Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[AnotherStander]

Hi all, it's been a couple of weeks since I updated, as many of you know once you get this many months into your sitch there's not a lot that goes on day-to-day or even week-to-week. It's now been over 9 months since BD and 6 months since W moved out, wow! So, just when I think we're throwing in the towel W seems to be showing more interest. Over Spring Break she did take the kids to the beach without inviting me, but I thought it was wonderful that she was doing that for the kids, I was genuinely happy for them! W texted me photos during the day and I called them each evening and talked to the kids and to W about what they did that day. When they returned I in turn had the kids over to my house and we had a movie/ dinner outing one evening followed by a whole day at Six Flags the next. I spent extra for the Flashpass, so we spent very little time in lines despite there being record attendance that day. It was a really beautiful day and we had a blast! Then over the next few days W invited me to dinner twice (with the kids) and to ice cream once (also with the kids). She's also been texting more often and in general is much more upbeat around me. She's hanging on longer in hugs and we're kissing on the lips when we part. I'm sticking to DB'ing and not pursuing her or building any expectations on it. We've had no discussions about D or about the R or M. All talk is light and fluffy.

I don't really view my GAL and 180 efforts as GAL/ 180 anymore, they're just part of my new life. I'm still hitting the weights consistently and still increasing in strength (just bumped my weights up again) and still gaining mass. The weather is getting nicer, so I've started my spring gardening which is always very labor intensive, but fun. S10 and D16 are keeping me busy with scouts, basketball and drill team events, but I really enjoy going to them I've been getting my motorcycles out more and doing the spring prep on them. Still haven't gotten back into my R/C flying, now that we've had daylight savings time I can get back to flying in the evenings but it's been too windy lately.

I think it's been 3 weeks since I weaned off the antidepressants and I've had zero side effects. I feel fantastic!! It's been a huge relief to know that the A/D's weren't masking any negative feelings and making me falsely feel good, but that I have in fact recovered from the depression and anxiety I started taking them for.

AS, this is great analogy. Your wife’s last action seems to fit into that perfectly.

I've demonstrated a lot of impatience, that's the thing I have to remember is that she's going to keep ducking in and out of the castle for who-knows-how-long and I've got to resist trying to coerce her. And in the end there's no guarantees she won't go back in there to stay, so I will keep living my life and we'll see where things go.

My H just called me and we had the longest conversation in 7 months. But, I don’t think he is coming out of the castle. He asked me to bring him some money, which means he is going to stay in our vacation home longer. So, I don’t have any hopes right now that anything is changing in my sitch.

I'm not sure if you've read Denver's sitch, but his sitch is an example of just how extreme things can get and still result in reconciliation. I think at one point he was 100% convinced things were done, in fact he was referring to his W as "STBXW". So there's hope as long as you care to hold it in your heart. I had lost all hope myself not too long ago, but I'm starting to see some hope again.

How do you handle the thought of your wife dating another man? You must be really strong to agree with this. That will be one of my biggest challenges emotionally.

The frustrating thing for me was not knowing if she was with OM or wasn't. I knew there was an OM, just not how far things had gone. Even to this day I don't know for sure, but people around here kept telling me "if there's an OM at all then it's safe to say there's an A". After suffering with not knowing, I finally asked myself this- "If you were to find out definitively that W is having an A, then how would that change your approach? Is it a deal-killer? Does it change things?" I thought about it a lot and decided that I would still keep DB'ing and that it wasn't a deal killer. W and I were not virgins when we met, both of us had been in previous LTR's. So if we had been with others and yet still loved each other, why couldn't it happen again now? So at that point I just decided to assume there was an A because it was easier to accept that then to keep fretting about it.

Great job getting off the anti depressants. Since I have been of mine it feels like a cloud has been lifted.

Thank you and congrats to you too, I read a lot of SSRI forum postings before weaning and it is amazing how many people have severe struggles getting off of them! I am really excited to be done with them

A fellow biker! Spring is comming slow here in Canada and cant wait to get out on the back roads...It will be my therapy this summer.

Awesome! What do you ride? I have 4 bikes (HD Street Glide, HD Sportster, Buell Lightning, old Honda CB750). All are heavily modded. My favorite for long cruises is the Street Glide. That's the one I take out with my Harley buddies.

Thanks for you advice on many of these threads, It really helps the new folks greatly.

You're quite welcome, it's always rewarding to hear I've helped others

All the best with your situation!

Thank you!