This is a hurtful place for you! You've got the anniversary coming up and you aren't at a place where you feel like any issues are being worked on in your M. So painful!
I don't remember, is MC an option? Would H be willing?
That seems to be the big key for me. When my H was willing and (frightened though) wanting to go to MC it was huge. Our MC is having us do little projects that really are opening our hearts to be receptive to love growing. I wouldn't say she is helping our love grow, just helping us work on ourselves in relation to each other. Does that make sense?
For example, this week we had to fill out a sheet that was titled "10 intimacy needs" -- emotional needs -- and we list our top three priorities and how we think our spouse can fulfill those with specific examples.
Would your H be willing to do anything like that, you think?
Yow two are under a lot of financial stress and that never helps even in the best of times. Would it be impossible to finance another session with a DB coach?
T^2 put a nice quote on my thread that comes to mind now -- basically accepting reality. Do you think your H is okay with the way things are with you, and not desirous to make changes?
Is there a special thing you could plan for the two of you that wouldn't cost s lot of $? Are you near water? Like a picnic near a lake watching the sunset? Or something special, out-of-the-ordinary but not costing a lot?
Idk. Just brainstorming. I know planning a an anniversary dinner isn't your main concern....just want you to know I want to help! I wish I could make your H wake up to the precious gift he has in you...but that's probably been the problem all along.
I'll be thinking of you today. You've always been there for me. Let us know how the plans progress.
(((GALbaby)))
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks again RH you are a kind soul. Your help means a lot to me.
I don't believe H is a MC type. He has told me before not to bother. All this hurts me because it shows me that he is not willing to do much when it means it will put him out of his comfort zone. We had a little chat about the anniversary issue last night. He knows when I'm upset, I try and hide it but I guess he knows me and I guess I have been so busy GAL'ing and 180'ing and keeping my changes going that it was noticable to him that I was quiet. As usual, he got angry at me for feeling rejected like I did. I explained to him that if he was going to ask me what was wrong, he really needed to stop and listen to what I was saying (validate) and not keep telling me I'm wrong and silly for feeling that way. I explained I'm a woman and my anniversary is important to me and I am no different to anyone else in expecting some nice treatment. I said its usually the reason I don't want to open up to him because my feelings are not validated (can understand why its so important in DB'ing). I think he got it. He was a little more sympathetic after that.
There are so many things that need to be worked on here, I don't always want to be the one doing all the hard work. I often think about moving on with my life without him. Its kind of a fantasy of mine. Then he does something that makes me think... I want to grow old with this man..but I have to question, if the feeling is mutual?
If you think H would read something, I recommend "What Women Want Men to Know"...it's written for guys and REALLY opened my eyes to the "mysterious gender", it's the manual that no one ever told us about...
Hang in there, keep letting him know what you need and want as far as validation, it can take us guys a while to "get" it and get it cemented into ourselves...there was an entry here in piecing that a guy posted:
Quote:
Us guys simply do not know how to properly communicate with women. We were never given the tools. So we do what we -think- is right, and it never is. When you tell us how you feel, we -think- we're supposed to fix you. So we respond by saying things like "well you need to do X, Y and Z and the problem will go away." And then we expect you to do that, and tell us how great we are for fixing your problems for you. Of course it's absolutely the wrong response, because instead of validating a woman's feelings we send the message that we don't care, that it's insignificant and easily fixed, that she needs to quit whining. I'm 51 and RetroV was a serious eye-opener for me, it really drove home just how poor a communicator I was with women my whole life when I actually thought I was a GREAT communicator!!
Maybe H would "hear" that?
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks TSquared2..you should write a book with all your knowledge in it. I have heard this a lot lately too. I recently watched a show on the ABC, here in Australia, about couples in crisis, and that exact issue was raised. Its also talked about in John Grays book, Men are from Mars etc. I think at some point, when its the right time (phew..always being careful!), I will expand on our conversation and go into this validating issue a little more. I think he will be responsive to it. He doesn't mind learning from me as long as I don't go into my lecture mode. He does trust me like that. Thanks you gave me some food for thought.
Got throught the anniversary and it all turned out well. Beautiful and hearfelt card, gift and dinner. I have a wonderful trustworthy and spiritual friend who knows what's been going on in my sitch. I hope many of us here are lucky to someone like that in their lives. She said to me when I was feeling resentful and down last week..."why wait for H to organise something..you do it!..be happy and joyful and make up your mind to have a good time. Your excitement will rub off on him". She was right, we had a lovely night.
I'm beyond happy that you had a lovely anniversary. Sometimes we do need to take matters into our own hands and make things happen, not wait for them to happen.
I completely understand what you were saying in your post about telling your H you were upset about your anniversay.
In pre-MLC times, my H would ask me what was wrong (due to my pouting and silent treatment, something I've had to work on), and when I would tell him, he would get mad. Over time, it turned into me not telling him what was bothering me, I would just let things stew and resentment build. It was definitely a lose-lose situation.
If we ever make it through this, communication is definitely going to need to be addressed!
I wonder though if its not what we're saying, but how we say it that puts them on the defensive. I hope one day I can actually practice some of these skills in a normal conversation with a non- alien H!
Anyway...
Happy anniversay my dear. You have stood by your H in his darkest hour, and someday he will realize what a gift you are
Very glad to be reading your updates again, I've missed you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Hi TVS..hope you're feeling better. I've caught a bad cold and have been soldiering on for a few days too. Thanks for you words. Yes communication is the key in all of this. I also hope you get a chance to practice with your H. Occasionally I have to say to H..please don't talk to me that way or I'm going to leave the room if you continue. It has the desired effect. If you say it in a non-confrontational way as a statement rather than an attack, he usually responds positively. I wish I had known more about this years ago..could have avoided a lot of problems.
Tks Newman..however there's trouble in paradise again. Found out H has deceived me about something. I've sent him a txt msg voicing my disappointment. I'm expecting a backlash. I hope I'm wrong but he won't take it well. I just couldn't sit on it all day. I've let so much slide I needed to say a few things. Gotta call them on their behaviour sometimes right?
Sorry to hear about the deceit. Yes, they do need to be called on stuff sometimes. I just try to pick my battles...
If he gets all fired up, just play it cool and state your case. Don't let him turn things around on you, they are experts at that! And don't let him be disrespectful - you deserve to be spoken to properly.
Now is a good time to practice some of those communication skills we were talking about!
Good luck, I will be thinking about you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
