and lying so much. Do I leap feet first into trust by having him in my house without me home?
There are lots of experiences here, please help me with opinions! I need to answer him... (kinda panicking here, very unexpected request)
Wow, this sounds both good and scary at the same time. I'm not sure I can offer much in the way of advice. It's interesting he is apparently looking to be in your life again. I would think it's okay to tell him you are not comfortable with him being in your house without you, considering the current state of the R. I can see this can be a delicate topic, that could lead to a flare up . . .
Okay, so this may be irrelevant, but have you ever read "Hold Me Tight"? It's a good book about how couples tend to let their fears and lack of connection corrode their relationship, and how to recast a lot of contentious topics to convey that, quite often these come from not feeling secure, and wanting your H to reassure you. Seems like the book might have some bearing on your sitch.
But, to come back to your topic, I think if you convey your boundaries in a considerate way, it is important to do so, rather than allow him to do something you do not feel comfortable with. Not sure, perhaps others with more experience can weigh in.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
VETERANS HELP PLEASE ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Reb needs help^^^^^^^^
Good luck, I also thinks there needs to be boundaries...just can't give the advice needed....but support...yes...
Maybe write down some reasons for him to be in the home and for him not...maybe look at if they are reasons about you or reasons for the kids...I did that the other day...trying to look at it in another way, trying to lesson control too...something I do for myself
azguy, I ordered the book you suggested. Thanks FS for the support!
I had to make a decision and decided to send a 'yeah sure' reply to H. So he'll come over tonight while I'm gone. I am not comfortable with it, but I can recognize my reasons are probably not sound.
I worry that he will try to make himself too comfortable at home and will think it's an easy way back. I worry that he's basically auditioning his home and family to see how it feels to determine if he'll want to open his heart in the future. I'm scared that he'll try to look at my finances to see how I'm coping and how he can stiff me.
But at the end of the day, I have nothing to hide. My worries are probably unfounded and he just simply wants to spend time with his girls. I didn't expect them to be so opposed, he doesn't really know the harsh welcome he'll receive but that's between him & his dds.
hey labug, nope, no evidence. Just basic self-defense feelings. He left when we were gone & it felt like a huge violation to know he had 2 weeks to take his time moving out his belongings (he really didn't take that much), to copy files off the computer & change all the passwords to accounts, I'm going to be gun shy in the trust department for awhile. But I feel better about my decision today.
Spoke w/ DB coach this morning and she said my email to him was a good thing, she called it an "ah ha letter". And that in sending the email, most WAH don't reply so it's a bonus mine did. Also about him coming over tonight while I'm gone, DB coach said it'll have an extra impact since he's been unwelcome for 4+ months.
We've been texting more in the past 72 hours than in the previous 72 days. Communication is a plus... it also opens my heart a little and I can see getting shut down again and being really crushed. Have to be open to risk to take on DB. No expectations is a killer.
I was explaining to DB coach that I know a lot of details WAH doesn't KNOW I know and it feels like it will always be a barrier. She said I'll have to find an opportunity to eventually tell him "I've been aware of xxx & xxx for quite awhile now, and in light of what I've learned about myself and us, I can understand why you would have done that". That's going to be very difficult! Has anyone here had to take that step?
Overall feeling good, keeping a positive frame of mind. Another pearl from DB coach - Be intentional, not impulsive. I really liked the reminder of living with intent - for all us control freaks out there - living with intent will mean controlling and making conscience choices. Right in my wheelhouse, controlling choices.
Good luck! This sounds like a very promising step.
I left a letter for my WAW as she was leaving last spring, and an email later in the summer. She replied to neither one, so your coach is probably right that you should feel encouraged by this.
H: 38 xW: 38 M: 16 T: 18 S: 9 BD: 2/2012 W moved out 4/2012 D: 11/2012
I have said similar statements to my H, about that I can see that I was treating him a certain way and can see how he got to the point of wanting to leave and asking for a divorce.
H has said nothing about it, does not agree or disagree...no comments at all even when I am saying a negative things...only thing I get is angry H after telling me it is too late to say these things and making excuses to having one on one conversations, even when I ask S is always here.
It is way to early for us to have these conversations I see.
Something to think about in the conversation with your H, can you take the time to sit down and write down some statements that you might want to say to him that are openended...that he must respond to with more that a yes or no. Not too much pressure on him but at a time when the communication might be going well to ask them.
Also remember not to try to get it all out this time, if this conversation goes well you want to make it to the next one...I pushed H too hard, and we were doing good before, and now I feel like I am back to the beginning again...live and learn.
Also about being in the house to try it out...is that a bad thing...my H has not been in our house very much at all and I like him to come to the house to bring back the memories of it, whether good or bad, they distance themselves to protect themselves, if he is brave enough to try to test out what it is like in the home again...this is a good move, but prepared that he might not be able to handle it.
Good luck, don't know if any of this helps but wanted to give some other ideas.
I need to call today and check on my time with a DB coach...decided to spend the money...thinking we spend a lot of money on other things and this might be the most important things ever to spend the money on...seems like it is going well with you.
