Unlearning conflict avoidance 3

[Accuray]

Note that you've defied her a couple times recently right? You put the map up when she told you you didn't need it, and you replaced the tarp on the sail boat when she told you not to. You did those things and what happened? Nothing! It's okay to contradict her wishes, it really is!

[LuckyLuke]

Mr. Bond, Accuray,

Those would be huge 180s for me, yes.

The house renovation thing has both pros and cons. The pros are: the currently low interest rate here, the substantial government support available and that we probably should do the facade. The cons: not entirely sure I could afford to stay here alone if this is done, and doing the facade seems a step on her declared path to freedom.

I guess I am just afraid of her anger. Perhaps I should watch films of angry people? The facade fixing is a major step on her path to leaving, so I expect lots of resistance.

She probably can't afford to pay for the facade herself. The tax break thing works per person, so we get twice the bang if we share the cost. My ideal solution would be to do half the facade, so over two years, as this lets us then get twice the tax break. Of course, a half finished house would look odd, to say the least.

Thanks,

Luke

[MrBond]

"I guess I am just afraid of her anger."

This sums it all up.

"Perhaps I should watch films of angry people?"

This makes no sense at all. She is going to get upset because it goes against what plans she has. No amount of explaining on your part is going to avoid that.


Haven't you had to deal with any conflict resolution at all before?

[Accuray]

I guess I am just afraid of her anger.

Ask yourself why -- why are you afraid of her anger?

-- She can get angry at any time for any reason
-- She can get angry at you even if you did nothing to deserve it
-- She doesn't stay angry forever
-- When she does get angry, nothing really *happens*, other than that she is angry

Anger is a human emotion, and that's all it is. Usually when we're afraid, it's because we're afraid of something happening, we're afraid of some consequence. Try and train yourself that her anger has no consequence other than the anger itself.

Her anger is nothing to be afraid of. You can't avoid it, you can't control it, it can't hurt you.

Embrace it, acknowledge it, know that it will pass and you will be fine.

Accuray

[Accuray]

I think we've asked you why you're afraid of her anger before. Can you articulate it?

What could she do that's going to be worse than the status quo?

[LuckyLuke]

Is sending the following text message a good idea (as a prelude to our talk tomorrow):

o honey, went to bank today to see how much loan would be for facade. Even with tax reduction, it is too expensive, so please don't agree to anything.

?

This would go out today, during the day.

Thanks,

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

Mr. Bond, Accuray,

thanks for your posts on dealing with anger. I guess, to try to answer your question, that I let her anger get to me, when it should not (fwiw, my dad was well known for his anger - he would turn white - his company, when he ran it, was run by fear, with no one daring to speak out).

The anger films idea was to just get used to seeing angry people and practice not letting the anger affect me. No, I don't deal much at all with conflict resolution.

Thanks,

Luke

[LuckyLuke]

One thing I realized was that if I can stand up to her anger, and say what I think, then I am free, my own person, wow.

Luke

[Accuray]

I would not text her, that's avoiding, talk to her face to face. Don't hide behind the cost -- tell her YOU don't want to do it. It will be okay.

You better do it soon or she will go out and sign a contract and then things will be even more difficult. Have the conversation today and cover all the points above. Let her get angry or not, be firm

[LuckyLuke]

Morning Accuray,

I was just at the bank, asking about how a loan for this would cost per month. It turns out to be eminently affordable, as interest rates are in the 3+% range just now, and you don't have to amortize if you do not want (I would). Even if she moves out, I could afford it (if I don't have to pay her out for her half of the house).

So please forget the text message idea. It was a cop out to start with -

I'll still bring up the renovation costs though, to make her understand that affordability has to be considered (her plan is, as I understand it, renovate, loan to pay for the renovation, and sell quickly, to avoid paying more for the loan). This would be an underhanded way of getting her to understand that I am staying, in a then nicely renovated house.

Thanks,

Luke